This is the week that I would have wanted to spent on the island: no crazy monsters chasing me down, no disturbing deaths or blood transfusions, a free science lesson about trade winds and the gossipy revelation that Kate ran into some trouble with a capital T in Iowa. Sadly, that would probably make me more likely to be friends with her instead of shunning her the way the castaways did, but whatever. This wasn't much of a nail biter to watch from home, but bad stuff's a-comin', just as soon as those trade winds shift. Eerie premonition from Walt about not opening the hatch of evil and that he and his dad need to get the heck off of mystery island stat. Almost made me feel bad that I jumped to conclusions and immediately blamed him for Michael's tummy troubles. And the fact that Kate's rediscovered audio tape was from Aug. 15, 1989, or, um, 8/15.... That can't be good. Bringing up those still-unexplained numbers is more than just a coincidence. Actually, her whole backstory can't be good. I mean it was great to see that Mackenzie Astin apparently figured out the Facts of Life since he got married and procreated, but it was sad to see Kate's own mother with the sunken face like Darth Sidious in Star Wars so freaked out about her kid going to the dark side that she started screaming. Even sadder, was that Kate was once a fan of New Kids on the Block, or at least enough to have the lunch box. Honey, I've been there, too, and that kind of thing is best left buried. Trust me. But I still don't get how that little toy plane managed to get out of the back seat of her smashed-up car, where she left her smashed-up ex-boyfriend, to a safety deposit box in New Mexico? Does that mean that he survived? Oh, and Charlie, you were right, if Drive Shaft were real, all your loyal fans would be out picking up their CDs when they heard about your death in a fiery plane crash. Personally, I can't wait to hear more of "Monster Eats the Pilot," I'd download that on to my iPod in a heartbeat. — Angel Cohn
OK, whooooaaa! Jason's dead?! Just like that? Nice! I mean, you sort of saw something bad coming blondie's way, what with his and Genevieve's whole Reservoir Dogs routine on the kidnapped Luthor duo, but being shot off a cliff by Lionel before he could fill Lex in on Clark's secret was just so out of the blue. Especially since this means someone else is going to bite it in next week's finale. And if it's not Mama Teague — if just for threatening to hurt Lana to get that damn stone back — pleasepleaseplease let it be the show's hairstylist. Between John Glover's Chia 'fro and that moppy-haired photographer freak with the House of Waxy Buildup touch, it was like 1987 all over again. Which, by the way, was my senior year and let me tell you, if I tried to trap the cool kids in an abandoned factory done up to look like Monsignor Bonner back then, the place would have ended up reeking of Drakkar Noir and Z. Cavariccis. Though I must say, there is something to be said for being holed up with Tom Welling, Alison Mack and Kristin Kreuk, you know? Hell, I've had a blast with them over just the past season. And even though the gang is about to graduate, fear not: I have it on very good authority that come fall, the distance between Met. U. and Central Kansas won't be enough to keep Superteen and his posse out of each other's hair. Or out of trouble. Now if they could only get out of the way of that damn Lost. — Damian J. Holbrook
Sure, I should feel awful that my fellow Pennsylvanian, Anthony, was handed the coach ticket back home. But you know what? Love Vonzell. Sorry, dude. Granted, she'll probably get the boot next week, and I'm aiiight with that. Making the Top Three out of what, a gazillion, is splendid. Plus, once she's free of all this, we can finally be together. Maybe we'll even have A-Fed over for dinner and Pictionary. As for Bo and Carrie, well, did ya catch Simon's wink to Bogart? Yeah, I'm guessing that whichever one of them wins, both are gonna be pretty busy cutting their debut albums after the finale. And I'm aiight with that, too. — DJH
(Can't get enough American Idol? Watch Kimberly Caldwell and Rosanna Tavarez dish about the music on Idol Chat, Thursdays at 8 pm/ET on TV Guide Channel.
