(This post contains spoilers for the season finale of The Bachelorette, if you care.)

After 11 weeks of offscreen controversy after offscreen controversy after offscreen controversy involving bad behavior by Becca Kufrin's guys ranging from unpleasant to gross to criminal, we're finally at the finale of Season 14 of The Bachelorette, which had relatively little onscreen controversy. After Rachel and Arie's highly emotional and riveting finales where people got their hearts ripped out, Becca's felt a little lower stakes. Her season will not be remembered for what happened on it, but for what happened around it, including the breakup with Arie Luyendyk Jr. on The Bachelor that got her the gig in the first place.

Oh well. I hope she and Garrett Yrigoyen are happy together. Maybe they can be a model for how liberals and conservatives can get along, if anyone still thinks bipartisanship is achievable. Step one: go on a crazy show. Step two: be really attracted to the other person physically. Step three: don't think about politics very much, probably.

Y'all Really Want Jason to Be the Next Bachelor

Anyway, at the top of the show, Chris Harrison said his usual thing about how this was the most dramatic finale ever and no one has ever been so hurt, but five months ago we watched the raw footage of Arie calling off his engagement to Becca, so not even Chris Harrison believes what he's saying.

Becca said she's in love with both guys, but she hasn't told either of them, because Becca isn't dramatic like that. She said she's still a little concerned about Garrett's short marriage and if that means he'll have trouble committing, but Garrett meeting her family went well. Garrett's smile is charming. And Garrett's marriage ended because his wife didn't get along with his family, and he loves his family. He cried when he talked about his mother having cancer and losing his grandfather. And he cried when talking to Becca's sister about how much he loves Becca and wants to protect her. People like Garrett love their families and view people outside of their family as threats.

Blake Horstmann showed up wearing a long-sleeved shirt and pink shorts. But Blake's a sweet guy, and he made a good impression, too. He said he gravitates toward strong, independent women. Becca's sister said Garrett would be a "great father" (because he's patriarchal) and Blake would a "teammate." Becca admitted that for most of the season she thought she would choose Blake, but Garrett has come up strong in the past few weeks.

Becca's mom asked Blake if he'd be okay if Becca didn't choose him, and Blake got upset. The producers do this on purpose. They send the more confident contestant to meet the family first so that the second contestant gets rattled when the family talks about the other person like they know them already. And Blake got rattled. "I think she's going to pick Garrett," he said.

Her family liked both of them, but said Garrett was more of a risk. Her uncle said something about Garrett maybe not being in step with the issues that are important to her. He also said Garrett was a "poet," which is probably not a way Garrett has ever been described before. Maybe he's one of those elusive jock-poets. "An Ode to a Snowmobile."

Becca and Garrett went out on a boat during their last date and they saw some dolphins. REAL dolphins.

Garrett said that Becca doesn't give him butterflies, she gives him "eagles," which is both poetic and patriotic! Very on brand!

Blake was feeling better by this time with Becca. Poor baby. He made her a... scrapbook diorama(?) of memories from their time together. Uh, buddy, Jason already did a scrapbook! And it didn't work out for him, either. So the moral of the story is don't give scrapbooks.

Neil Lane showed up with rings for Blake and Garrett to choose. Hi Neil Lane! Nice to see you.

This probably would have been when they showed the conversation that Arie and Lauren flew to the Maldives to have with Becca, but they didn't show it. How boring must it have been that it didn't make the show?

Then it was time for Becca to break Blake's heart. Chris Harrison kept harping on how he's never seen a breakup this devastating like we all have amnesia and don't remember the literal reason why Becca is the Bachelorette.

Blake gave a nice speech that I wish he didn't have to give, and then Becca said she envisioned him standing there for so long, but that she had a certain indescribable thing with Garrett she didn't have with Blake. Blake was so, so sweaty. Poor guy. Becca was clear that he didn't do anything wrong, the connection just wasn't as strong.

"I love you," he said. Becca flinched. "Bye," he said. He started crying after he turned his back and walked away. He started crying into a towel that served a dual purpose of muffling the sobs and wiping the sweat.


Then we cut to the present, live from Los Angeles, to Blake, watching himself get dumped. He said a lot of the season has been difficult to watch, and it was really hard to see how real it was between the two of them, especially in the interviews where she talked about being in love with him. He said he was confused and frustrated and said it was so painful to think you know something and find out you're wrong. He said the hardest part was being blindsided in the moment. But he said he has no hard feelings and isn't angry at her. He'll be alright, this guy.

Becca came out, and Blake asked if there was a moment when she knew it wasn't going to be him, and she said no, it was just about which relationship was going to be right for her at the end of this. She did say that she worried about him getting in his head at times and how he would handle tough situations like a sick child, which was an intense thing to say about someone on TV. I was not expecting that to be the thing that swayed her decision? But Blake's cool. He's gracious and wishes her well. They handled it like grown-ups who are moving on with their lives. Chris Harrison is so full of s---.

Before she gave her final rose to Garrett, she said something about them taking care of each other when they're sick. Becca's father dying of cancer is her character motivation. She told Garrett that he reminded her of her father. Becca has experienced a lot of pain, and I hope one day she doesn't feel the sting so much.

Garrett is not popular on social media because of what he did on social media. This is a fanbase that makes up its mind and rarely changes it. People were disappointed that she chose him over Blake.

Garrett and Becca came out and joined Chris Harrison on the couch, and they seemed very much in love. They basically made small talk, showing off the ring. There was still a half hour left, and the countdown to when they talk about politics was on.

They showed a little package about their "happy couple weekend" they had in secret while the season was airing. I wonder if when Garrett saw the cameras show up he got worried.

Then Garrett addressed the elephant in the room. He basically said what he said in his apology. He's trying to grow and change as a person and he wasn't trying to offend anyone and he didn't mean it. Okay. But does he understand what he did wrong? That mocking trans people and immigrants and feminists and school shooting survivors (which Blake is) is dehumanizing? Neither he nor Becca say. He does say he doesn't stand by those likes. He said that the things he liked were things that go against what Becca believes in. They didn't talk about how they're reconciling how their beliefs differ. That's the most interesting part. The only interesting part, really.

They're going to move to Los Angeles, so ABC gave them a minivan to drive around the city. It was a callback to Garrett's arrival on the first night, when he drove up in a minivan. It's a pretty cool old minivan with fake wood paneling. That's a nice gift. I don't recall other couples getting a gift. I bet Kaitlyn Bristowe is pissed. Again.


Bachelor in Paradise, the fun Bachelor show, premieres Tuesday, Aug. 7 at 8/7c.