60 Minutes II
I'm so not a newsmagazine guy. They're too sad. But I had to see what the foster parents of those underfed kids in New Jersey had to say for themselves. I mean, how can you ignore that a 19-year-old boy is only 45 pounds? So what do they say? "We miss our children." Yeah? Then feed them! Or get them help if they actually have the eating disorders you claim they suffer from. To make things worse, Charlie Rose goes and interviews the surviving members of the Grateful Dead. What the hell did these guys smoke? Embalming fluid? They look like the Grateful Undead. And could y'all take the proceeds from those ugly tie-dyes and get Phil Lesh a box of whitening strips? I think I saw his teeth in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Star Trek: Enterprise
Like a hundred years ago, Battlestar Galactica went to the futuristic Wild West. It was cool because they had Cylons on horseback. This one was sort of the same idea, but with Scott Bakula all chapped up, I expected Al to pop in and tell him to take a Quantum Leap. Big props to the wardrobe folks for finding Jolene Blalock the sexiest prairie skirt ever. I'm sure the chat-room crowd would like to thank you, too.

Here's a tip to all TV characters: Whenever a family member visits, beware. They're either out for blood, bucks or your man. So as soon as Wesley's dad showed up, I just knew he was trouble. Too bad Angel didn't, or he would have been spared the ugly soul-stealing run-in with pops atop Wolfram & Hart. Loved the cyborg assassins, too. Brought back some very fond memories of The Bionic Woman's fembots.

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
Meredith, love the new 'do. You too, Antoinette. You go, girls. And Leeann, just go. To the rest of Bob's near-miss Misses, especially sweet Mary, hang in there. We all thought he was a good guy, and there ain't no shame in that game.

Reenactments of celebrity mishaps and scandals? Sign me up! It's always fun to see someone who looks nothing like Martin Lawrence having a meltdown in the middle of the road, screaming "fight the power!" I feel your pain, bad boy. Though I'm shocked that Heidi Fleiss ever fell for a ruffian like Tom Sizemore. I always thought she'd be more into guys named John, you know?

That this alien-invasion flick takes place not too far from my 'hood severely creeps me out. As does the fact that I met M. Night Shyamalan a few years ago and failed to realize that he would one day scare the crop circles out of me. Fiend.

48 Hours Investigates
So how long before E! gets its hands on the Robert Blake story? Because that's all this was. Interview after interview with Baretta and his famous friends. If you can call Casey and Jean Kasem famous. Did he do it? Who knows. But I wouldn't want to be the exec who tells Blake that he's not playing himself in the TV-movie.

Animal Precinct
A round of applause, please, for the good Samaritans of the SPCA. Seriously, I thought my Chihuahua Pepito's scratched cornea was traumatic. These folks rescued a neglected dachshund with a punctured eye! And another malnourished buddy stuck on a fire escape. True, it wasn't pretty to watch, but it's beautiful to see people protecting and serving pets at risk. After all, this really is an animal planet. The rest of us are just here to hand out treats.