Bach street's back, all right! The Bachelorette kicked off Hannah Brown's season with a classic-style premiere chockfull of limo entrances, weird intro packages, and corny jokes. Basically everything we love from Chris Harrison's main gig. In the fast-paced premiere, we met the 30 guys vying for Hannah Beast's final rose, and Hannah quickly whittled the number down to 22. She gave the first impression rose to smooth Southern gentleman Luke P., but not before she kicked out a guy named Scott who Wasn't Here for the Right Reasons. The Scott drama took up a good chunk of the cocktail party, which meant that a lot of guys didn't get to talk to Hannah. But there didn't seem to be any drama between the guys, and no night one villain emerged -- at least not one that stuck around. Pretty mild premiere, but good!
The episode started with a flashback to Chris Harrison informing Hannah that she'd been chosen as the Bachelorette, a moment that showed how much work Hannah had to do to be able to articulate herself. I remain concerned! Hannah and Chris drove around her hometown of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and got an endorsement from the guy who runs the hardware store. That's an important vote. She could run for office. Then she talked a lot about her worries of "not being enough." Even when she was Miss Alabama, she worried she wasn't enough. Even with Colton, she worried she wasn't enough. But now that she's the Bachelorette, she knows she's enough. It's a miracle cure! If we were all given our own show designed to find us a partner, none of us would struggle with self-doubt.
Demi and Katie, Hannah's friends from The Bachelor, hung out with Hannah to help gas her up for her big night. Hi Demi and Katie!
Then we went to the guys' intro packages! Rapid fire:
The first guy we met was sexy construction worker/footloose dancer Tyler C. He seemed like a handsome goofball.
Then we met Peter the Pilot, whose whole personality seems to be that he's a pilot.
Next was Mike, a portfolio manager from Dallas. We saw him talking on the phone doing Important Business Deals. He stopped to say goodbye to his great-grandmother. He never stopped smiling. He seemed smarmy to me. Rachel Lindsay doesn't agree.
Joe the Box King will not go far. Not Hannah's type. He's supposed to be a Grocery Store Joe Chicago Italian guy, but he doesn't have Joe's anti-charisma.
Matt Donald's parents and brother are deaf and his family loves the Crimson Tide, just like Hannah. Nice!
Connor J. is half-Asian, which probably means he won't go far. It's an ugly fact of The Bachelorette. Just ask Blake the Hot Veteran.
Luke P. is sexy and he knows it, and now he's a hardcore born-again Christian. I get bad vibes from this dude.
First out the limo was Garrett from Birmingham. Hey, Hannah's from Alabama, too! She said she likes hearing that twang. With his accent, he said she looks "all-some."
Mike came out with some nonsense about the five C's he's looking for or whatever.
Jed was third. I'm gonna call him Jed!, like Jeb! Bush.
Tyler C. was next. He was "so stoked" to find out Hannah was the Bachelorette. He's not ready to get married.
Dylan went next in his white tuxedo. None of these guys did gimmicks! What the hell? You gotta do a gimmick to stand out!
It took until Connor S. jumped the mansion's driveway fence, Colton-style, that we got a gimmick. Pretty good gimmick!
Devin went next. He was like "I'm a virgin, JKJK." Pretty bad gimmick!
John Paul Jones. John Paul Jones. John Paul Jones.
Brian seemed nice, but he got so nervous that he forgot how to talk.
Scott was nervous, too. His voice was literally shaking, like every girl on The Bachelor when they felt an emotion.
Matteo was nervous. Daron was nervous. Tyler G. said he'd been dreaming about her, so she was literally the girl of his dreams. He didn't seem as nervous.
Two more boring guys, and then another gimmick. Joe the Box King got carried in on a forklift inside of one of his boxes then burst out and said, "Hannah, this package isn't complete without you!" And then he said, "You check all of my boxes." He's the Box King, the Total Package!
Some dude brought a bottle of champagne in a car seat, because he wanted Hannah to know that he chooses alcohol over family.
