Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Well, well, well. Isn't this what we've all been waiting for with baited breath?

First of all, no Beverly Hills babe would ever stoop to being called a housewife. How plebeian. How gauche. Hollywood wives please, far more glamorous! And I should know, since I wrote the book about the sleek, groomed, ambitious, social-climbing wives of Hollywood icons. But let's examine the women in question on this new Housewives franchise. They might be affluent, pretty (with a definite nod to various surgical procedures), but do they represent Beverly Hills? They sure give it a big try.

First off, there's Kim and Kyle Richards, sisters who were once child actresses and whose current claim to fame is that they are Paris Hilton's aunts. Kyle, a pretty brunette, seems to have it all together, while Kim appears to be on edge. Fireworks between them do not represent Beverly Hills.

Then there's Camille Grammer, soon to be ex-wife of TV star Kelsey Grammer. Camille is into dancing like a crazy person at every opportunity, determined to emerge from Kelsey's shadow.

Which brings us to Taylor Armstrong, wife of a venture capitalist, and Adrienne Maloof, a businesswoman... who look eerily alike. Maybe it's me, or are they trying way too hard to be considered relevant? Big bucks, mansions and private jets do not a Beverly Hills mover and shaker make. Sorry, girls.

Finally there is the obligatory Englishwoman, Lisa Vanderpump, a charming restaurant owner who seems slightly out of place.

Where are the actual power players? The wives who matter? The women married to megaproducers, movie stars, powerful directors and studio heads? They are the real housewives of Beverly Hills, and they are sorely missing. Money alone doesn't cut it — status is the only deal that really matters in Beverly Hills.

I am sure I will be glued to my TV anyway. And the upcoming previews offer a lot more action, and maybe a touch of Hollywood power and glamour. Let's hope. Otherwise, I might be forced to write Hollywood Wives 2!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premieres Thursday, 10/9c on Bravo. Collins' Poor Little Bitch Girl will be out in paperback March 2011

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