Exchange of the evening (courtesy of WE's Single in Vegas):

Mercenary bar dancer Kyshawn: "I like your booty."

Sleeveless-T Mike: "What's up?"

MBD Kyshawn: "I said I like your booty."

S-T Mike: "Well, it is nice."

Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show
Man, this thing's ruff going. Don't try taping it without a paws button. (Sorry for that biting commentary.) Anyway, yeah, these pooches are beautiful, smart and extremely valuable. But I'll bet not one of them can duplicate my late dog's drag-her-butt-across-the-carpet trick, which she invented all on her own.

7th Heaven
Ruthie and Peter wait until the day before their project's due to start their research, so they have to invent all sorts of details on Presidents Washington and Lincoln for their newspaper ("Delaware Sailors Complain: Washington Drank All Our Rum"). Now, that's the kind of work ethic that had me graduating in the bottom third of my high school class. Disgraceful... but I'm thinking they still would've asked tougher follow-up questions than Tim Russert.

Red Cap
You mean you can combine a military-investigation show and a police procedural without ham-fisted jingoism or whooshing first-person journeys through wounds and corpses? Sure can. Not only that, but these characters actually jump into bed rather than merely flirting and retreating because they'd rather solve crimes. (And for some reason I get a kick out of one of the military guys being named Bruce Hornsby. That's just the way it is.)

Everybody Loves Raymond
How do I know Ray's gonna get the worst of the "AIS" agreement? He violates the "every single time" argument rule. Read the books, Ray. Never tell your spouse she always does anything or it's gonna get real ugly real fast. Never mind that it either forces them to do what you're accusing them of, simply out of spite, or makes you pay way too high a price for them not to. I'll admit I didn't think he'd manage to take all the Barone men down with him, however. Now, you may ask, why don't those men ever stand up for themselves against their women? Because it's already bad enough when they don't, that's why.

Ah, Everwood — a heartfelt family drama in the grand tradition of The Waltons. Only it's not The Depression, they have electricity, and they're having sex. Or thinking about having it, anyway — thinking a lot. Plus nobody on Walton's Mountain ever said, "Don't give me crap and call it ice cream" the way Edna did. But why does Tommy deal drugs with the door open? And everyone in Everwood gets hit with a case of the randys at the same time? What's in the water supply? And the whole episode has me feeling vaguely uncomfortable, which is the point, really.

Las Vegas
I'll give the Las Vegas people this: Not only do they kill off guest star Jean-Claude Van Damme — who's playing himself, mind you — only 15 minutes into the episode, but they toss him off a building for good measure. Say, you think Donald Trump could be talked into appearing sometime?

Royal Caribbean Ad
Is it that the Royal Caribbean executives never listened to all of Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" — y'know, the parts about the liquor and drugs, sleeping on the sidewalk and Johnny Yen doing a striptease — or is it just that they think you didn't?

Hell is other people, according to Sartre. Close. It's other passengers. Blame the airlines and their less-responsive employees all you want — heck, I have, and for the most part the big airlines deserve their lousy reputations — but watching poor David knock himself out to find the suitcase of the angry woman who hasn't spotted it going round and round on the carousel right behind her proves my point. When the other employee brings the bag to the woman and she still denies it's hers until she's shown the tag, it's inexcusable. David can't speak his mind and keep his job, so I'll happily do it for him: Lady, you're an idiot. Meanwhile, I can't say one bad thing about Erik and his minor mishap while pushing back a $40 million passenger jet from the dreaded gate 3A. After all, I'm the guy who can't leave a perfectly adequate parallel-parking job alone until it's perfect, which is why my rear-right wheel cover is a finely ground mess. And I only drive a 4-year-old Corolla.

Average Joe Hawaii
Anyone think this show isn't worth diving off a cliff for? Well, that's not entirely true. Maybe if it meant I didn't have to stay. I'd do it without water at the bottom for that.