As Hannah Brown sang at the top of the show, it's Fantasy Suite Week on The Bachelorette. Hannah said the fantasy suites aren't about sex, but they're definitely not not about sex. This episode... was about sex.
Pilot Peter got the first date. They did the Titanic thing on the bow of a boat, because that's mandatory if you find yourself on a boat (it's also mandatory to sing "I'm on a Boat"). Peter didn't f--- a mermaid, but he did spend the night in a windmill. We'll get to that later, though.
During the dinner portion of the date, we were just waiting for the dang windmill to appear. We know Pilot Peter is clearly not going to win because we see how Hannah is with other guys compared to him (one other guy in particular, you know who), but she's soooooo physically attracted to Pilot Peter. He talked about how much he loves flying, but especially how much he loves flying with Hannah. He should talk about being a former child actor, too! I want to hear about that! He finally told Hannah he was in love with her, but I think it's probably too late. They chose to forgo their separate rooms and stayed in the windmill. And they confirmed that producers do provide condoms in the fantasy suite via a callback to last week when Hannah found a condom in the center console of Pilot Peter's car. At this moment, every tweet about the show was some variation of "WINDMILL."
Hannah seemed tired the next morning, because she spent the night being Aphrodite to Pilot Peter's Zeus. He was really feelin' it. "Mic drop," he said. "Game over. Hannah's mine." He was very in love with her in that moment. I think he was being like another figure from Greek myth: the homie Icarus.
The next date went to Tyler. They went to da spa and got massaged. Hannah's red nose made an appearance. The masseuses left the room as Tyler took over. He got on top of her and they made out on the massage table while Hannah was topless.
During dinner, Hannah told Tyler they have a very strong physical connection, but the emotional connection is lacking, so she she wasn't sure if she wanted to forgo their separate rooms. She didn't want to go and have sex with him just to do it. He was like, "I respect that." So they stayed together, in a docked boat, and didn't have sex. Admirable restraint, Hannah and Tyler. I would have gotten sick sitting on that gently rocking boat. I hope they took some Dramamine. Hannah got very emotional as Tyler left because she cares very much about him. She felt so respected by him.
Next up was Jed. He and Hannah were having a drink at a communal table with some very nosy Greek people who interrogated them about whether they were going to get married. Jed got very quiet and upset about something, and he pulled Hannah aside to address what was on his mind -- he needed to know what Hannah saw in Luke. Hannah thought about what she was going to say for a very long time, and finally said, "How honest do you want me to be?"
She said she and Luke had a "weird" connection from the very start. She can't explain it. Even now, she's trying to figure it out. Jed asked Hannah why she's holding on to something so uncertain. "The feeling," she said. She's seen sides of him the other guys haven't seen. But I still feel like we the viewers haven't seen what Hannah sees in him.
After processing her conversation with Jed a little bit, Hannah felt like he was coming from a caring place, but he needs to trust her and trust that her relationship with Luke had nothing to do with him. She told Jed she knows how he feels and appreciates him sharing his feelings with her. And he was like, "ACTUALLY, it does affect me." He hates Luke that much. He told Hannah he feels like she might have a hard time letting go of things that are not good for her. And her face was like "Oh my god, dude!" That! Is! Some! Brutal! Honesty! She sat with it for a little bit, and then got so mad. She was so tired of having to explain her feelings about Luke. But they worked it out by telling each other how much they cared about each other, and they chose to forgo their separate rooms. The morning after, Jed and Hannah told each other they were totally sure about each other. Well, I don't know about that.
Next up was Luke. Like true influencers, they went to Santorini, Greece. They didn't go to Mykonos this episode, though, oddly enough. That's the other very popular Instagram vacation place. Luke made a toast to Hannah "finding fierce love," blech. This is no time to be calling back to catchphrases. The boy's got marriage on his mind. But it all just felt like the calm before the storm.
During dinner, Luke brought up being a "spiritual leader" and wanting to make history in his family for his spiritual leadership. He talked about saving himself for marriage, and said he wanted to hear from her mouth that she was also saving herself for marriage. Hannah was looking at him like "What are you saying to me right now?" Then Luke dropped the bomb: If she had sex with any of the other guys, he'd want to go home. She told him she didn't agree with a lot of what he said, and she said she was mad at him for trying to dictate her behavior when he didn't have the right to do so.
He backtracked and said he doesn't take it lightly when he says he loves her, and he said he'd be willing to work through it if she'd had sex with any of the other guys. He didn't want his intentions to be misunderstood, but he just didn't get that she was understanding him perfectly. "I could understand a slip-up," he said. "but all of them?" How is there any other way to construe that?
As the rain picked up dramatically around her, Hannah explained to Luke that she ignored so many red flags with him and had her heart broken by him and given him another chance, and for him to say that he would break up with her if she'd had sex with other guys was a slap in the face. It was an excellent monologue. She delivered her points calmly and concisely and confidently, which made them even more devastating.
That is an excellent point, ABC unscripted TV executive Rob Mills:
Hannah quoted scripture at Luke to shut him down. "I feel like I've finally gotten clarity on you," she said. "And I do not want you to be my husband." I got CHILLS. HANNAH! MIC DROP! FUNKMASTER FLEX BOMB SOUND EFFECT! Luke wanted to get one more word in, and Hannah said "It's over, come on."
"I feel like you owe me at least --" he said, which was the exact wrong thing to say. She couldn't believe he said that. I can believe he said that, but I can't believe he actually said that. And then when he wouldn't just leave, she told him she knew how she could get him to leave, and then dropped the bomb: She had sex in a windmill. Twice. He was stunned. "Can I pray over you before I leave?" he said. I genuinely LOLd. "No," Hannah said. And she flipped off the SUV as it took Luke's sorry ass away.
Luke's gonna come back and make one last-ditch effort at the rose ceremony, and hopefully somebody gives him the punch in the face he so desperately craves.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It's available to stream on Hulu.