Two Bits and Pepper Reviews

From PM Entertainment, proud purveyors of direct-to-video crash-and-burn action movies, comes TWO-BITS & PEPPER, a demented "family" film for those who consider kidnapping, animal abuse, and undertones of child molestation to be good, clean fun. A pony named Two-Bits and an older horse named Pepper, who talk to each other when nobody's around, are owned by a young girl named Tyler (Lauren Eckstrom). When she and her best friend Katie (Rachel Crane) ride the horses into town after being warned not to by Tyler's parents, Tyler and her mother have a big fight, and Tyler runs away from home and goes to Katie's house. Meanwhile, leather-jacketed, chain-smoking, tatooed kidnapper Spider (Joe Piscopo) and his nerdy, lisping brother Zike (Piscopo) cruise around town, hanging out at playgrounds and schoolyards, trying to lure little boys and girls into their car. Tyler's parents go to the police to report her missing, and Two-Bits and Pepper leave their barn to look for her. Spider and Zike are pulled over by a suspicious cop, but they escape and wind up at Katie's house. They break in and cut off the electricity and telephone. Zike accidentally sets fire to the house and Katie and Tyler run away. Katie's sister comes home from a date and sees the house burning, then calls Tyler's parents, who notify the cops. Spider and Zike track down Katie and Tyler who are hiding out in an abandoned shack and hold them captive. Katie manages to wriggle out of her ropes, run outside, and flag down a police helicopter, but Spider and Zike escape in a truck with Tyler. Two-Bits and Pepper chase down the truck and stop it by blocking its path. Spider gets out and shoots Two-Bits, then tries to drive away, but the cops rescue Tyler and capture Spider and Zike. Two-Bits is rushed to the vet, where surgery is successfully performed, and a while later is almost fully recovered, as the girls ride away on Pepper. TWO-BITS & PEPPER is a prurient, mind-boggling concoction that mixes HOME ALONE (1990), talking horses, children and animals in jeopardy, and last, but not least, an unbelievably embarrassing performance by Joe Piscopo in a dual role. It's also probably the only film ever made to depict a flashback from a horse's point-of-view: a scene where a drunk driver runs over Two-Bits's mother is revealed to be the pony's recurring nightmare! Pretending to be a children's film, its most likely appeal will be to dirty old men and child molesters, featuring two nubile pre-teens being tied up and slobbered over by a pair of leering, repulsive kidnappers. Although, Spider and Zike are supposed to be comically inept bumblers, the only "comedy" is offered by Zike's chronic flatulence, while Spider viciously threatens to break the girls' legs with a metal pipe and actually tries to lure kids into his car by offering them candy. To prove how versatile he is, Piscopo lays on the menace extra thick as Spider, and acts retarded as Zike; it's truly a disturbing sight to behold. As for the fantasy elements, the talking horses are accomplished simply by inserting voice-overs, with the voice of Pepper being a blatant "Mr. Ed" rip-off, and neither of the animals even moving their mouths while talking. Writer-director Corey Michael Eubanks, a former direct-to-video action performer, and producers Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi should stick to the formula of exploding cars and slow-mo shoot-outs, because this surprisingly PG-rated attempt to crack the lucrative family-video market is an atrocity that only the Manson family could love. (Violence, profanity.)