Poor Ned Bolger (Joel Grey). I actually felt bad for that guy when Jack called him a "pathetic freak." I guess because he actually is one. (I like how "Ned" is still the go-to moniker for losers.) Now, more important, did anyone really think that "Jaclyn" was a mistress? Uh, no. That name was a heartbreaking tragedy waiting to be revealed; and, sadly, losing a child is the most logical conclusion. By the way, that surreal flashback scene with Sloane in a white suit, the baby in a red blanket and Emily in a blue dress reminded me, strangely enough, of the Marlon Brando scenes in Superman. Hmm... I wonder if that means that, in a few years, Sloane is going to clumsily kiss Larry King.
It's funny, I finally figured out what's been different this season: The focal point of Alias has always been the ridiculously complicated life of Sydney Bristow. But it seems to have morphed into "The Sloane Show." We still get to see Sydney put on lots of wigs and then go on various fast-paced missions, but the character arc is totally the old man's. Good news for the influential Ron Rifkin fan club, bad news for those of us mesmerized by the lovely Jennifer Garner. Well, at least we've been getting plenty of Marshall, who easily had the best line of the night: "Yowsa," said the techno geek and married man as he admired a woman's, uh, nametag. Correcting himself, he added, "Nope, you're right. Watch TV. Can't touch the knobs." — Danny SpiegelRevelations Things are rocking early, End of Days fans, with evil Fred Durst making poor due-to-be-sacrificed Hawk repeat incantations. Which gets me wondering, as I always do when faced with these situations. When you say stuff as part of a ceremony, shouldn't it only work if you mean it and aren't forced? Aaah, who am I kidding? Junior-high-era friends with boatloads of bar-mitzvah loot put a big hole in that theory.
"It takes but one god and one gun and one key to leave at the head of an army with me! Or serve a life sentence here, thinking you're free, thinking you're free, thinking you're free!" shouts the devilish Isaiah Haden in a sinister meter as he spurs the other prisoners to a murderous jailbreak. I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, 100 percent.
Whoa. Here comes the evil assault on the convent fortress where they're holding the comatose little girl. And when the bad guys take out the dweeby, skinny assistant who showed up to sit by her, they aim for the stomach. Jeez, you've got a machine gun and could make it quick, and instead you gut-shoot the kid? Oh, right... forgot. Evil.
Now Doc Massey and Sister Jo struggle to grab their booty (the pirate kind, not the other kind, you freaks) from the ancient tomb before they're killed, and make it out just as the giant stone ball, rolling after them — wait... wrong story. But they make it out with a seamless, wooden box with a picture on it. Wonderful. You blew a historic tomb all to hell for some crummy old backgammon set. Or not. They solve the puzzle on top, open the box and dig out the ceremonial dagger and a book... that's blank? A-ha! Lemon juice, I'm betting. No, braille. Then another puzzle — a riddle this time. (For crying out loud! Why does do-gooding have to be so fricking hard? Doesn't anyone here want our side to win the apocalypse?)
"It's the fear, not the fire, that burns to the bone," evil Fred tells Hawk in the end, channeling his own bit o' Seuss as he tries to get him to walk through a campfire instead of around it. Well, color me skeptical, Limpy, but don't you think the lad would be a little scared after you punched him, killed his bodyguard, beat a cop to death with a jack handle in front of him, shoved him into a freezing-cold quarry and, to top it all off, made him snap a cute little bunny's neck? Satan worshippers — you just can't do enough for them! — Michael Peck
Brittany got sent home before Keenyah on Top Model? It seemed the younger Janice Dickinson (or what we think Janice used to look like) was in it until the final two at least. Well, Keenyah may have been saved for another week, but she didn't make any friends in the house by making snide comments about Naima's race and embarrassing Kahlen with a fight in public. That won't get her the boot, but if she keeps packing on the pounds with those fries, she might want to start packing her bags... Stacked has its moments, with its prevalent double entendres, like Christopher Lloyd's references to Tang and Pam Anderson's willingness to poke fun at her rack. Still something is missing or miscast, like at least one of the brothers. They shouldn't close the book on this one quite yet, but maybe a nice ghost writer could spiff up a few of the chapters.
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