We've been building to this night from the moment JoJo Fletcher stepped out of the limo to greet Ben Higgins wearing a unicorn mask on The Bachelor, we just didn't know it yet. But here we are, watching our girl get engaged to Jordan Rodgers.
And I gotta say, I don't have a good feeling about their relationship lasting. I'm not saying JoJo should have chosen Robby, just that Jordan maybe wasn't the best choice. Her reservations about him seem justified, if the tabloid headlines Chris Harrison showed them during After the Final Rose are to be believed (which they may or may not be, you know?). Her own mother called him a "playboy." I think JoJo, like so many people, goes for the unavailable type. The type that burns hot until someone else comes along. I think what JoJo's mother was getting at when she was saying Jordan is "likable" is that other women will want to be around Jordan. And he will give them more attention than JoJo will like. But JoJo's only 25 and has been a "princess" her whole life, according to her mother Soraya. She's got a lot more life to experience.
So, um, on that sour note, let's get to the myriad awkward moments of the season finale and After the Final Rose special of The Bachelorette.
9. We never learned what was in Santa's box
All the way back in Episode 1, Nick "Santa" B. brought JoJo a gift. She never unwrapped it that night. For all we know, she stil never unwrapped it and it's just sitting in a cabinet Bachelor Mansion somewhere, waiting for some girl to find it on The Bachelor next season.
8. Robby not admitting to drinking wine out of the bottle like JoJo's mom
When Robby was meeting JoJo's family, she prompted him to tell them about the gift he brought her the first night. He said he brought her a "personalized wine bottle." But that's not the whole story! He opened that bottle and drank from it directly, which was a joke about how JoJo's mom drank wine straight from the bottle during Ben's hometown visit on The Bachelor last season. He was supposed to say that he was making fun of her a little bit, and he lied by omission.
7. Robby's style was just not working
Robby looks a little weird — too perfectly groomed — under the best of circumstances, but he was wilding stylistically tonight. You may ask "who are you to comment on how other men dress?" Well, I've written about style for Esquire. I have opinions professionally. And Robby made all kinds of choices I do not agree with. I did not agree with his choice to wear a long-sleeved shirt and shorts. That combo always looks confused to me. I did not agree with his tie and pocket square and cloth boutonnière. He should have gone with one or the other. Both the pocket square and boutonnière was overdoing it. I did not agree with his engagement ring choice. I did not agree with his choice to appear on TV wearing hotel room slippers.
I did agree with his cobalt blue suit for the rose ceremony. That looked good. And it was gratifying to see him combing his hair.
6. They didn't even announce the next Bachelor!
Three hours of The Bachelorette and no real news to report. I guess we'll have to wait until the finale of Bachelor In Paradise to find out whether it's Luke or Chase.
5. "After our overnight — which was awesome --"
Lol, Robby, chill! Had to slip that in, didn't you?
4. Jordan's reaction when Chris Harrison says maybe Aaron Rodgers will come to the wedding
Jordan still doesn't want to talk about his famous estranged brother. He's still not speaking to Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. When Chris Harrison made the comment about Aaron coming to the wedding, Jordan made a grin of pain and a sound like "grrrah." First of all, there's not going to be a wedding. Second of all, don't get in the middle of this, Chris Harrison!
3. Chris Harrison showing JoJo and Jordan magazine covers that say mean things about them
Was it really necessary to make JoJo look at an Us Weekly with the headline "Falling for a Fraud?" It just felt needlessly cruel. If the articles aren't true, why give them this power? This show was so mean to JoJo all season.
2. I don't believe that asking for Dad's permission was important to Jordan
Jordan's failure to ask JoJo's father for her hand in marriage when they met face-to-face was a big point of controversy this episode, because Jordan made a big to-do about how getting his future father-in-law's permission was so important to him. It was a topic of discussion in last week's episode, t0o. I didn't buy it then, and I didn't buy it now. I just don't buy Jordan as a traditional guy who really cares about making his significant other's family happy. I think he's a "playboy." There was a very telling moment where he slipped and mentioned that JoJo said it would be important for the man who would propose to her to ask her father for permission. It didn't matter to Jordan at all. He was just telling her what she wanted to hear, and then when he was called upon to follow through he backed down because he wasn't actually so invested as to be willing to bear the discomfort. When she was mad at him when he admitted he didn't ask, he said basically that he didn't want to ask a question he didn't know the answer to and put himself out there and get rejected. If it really was important, he would have done it anyway. But it wasn't, so he didn't. The cognitive dissonance of being repeatedly told something I could see was not true was awkward to watch. And speaking of not believing what I'm being told...
1. I straight-up don't believe that JoJo was equally in love with both dudes
It was Jordan from the start. From the moment she saw him. There was never anyone else. Maybe to some degree she wanted it to be Robby, since Robby seems nicer and more aligned with the family values she thinks she wants. Her parents liked Robby better, you know? And JoJo obviously had very strong feelings for Robby. But really, the whole "JoJo is in love with two men" felt like an attempt to recapture some of the drama of the Ben-Lauren-JoJo love triangle from last season. I think JoJo was continuing that narrative that she'd been part of from a different angle. Ben genuinely seemed torn between Lauren and JoJo, even though Lauren was obviously the right choice for him, and he knew it deep down all along but really couldn't decide. I didn't get that sense watching JoJo. It feels more like JoJo had such strong reservations about Jordan that she was willing to entertain the possibility of choosing Robby so as to not make a heartbreaking mistake. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that JoJo's conundrum was entirely manufactured for the cameras, because I don't think JoJo is an actress. But I don't think it was anywhere near as serious as the show made it out to be, which made for really boring, annoying, frustrating television, because so much time was devoted to storyline that didn't feel authentic. The constant talk about JoJo's uncertainty and the things Jordan did wrong just telegraphed that this relationship is not going to last.
And like that, a somewhat underwhelming season has kind of a bummer ending. At least there's the promise of more Chad tomorrow night on Bachelor In Paradise. But we'll talk about that Wednesday. For now, let's wish JoJo and Jordan the best and appreciate the fun moments we had this season.