The US Senate might've voted against subpoenaing witnesses for the real-life impeachment trial of Donald Trump, but in Saturday Night Live's latest cold open, things went very, very differently during the proceeding. Dubbed "The Trial You Wished Had Happened," the segment featured Kenan Thompson as Judge Mathis, kicking Mikey Day's Chief Justice John Roberts out of his seat and declaring, "this court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt."
The skit started by lampooning some of the same Republican leaders who've defended Trump in the real process, with Beck Bennett once again appearing as Mitch McConnell and Kate McKinnon reprising her role as Lindsey Graham. This Graham, at least, wasn't concerned with being on the wrong side of history and said, "Well, where I come from we have our own history books and on the cover is a T-Rex handing a confederate flag to Jesus, OK?"
NotMathis wasn't content with just their words on the subject of Trump's charges, though, and insisted, "We are calling witnesses because that's how a damn trial works." First up to the podium was Cecily Strong as John Bolton, the former National Security Advisor who claimed in his book to have direct knowledge of Trump's motives in withholding aid to Ukraine. "The things I saw President Trump doing make me deeply worried about the future of democracy," Faux Bolton testified through that major mustache. When asked why he waited until now to bring for these details, the answer was, "'Cause I'm a messy bitch who loves drama."
The skit wasn't just a democrat's fever dream either, though; Mock Mathis also summoned the man certain GOP members of congress have had high on their wish lists, too: Pete Davidson as Hunter Biden, riding in on a hoverboard. "The President is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crime," he declared before putting things into perspective with, "I have been selling Biden Steaks for my office at the top of Biden Tower, and letting foreign leaders stay at Biden-a-Lago — oh, wait, that's the President's sons. Ya burnt."
The kicker came when Mathis called up Alec Baldwin's Trump to defend himself — well, sort of. "My defense is very simple, your honor: I'm guilty, but it ain't no thang," he insisted. After taking a familiar pot shot at Alex Moffat's bug-eyed version of House manager Adam Schiff, NotTrump then summarized his entire experience of being under impeachment. "Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I've learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I'd like to come clean about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn't perfect, it was illegal, and frankly, it was a butt dial," he admitted. "Also, I watch CNN all the time, and it's awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Arkansas, and West Virginia — West Carolina, I'm sorry. I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections, and bathroom scales."
Judge Mathis then found Trump guilty and fined him $10,000, along with issuing an order for Trump to say something nice about Nancy Pelosi as punishment.
Saturday Night Live airs Saturdays at 11:30/10:30c on NBC.