Our top moments of the week:
13. Weirdest Wake-Up Call: After a brokenhearted Walden is rejected again by his estranged wife on Two and a Half Men, he and Alan drink the pain away and wake up naked in each other's arms. They slowly recall the evening's events and realize that they went skinny-dipping. When they ask whose idea it was, the camera pans out to an equally hungover-looking Berta — who has been talking about all the nasty things she wants to do to Walden in her head. Now there's a threesome we don't want to see.
12. Funniest Cold Open: Oyster-shucking is dangerous — and hilarious. The Happy Endingsgang spends the weekend in what would've been Alex and Dave's honeymoon suite for some wining and dining, but madness ensues when Max stabs Brad mid-shuck, causing the shellfish platter to collapse onto an allergic Jane and everyone else to freak out — except for Penny. In one swift move, she withdraws the shucker from Brad's leg, gives Jane her EpiPen shot and douses Max with a bucket of water before coolly settling in to watch The Lincoln Lawyer. (She loves those opening credits!) It's the Year of Penny indeed!
11. Best Moment of Zen: On the series premiere of Terra Nova, the Shannon family's chaotic introduction to their shockingly different new home is tempered by a quiet moment of joy. Zoe, the littlest Shannon, meets a gentle, herbivore Brachiosaurus as it feeds on the settlement's bountiful greenery. The curious child extends a branch to her gigantic new friend, which bends its impossibly long neck to reach the treat, momentarily lifting Zoe's tiny body off the ground. Remember that scene of wonderment in Jurassic Park when Sam Neill first sees the dinosaurs and fumbles charmingly to remove his sunglasses? It's like that. If only it stayed that way.
10. Best Backstory: We finally learn why Klaus recruited Stefan on The Vampire Diaries: It turns out they knew each other back in 1920s Chicago, where Klaus actually learned a thing or two from Stefan on how to be evil. It's also revealed that Stefan actually had a love affair of the ages with Klaus' Original sister Rebekah. Elena who?
9. Worst Change of Tune: How many episodes of Glee have preached about self-acceptance? That's what makes the comedy's 180-degree turn this week all the more head-scratching. Kurt learns that the school musical directors have little faith that he can convincingly play the male lead, so he puts on some tights and enlists Rachel to read a scene with him from Romeo and Juliet. Unfortunately, his vain attempt to man up (and his rarely heard lower register) is met with laughter and skepticism, sending Kurt to run away, stage left. Can we run back to Season 1, please?
8. Best Grand Theft Auto: When covering up a murder, one of the most important things to remember is to dispose of the victim's automobile. Unfortunately, the ladies on Wisteria Lane forget to check their copy of Getting Away with Murder for Dummies and must get rid of Gaby's stepfather's car a month after the fact on Desperate Housewives. Fortunately, a carjacker stumbles upon Bree and demands that she get out of the vehicle. Her enthusiasm to dump the incriminating evidence startles the thief, who almost reconsiders his crime, until Bree tells him it's important to finish what he starts. Grace note: She cheerily instructs him to buckle up before she dashes from the car. So Bree.
7. Best Fake-Out: Gossip Girl fans brace themselves for a big disappointment when it is revealed that Dorota is pregnant, after fans were left hanging all summer wondering whose pregnancy test was in the trash. Fortunately, the show saves itself from social suicide — and serious revolt — when we learn in the final moments of the premiere that Blair is also pregnant, but in serious denial about impending motherhood. OMFG, a BABY!
6. Power of Social Media Award: After Kaylani loses her passport en route to the airport on the season premiere of The Amazing Race, it seems like she and partner Lisa are on their way home before their Race even starts (not to mention, become the third "lost passport" boot in the past six seasons). But then Twitter comes to the rescue: Good Samaritan Ryan Storms tweets that he found her passport at the gas station where the Vegas showgirls had stopped, prompting a fan to reply and encourage him to bring it to LAX to find Kaylani since Racers are otherwise incommunicado. He does, and the girls go on their globe-trotting way. It's a shame Russian cabbies and Cambodian monks aren't avid tweeters.
5. Worst (Club)houseguest: When Patti Stanger stops by the Bravo clubhouse forWatch What Happens: Live, the Millionaire Matchmaker manages to offend host Andy Cohen twice. First, she says that it's nearly impossible for gay men to be monogamous and then she generalizes that all Jewish men are liars (Cohen is both gay and Jewish.) So does that mean that all heterosexual Jewish women are obnoxious and close-minded, Patti?
4. Saddest Twist: As Cathy is about to cross the finish line of the New Year's Eve marathon on The Big C, she spots Paul, Adam, Sean and Dr. Mauer cheering for her, along with the spirits of Lee and Marlene. "Everybody came," she says. "Yeah, except Dad's not here yet," Adam replies. What's that? It's then that the show explains by cutting to a scene that shows that Paul, who had stormed the insurance company to confront a nasty customer service rep, has collapsed and is being worked on by paramedics. So does the presence of Paul's spirit at the marathon mean he's dead? While producers say they don't know yet, it would be a bold narrative decision to show that bad things happen to good people — even those with a terminal cancer diagnosis.
3. Best Breakdown: Can we just hand next year's Emmy to Bryan Cranston now? The three-time Emmy winner channels terror, anger, resentment and hysteria in a matter of minutes on Breaking Bad when, after Gus threatens him and his family, Walt heads to the crawlspace and discovers that a portion of his rainy-day fund is missing. Skyler tearfully confesses that she gave it to Ted, and Walt snaps — letting out a primal scream that dissolves into a Joker-like peal of laughter. As Skyler answers a call from a frightened Marie, the camera pans up to show a delirious, boxed-in Walt — lying in the grave he's dug for himself.
2. Naughtiest Flashdance: Despite all the skipping and hopping during her quickstep on Dancing with the Stars, Nancy Grace doesn't pop out of her gown until after the routine is over, triggering ABC to cut away as she adjusts herself. "On the European version, that would be perfectly fine," Tom Bergeron quips. Grace and the show's producers later insist there was no wardrobe malfunction, saying that what the camera showed was her protective breast petals. Judge for yourself: We present Exhibit A... or rather T.
1. Sexiest Clothed Sex Scene: But who needs to show skin when you have alluring camera angles, hot sex talk and an Emmy-winning actress who's really good at faking it? The Good Wife — despite now airing on Sundays in an earlier timeslot on the not-so-edgy CBS — gets viewers all hot and bothered with a scene between a bare-shouldered Alicia and a fully clothed Will in not-so-flagrante delicto. Will asks with a smirk if he's "going too hard" on her — at work, of course — and Alicia retorts that she's buried "up to my knees" before telling him not to move and biting down on his finger in obvious ecstasy. In other words, it was good for the Good Wife.
What were your top moments?