First off, loving all of you who wrote in with replies to last week's survey. I'd list y'all by name, but that would take, like, all night and really, Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua is due for a marathon scratch session. So let's just have a big group hug, OK? That was fun.
Now, since this week's episode was so time-warpy and plain old warped I gotta throw out a few more questions. And remember, you will be graded on this.
1) If Awful Alex M. asked Jason the Chronic Cheater to winter formal before he hooked up with Poor Dumb Jessica, how come it seems like all this flirty drama just started? Things to consider: Talan's longer hair and notoriously questionable reality-TV editing.
2) Taking another girl's guy to a dance: skanky or slutty?
3) Exactly how many "friends with benefits" does Kristin have?! And did that Ian dude get a free sample of Herpecin with the tux rental?
4) On a scale of 1 to 10, how cheated did you feel that there was no nail-salon smackdown? Think about it: hair extensions flying, acrylics gouging overlined eyes, Casey's late-model nose getting smashed. So yummy, right?
5) Who would have won, Awful Alex M. or Poor Dumb Jessica?
6) What is with all the elaborate invites? Stephen did that whole prom shtick last season. Now the girls are staging a scavenger hunt like they aren't hot enough to get a date without the effort. Haven't these kids ever heard of "Hey, wanna go with me?" Or carbs?
7) What the hell was Alex H. drinking at the formal? Girlfriend was all Courtney Love-ly by the time she was poured back into the stretch Hummer.
8) And finally, who else was freaked out by Jason the Chronic Cheater and Poor Dumb Jess' 3 am limo fight? I swear, between her whining and his boozy abuse, we were seconds away from a Lifetime movie. And not the fun kind where Melissa Joan Hart and the chick from Blossom investigate sorority hazing or anything.
BONUS POINT: Ashlee Simpson's movie Undiscovered is going to be as tooth-enamel-cracklingly bad as
b. Raise Your Voice
c. From Justin to Kelly
d. All of the above combined.
Damian J. Holbrook
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