Ever since we caught wind of 20th Century Fox's plans to remake Dallas for the big screen, we haven't been able to stop trying to imagine which wannabe Ewings could possibly fill the Stetsons and cowboy boots of the CBS series' original 1978-91 cast. Who, we wondered, really, truly deserves to take a shot at J.R. Ewing — er, that is, at the role of J.R.? Well, darlin', why don't you just fire up the barbecue, kick back and read on for a spell? TV Guide Online has picked the perfect performers to play not only the oiliest tycoon this side of Kenneth Lay, but his feudin' family, too.
George Clooney as J.R.: We always thought there was an inappropriately devilish gleam in ER doc Doug Ross's eye. Plus, casting this matinee idol as the two-timing Texan would make his awesome track record with the ladies far more believable than it was when Larry Hagman wore his spurs.
Sherilyn Fenn as Sue Ellen: Although it's hard to picture anyone staring at a bottle of booze more lustfully than Linda Gray, this intoxicating beauty earned an AA-plus by enduring three seasons of Showtime's funny-as-a-hangover 12-step program, Rude Awakening.
Peter Krause as Bobby: In interviews, Six Feet Under's hunky leading man seems to make everything a grave matter — and when you get right down to it, wasn't that always the biggest problem that Patrick Duffy's squeaky-clean character had?
Laura Elena Harring as Pam: Sensual and spunky, the Mulholland Drive starlet would have no trouble turning heads or butting 'em. In addition, with her standing in for Victoria Principal, it's unlikely that Bobby would let her out of his sight long enough to dream up the godawful 1985-86 season.
Greg Kinnear as Cliff: Sure, this Oscar nominee has cleaned up his act since Talk Soup. But nobody who's introduced as many Jerry Springer clips as he has can ever wash off all the sleaze, and that makes him our go-to guy to pick up where Ken Kercheval left off.
Lacey Chabert as Lucy: It makes us feel dirty picturing the buxom former Party of Five moppet prancing around in Charlene Tilton's hand-me-down Daisy Dukes. But then, that's exactly how we're supposed to react to the nymphet who made hay with her Uncle Ray.
Burt Reynolds and Sally Field as Jock and Miss Ellie: God love 'em, Jim Davis and Barbara Bel Geddes were as believable as sweethearts as a Playgirl centerfold and a flying nun, so this '70s supercouple could hardly do worse. What's more, the star of Sam Whiskey and 100 Rifles is sure to look right at home on the range. As for Field... well, maybe this time they won't make Miss Ellie wear all those housedresses.
Wesley Snipes as Ray: To give the update an edge, we'd turn to the hero of Blade. Lord knows, he's a more exciting actor than Steve Kanaly ever was. And besides, by casting an African-American as Jock's illegitimate son, the whole affair would become a heckuva lot more colorful.