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Congratulations, The Bachelorette, You Played Yourself

An hour of Luke P., an hour of pointless recap

Liam Mathews

The Luke P. show continued on The Bachelorette this week, as Hannah Brown kept clinging to hope that this soulless muscular husk of a man could give her what she wanted. The episode was actually a continuation of last week's episode -- basically a third hour added to Episode 5 -- with a completely superfluous recap tacked on to pad out the second hour. I feel really cheated by this episode. Both hours were frustrating for different reasons.

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The episode started with the resumption of Hannah and Luke P.'s painful dinner, where she told him she couldn't give him a rose, because she wasn't getting her emotions mirrored back to her. Luke told her he takes responsibility for things not working out, so let's move on. That's not how it works, dude! "Am I going home tonight?" he asked. "Yes," came Hannah's matter-of-fact response. They hugged; he left. But not for long!

"I didn't think this was ever going to happen to me," Luke said, as we watched him walk through the woods in the dark. "And yet here I am." He never thought this was going to happen. It wasn't even a possibility in his mind that he wouldn't win and get what he wanted, whatever that is. Why is he so into Hannah? I don't know. But he went back to Hannah and begged her to give him another chance. He said he wanted to scream, and she said she wanted him to scream. So then he pretended to get emotionally worked up, but it felt self-conscious and insincere. It still felt like he was telling her what he wanted her to hear. He reiterated that all he wanted was to marry her, and nothing else mattered. But why, Luke? I don't see the passion in your eyes or hear it in your voice. "I don't know," Hannah said.

Back at the hotel, the guys were talking about how they hoped someone would come and take away Luke's monogrammed suitcase, and were so disappointed when he walked in. He told them Hannah didn't give him a rose, but she still wanted him to be there, so he'd compete in the rose ceremony with the rest of them. "She likes you. It makes my blood boil," Mike said. Brutal. These guys legitimately hate Luke.

The next morning, Luke went to a church to pray on it.

In Hannah's cocktail party-opening toast, she said God told her to get vulnerable. It was actually nice. Hannah has gotten so good at talking so quickly. She had kind words for Garrett about their relationship progressing in their private moment during the cocktail party, but then he had to go and talk about Luke, which she didn't want to do. He asked her if it was true that Luke didn't badmouth anyone, and she said yes, kinda. He did talk about Mike and Devin and Dylan, but Hannah provoked him into it, and she didn't elaborate on what he said. He could have just said he wasn't getting along with them, which is just a fact. What Garrett should have done was accept the W and let it go. But he couldn't let it go. He confronted Luke in front of everyone. Luke tried to explain himself, but Garrett just shouted "Nobody believes you!" over him a bunch of times. These guys are just looking for any excuse to pile on Luke, Garrett especially. Hannah heard them, and got really irritated. She came out and said "Stop." She was tired of the bickering.

Hannah was like, "If you have questions about Luke, ask me." And then Luke interrupted her to defend himself. Devin asked Hannah why he came up on her and Luke's date, and Hannah said it was because she wanted to know what was going on with Luke's conflicts with the other guys. "Stay in your freaking lane, because I'm tired of hearing screaming," she told them all.

Garrett continued to harp on how Luke lied to them about talking about them with Hannah, which was just semantics at that point. Hannah continued to listen in from the other room, and then downed her wine and went back in. She told Luke to stop making excuses and own up to his flaws, but she told the other guys to stop pointing fingers at other people and focus on themselves and their own relationships with her. It's not just Luke who's making her crazy, it's all of them. She started crying and talking about how none of them know her at all. No one has asked her why she's doing the show. No one has taken the time to talk to her about real stuff. It was very dramatic. And skirted the real issue, which is that she could end all this conflict by sending Luke home, which would make sense to do, because he's been nothing but a headache to her.

She left, and Tyler spoke up and said, "We're messing this up completely."

Chris Harrison came and gave Hannah a hug and said that the other guys are like this because they care about her, and in so many words, they don't want her to keep Luke around because he would be a bad choice. They went from there to the rose ceremony, and guess who got the final rose? John Paul Jones, back from the dead! No, it was Luke, duh. Hannah didn't even look happy to give it to him. But she had no choice. She's that attracted to him. Grant of the great reaction shots, Devin, and Kevin got sent home.

They went off to try to get a fresh start in Riga, Latvia. Chris and Hannah sat down to have tea and talk about what's been going on. She said she's not trusting these relationships as much as she'd like to, because these men are not giving her what she needs. They're not asking the right questions and not making her feel comfortable enough to be as open as she wants to be. Chris encouraged her to not give up, because the process could still work for her.

After a break, we came back to... Los Angeles? Chris Harrison said they needed to talk about some stuff. He was setting up another sit-down interview with Hannah. It was a little unclear when it was happening. Was it in Latvia? Was it after they'd wrapped and they were going back and doing a post-season postmortem? I think that's what was happening. They recapped all the drama we'd just seen on the season, like Scott and Cam. Why? What was the purpose of this unenlightening interlude? Does this filler mean we're going to get a bonus episode later in the season? ABC's production code on this episode is 1505B, not 1506, which means it's part two of last week's episode. And Bachelor in Paradise's premiere got pushed back a week. I think this was a bonus episode, and we're getting 12 episodes this season instead of the usual 11. This interview is filler because last week's episode got extended an hour and they needed something for the second hour. That's also why this episode felt like it had more commercial breaks than usual. ABC declined to comment on the schedule.

But in any case, we just got tricked into watching a recap.

Wow, what a waste of time. At least the bloopers were kind of fun. And the preview of the rest of the season was sexy, until Luke P. got possessive about Hannah's sexuality. Wow, that episode is going to be great. Kudos to the show for giving us a heads up about how Luke's story is going to end, with Hannah telling him the F off.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It's available to stream on Hulu.