North Shore
Here's how desperate I am to see a non-reality show: I watched this entire episode even though the cute bartender guy was barely in it. And I liked it. In a plot twist that I didn't see coming, Tessa ended up hustling her evil hustler ex boyfriend, getting him arrested and getting $11,000 out of the deal. (Shut up!) Next on her hit list: hotel head Vincent Colville (aka James Remar).

But, wait. Let me get this Chris and MJ story straight. So they accidentally ride into a marijuana farm, drug dealers take them captive and are about to beat the aloha out of them and all they do while waiting for their inevitable end is share their how-I-came-to-be-in-Hawaii stories and kiss? Yeah, right. That's what I'd do — after I tried to tunnel my way out of the hut or MacGyver a weapon out weed seeds. I'm just saying.

VH1's I Love the '90s
No, they didn't. VH1 pulled out the big guns for these shows. (Ian Ziering, M.C. Hammer, In Living Color's Fly Girl clips!) And now, somebody's going to have to pull an intervention or I'm going to spend every night this week crawling down memory lane. Because:

1. Hal Sparks is freaking hilarious on these things. And I, oddly, want to watch him. Unlike his cameo in Spider-Man 2, he commits here. Seriously. His jokes about Marion Barry, etc. had me rolling. And when he started imitating Sinead O'Connor doing "Nothing Compares 2 U" I almost forgot that I've seen him be a bare-naked "bottom" on Queer as Folk.

2. I figure, if they used the sound of a Mac starting up and that song "Wiggle It, just a little bit (Acid Groove!)" in today's episodes, by Friday, they'll have played that song "Boom-Boom-Boom. Let me hear you say Way-oh. (Way-oh!)" and I'll finally find out who does it. That way I can stop walking into record stores and singing it to 12-year-old clerks who have no clue which retro house hit I'm talking about but they keep having me repeat it anyway. (I'm on to you kids!).

3. I'm waiting for Vanilla Ice (Ice, baby) to show up as a commentator. (A girl can dream, right?)

For Love or Money 4(?!)
Ah, man. The guys picked Rachel. Not that I can stand Andrea, either. But Rachel?

The Casino
At some point singer Matt Dusk must've seen this episode and thought, "Man, I've got issues." I mean, in his relentless quest to move the band up from the Zax to the Nugget's main showroom he's making like an attention-hungry kid. You know those little boys, the ones who interrupt your conversation to go, "Look what I can do!" Then they stand on kitchen table and do nothing. Right... Maybe next week Matt will try to find an original sound — something that's not half Sinatra, half Harry Connick Jr. and all boring.

Baby for Sale
So I'm watching Lifetime queen Dana Delany and her rich doctor husband try to snare a baby broker in a police sting and I'm thinking $100,000 for a healthy white baby... From what I hear, that's not too bad. Yes, selling cute little Romanian babies is wrong. (Wrong, I tell ya!) But if they'd chosen an adoptive mother, put her up in an apartment, covered all her expenses for nine months, plus taken care of all the medical bills, lawyer fees, etc., wouldn't that come out to be about the same? Ugh. I don't know why I think like this. It's a Lifetime movie. I'm supposed to be appalled that they're selling babies. Not weigh the pros and cons of purchasing them.

VH1's A2Z: Pamela Anderson
Now I lay me down to sleep and I pray the Lord helps me turn off the TV. Seriously. I don't want to know that Canadian Centennial baby Pamela Anderson has the same middle name as me and my little sister, or that she once dated Eric Nies from the first Real World. I mean, what good does it do me to know that the former Mrs. Tommy Lee has graced 11 Playboy covers, used to keep a stripper pole in her bedroom and named Dylan and Brandon — the two sons she delivered during drug-free natural births — after the characters on Beverly Hills, 90210? See, already I've picked up too much. Blast those VH1 evil-producer elves, filling my head with useless trivia... Good night.