The girls can't help it! Just ask Peggy Olson, who succumbed to the oily charms of Duck Phillips. Or Kristin Cavallari, who celebrated her debut on The Hills by launching a full-scale flirting offensive on her frenemy's ex. Or Katherine Mayfair, who might have acted out a tad when her fiancé dumped her to return to his ex-wife. Or Madonna, whose filthy double entendres made not-that-innocent David Letterman blush. Why should guys have all the fun? Amirite, chicas? Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care and check out all the lady drama in this week's Top Moments: Girls Behaving Badly Edition.
12. Grossest Hookup: On Mad Men, Peggy turns down Duck Phillips' job offer, but gets turned on by his very graphic pick-up line: "I want to take you into that bedroom, lock the door, throw you on the bed, take off your clothes with my teeth and give you a go-round like you've never had," he says. Their awkward romp makes us cringe, and not just because the recovering alcoholic gets a buzz out of tasting whiskey on Peggy's breath.
11. Best Use of Force: Lie to Me comes roaring back with a Season 2 premiere that proves the show isn't afraid to go to extremes. Lightman needs information from a patient with multiple personalities (guest star Erika Christensen), but her "protector" alter ego is the only one who has it. How best to draw out the protector? Call the patient a whore and choke her until she starts to fight back. Hey, whatever works, buddy.
10. Best Catfight, Part I: The Hills wastes no time in initiating new girl-on-girl crimes, as former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari lays claim to her new territory, much to the chagrin of Stephanie and Audrina. Never one to keep her mouth shut, K-Cav warns the duo, "You f---ed with the wrong girl, dude." What are they fighting over exactly? Justin Bobby? Come on, ladies!
9. Worst Synergy: With some shameless self-promotion, Disney reminds us they own Jim Henson Productions with a Muppet Show homage on Dancing with the Stars — during a pair's routine. Aaron "It's Not Easy Being Green" Carter and Karina "Miss Piggy" Smirnoff's quickstep becomes a sideshow with the addition of Animal on the drums and Gonzo with his signature horn blow. Muppets rock and all, but could ABC be any more obvious who their favorites are?
8. Most Creative Nudity: On Californication, Hank meets a writer he admires at a dinner party and offers him a friendly drink. One problem: The writer (guest star Jason Beghe) had been sober for 11 years. The soused scribe falls off the wagon in a big way. He completely disrobes, tucks his manhood between his legs and shows the horrified-and-amused guests his "pee-pee dance" before ambling off into the darkness.
7. Best Deception: Josie Bissett reprises her role as Jane Mancini on Melrose Place, but something's different. Plain Jane is gone, and in her place is a conniving femme fatale more akin to Heather Locklear's Amanda. At first, Jane appears sympathetic to Violet's motherless plight. But when she leaves the room to make the lil' darling "a hot pot of chamomile," she drops a dime on the increasingly menacing girl. Cold.
6. Best Self-Awareness: During the season premiere of Dexter, producers insert a cheeky scene in which our favorite new dad/serial killer gets ready for work in the way he usually does in the show's slick/sexy/nauseating opening credits. This time, though, it's an unshaven Dexter pulling on a T-shirt that has baby puke on it, his shoelace snaps and he can't stop yawning like a hippo. Murderers need their eight hours too!
5. Happiest Ending: After having her baby cut from her womb by an unbalanced former patient in the Private Practice season finale, Violet's friends squabble, as she lays dying on the slab, over whether they should perform an emergency hysterectomy to save her life. Would Violet want to have more children after this violent attack? At the 11th hour, Cooper locates the missing baby and Addison and Naomi save its mother — and her childbearing abilities.
4. Filthiest Banter: During a rare visit to David Letterman's show, Madonna enters the studio on the shoulders of a coterie of New York Rangers. "Have you ever ridden hockey players before?" Letterman asks. "No, that's the one sport I haven't investigated," she deadpans. Later, when the Material Mom says she's never had a New York slice of pizza, an incredulous Letterman asks, "What do you like on your pie?" Ever the sport for a game of sexy talk, she replies: "That's a personal question."
3. Best Catfight, Part II: On Desperate Housewives, Katherine interrupts Susan and Mike's wedding day to demand a public apology. Susan locks Katherine in a closet, but she escapes in time to make a delicious scene in the sanctuary. Susan then apologizes, and though it sounds sincere, Katherine does not accept. Dana Delany underplays the "woman scorned" routine, setting up what's sure to be a season for the catfight record books.
2. Worst Bluff and Most Blind Awards: Talk about some bad calls. Pro poker players Maria Ho and Tiffany Michelle lie to their fellow Amazing Race competitors about their day jobs, saying they work for a non-profit. They get outed by a civilian. Fellow Racers Sam and Dan McMillen, on whom the girls have crushes, have their own secret: They're gay. For "rich, successful poker girls," Maria and Tiffany sure can't read people.
1. Most Awkward Confession: Just a day after meeting cute with Madonna, a cowed David Letterman drops a bomb on Thursday's show: Someone tried to blackmail him, threatening to expose the late-night crank's dalliances with female employees if he doesn't cough up $2 million. He admits the indiscretions to the stunned audience (who initially think it's all a joke), but offer supportive applause when Letterman announces that a suspect has been arrested for extortion.