Connor J. spoke French. Said his name was "Con-air," like Connor with a French accent. Connor J. is canceled.
Then guys did some gimmicks. They were all bad. One guy dropped an armful of footballs and said he "fumbled" his introduction. Why?
Luke P. popped out of the limo's moonroof and roared and got into an animal pose. "You're a beast, but I'm the king of the jungle," he said. Red flag. It's troubling when guys call themselves "kings" unironically.
Cam, who got the rose from the Bachelor finale by rapping, came back and rapped again. He said it was a freestyle rap, but I think it was written.
Matt Donald drove up on a tractor and sang a Bachelorette-themed version of "Old McDonald." He's from Los Gatos, California, home of Netflix.
Chasen. "I'm a commercial airline pilot. Women love a man in uniform. I try to work that to my advantage." OK.
Peter did Chasen one better and actually showed up in his pilot's uniform. Hey, did you know Peter's a pilot? It's kind of his whole deal.
All the guys were introduced and it was only 8:50! The show zipped through those intros, man. Hannah came in and said, "I don't want perfect, I want real." Why is she so focused on imperfection? Why would you make that your thing? Preemptively saying "I am imperfect," to me, seems like a way to skirt responsibility for your character defects while seeming like you're acknowledging them.
Luke P. was the first to grab Hannah. He said he recently became an uncle, like he had accomplished something. He told Hannah that she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. He said he's caught such strong feelings so quickly. No good, this guy.
Mike said to Hannah, "When you love yourself, there's nothing that can hold you back." I already don't like Mike.
Connor J. threw her a "Bachelorette party" with goofy games. He gave her a little crown. It was pretty cute. Connor J. is uncanceled.
Cam kissed her. First rose, first kiss. Cam is going for it.
Jed! sang to her because he's the guitar guy of the season. Hannah said she has a crush on him.
Hannah and Katie were in a surveillance van in the driveway watching the night unfold on monitors. Demi said she got a tip that one of these guys has a girlfriend, and she was trying to figure out if he was there? It was kind of unclear. In any case, she wasn't into Joe the Box King. The guy was Scott, who seemed douchey. "Oh my god, what a douche," Demi said. We are on the same page, Demi! Chris Harrison pulled Hannah aside and took her out to the van, and they told her Scott apparently has a girlfriend. It was a setup, and a poorly executed setup at that. Just really lazy puppeteering.
Hannah was like, "I heard you have a girlfriend." He floundered, and then Hannah made faces at him. She was really hamming up how personally affronted she was about a guy she just met five minutes before and just found out he had a girlfriend two minutes ago. But then he said yes, he was in a relationship until Monday. But then he was like "dating Colton until a couple of months ago is pretty similar." Pretty bad fake drama. I didn't care for it. I mean, I guess since she was the victim of him Not Being Here for the Right Reasons, it hurts her more. If it were me, maybe I'd be upset, too. I'd just not give him a rose, though. Why create unnecessary conflict? I guess I just don't think like a reality TV person.
Some guy said Scott took up an hour of the night, which I appreciated as something that establishes a timeline. Luke P. pulled her aside again and said how upset he was to see her so upset. He told her he is here for her. Whatever, dude. Night one and I'm already over this dude I'm pretty certain is going to at least the final four, unless he gets EXPOSED and DRAGGED before he gets there. She gave him the first impression rose, and the last four guys to get the first impression rose have won their season. After she gave him the rose, Hannah initiated the kiss with him. She likes this guy. I'm CONCERNED.
The rose ceremony order was Mike, Connor S., Matthew, Connor J., Jed!, Dustin, Joey, Devin, Pilot Peter, Dylan, Matteo, Jonathan, Tyler C., Tyler G., Daron, Luke S., Garrett, Grant, Kevin, and John Paul Jones. Which meant Matt Donald, Ryan, Joe the Box King, Chasen, Hunter, Brian, and Thomas (and Scott) didn't get roses.
All right, one week down, 10 to go.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Episodes are available to stream on Hulu.