Here on Earth Reviews

What can you say about an 18-year-old girl who... oops, that would be giving away this LOVE STORY lite's sorry excuse for a surprise ending, so let's start again. Somewhere in the Berkshire mountain region of Massachusetts lies an impossible bucolic small town called Putnam, where people are poor but have love. Up the road apiece is Ralston Prep, where the arbitrageurs of the future learn to wheel, deal and look down their patrician noses at the little people. One Brahmin-in-training, Kelley (Chris Klein), gets into a pissing contest with Jasper (John Hartnett), a local who's incensed when he catches Kelley checking out his coltish cutie, Samantha (Leelee Sobieski). In the ensuing dustup, Sam's family's diner goes up in flames. Jasper and Kelley are both sentenced to spend the summer rebuilding the diner; Kelley's perpetually absentee pop is off mastering the universe, so Kelley must fend for himself among the rustics. Need it be said that there's a romantic triangle in the offing, or that poor little Samantha and poor little rich boy Kelley are really soul mates? It's practically written on their breathtaking cheekbones, after all, while soulful Jasper's light is hidden beneath a Moe Howard haircut; how can he compete with Kelley's perfectly razored locks, so sharp you could cut yourself? And then there's that tear-jerking surprise, foreshadowed so heavy-handedly that a blind person could see it coming. Far sadder is the prospect of writer Mark Seitzman, sole author of this shameless piffle, penning a remake of Ernst Lubitsch's TROUBLE IN PARADISE — that's something to weep about. As for first-time feature director Mark Piznarski, he should be cited for excessive use of slow motion, sun-dappled trees and golden light; one more cliché violation and his license to direct would be forfeit.