Were you psyched for a special three-hour Labor Day Bachelor in Paradise? I was going to say thank you to the hardworking editors who labored so hard to cut and shape this episode, but then I remembered they didn't. It was three hours long. They needed an extra hour of Annaliese crying, apparently.
It picked up were we left off last week, with Angela crying about her Paradise partner Eric betraying her by going on a date with Cassandra. Everyone thought Eric and Angela were exclusive — especially Angela — and I'm surprised Eric survived all the way to the end of the episode. I thought Angela's friends were going to kill him. And Cassandra would barely kiss Eric back. It went fine, but not well enough that it was worth blowing up his relationship with Angela.
Back at the beach, Colton admitted to Kevin that he wasn't feeling Tia. It was actually kinda sad. He started crying and said that all his life he just wanted to make people happy. Tia wanted him so badly and was so relentless in her pursuit that he let himself get into a relationship with her just so that he wouldn't disappoint her. It was easier for him to give her what she wanted. But that backfired, because he felt so unhappy in the relationship that he had to get out, which obviously is going to hurt Tia even worse than if he had left four episodes ago.
Colton pulled Tia aside and said that he was trying so hard to make their relationship work, but the feelings weren't there. He gave it his all, but he didn't have it in him anymore. Tia broke down sobbing. Were they tears of acceptance? Is Tia really willing to let this go? We'll see in January, he said not-so-cryptically. Their breakup didn't land emotionally for me because I was so over this relationship from the start. Tia and Colton aren't fun to watch and this season's focus on them has been a drag. Colton feels forced upon us. And that's only going to get worse.
Seriously. Tia is still salty. And being so salty is making her very thirsty.
@Colt3FIVE I hope your grey sleeveless hoodie falls into the nearest fire— Tia Booth (@tiarachel91) September 4, 2018
Venmo John finding out that Colton and Tia broke up when he interrupted Jordan's interview for a hug was cute, though.
I WANNA BE LIKE VENMO JOHN WHO LITERALLY SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE COLTON AND TIA BREAKUP. #bachelorinparadise— Sam Levine (@Slev___) September 4, 2018
Eric dug his grave deeper when he and Cassandra got back from their date and Eric didn't even acknowledge Angela. Eventually he pulled her aside to see where she was at. She told him he hurt her feelings when he told her that he wasn't going to see other people and then changed his tune the very next day. When he said again that he woke up and felt different, she told him that she doesn't understand how "eight hours of sleep led to all these questions." Then Eric started trying to turn it around on her like she wasn't all in and wasn't that into him. He broke up with her. But then Angela pulled Cassandra aside and told her that Eric told her she was his "girl,"she was his "lady," he was "all in." And Cassandra said that his dishonesty was a red flag. Eric, what happened, man? You were supposed to be one of the good guys! This was Eric's third go-round on a Bachelor show. The longer you stick around, the more your flaws come out. And Eric's flaw seems to be that he will say anything to try to get laid.
Cassandra went and talked to Eric about what Angela told her. "I would not want a guy to do what you did," Cassandra told him. She said their relationship is "tarnished" now. Cassandra had been out of the Bachelor game since 2014, but she's back now, baby! She handled it really well. I like Cassandra. I hope she either gets a full Paradise run next season or meets someone normal in real life and never goes on TV again.
Then two more girls appeared! Shushanna, the Russian girl from Ben Higgins' season, showed up and literally said she wasn't there to make friends. And then Christen, aka "Scallop Fingers," showed up looking very different than she did last year. She did The Proposal a couple months ago, which she called "the cringiest thing" she's ever done. She's a glutton for punishment, I suppose.
Kamil, who Annaliese is goo-goo over, told Shushanna that he and Annaliese were in the "friendship zone," which is probably news to her. Moments later, he told Annaliese that he still likes her and they kissed a whole bunch. Kamil doesn't seem like a good person! He asked her to not freak out while he was away, so of course she freaked out. Christen asked out Venmo John, who had recently gone out with Olivia. The four of them went on a double date.
Back at the resort, Annaliese was pacing up and down the beach and crying. She said she would get engaged to Kamil right now, a douchebag whom she's known for maybe three days. Poor Annaliese. She's not emotionally equipped for these shows.
I'm afraid Annalisse is going to have a nervous breakdown on national TV 😳🙁#BachelorInParadise— Rebecca (@rebeccabtackett) September 4, 2018
And then our Bachelor in Paradise king and queen Jared and Ashley I. showed up, which rankled her ex-fiancé Kevin. They were ostensibly there to give out a date card, but as they walked down the beach away from the rest of the gang, Chris Harrison revealed the real reason: Jared was going to propose. Which we knew about months ago, but it was still cute to finally see it.
Kevin wondered if he was "a pawn in her scheme" to get Jared back. In Astrid and Kevin's estimation, Ashley cheated on him. Kevin and Astrid are this season of Paradise's best couple, and it was kind of bummer that they got subjected to this. Kevin opened up to Jordan about how unsettling watching his ex get engaged was because Jordan is everyone's best friend now. At least Kevin got to take Astrid on a date. And then on their date they told each other they were in love. Awww.
Kamil got back and didn't come find Annaliese. She had to find him. But then he told her that he wasn't that into Shushanna. And Annaliese invited him to the Fantasy Suite.
There were 11 girls and only seven guys, so four girls were getting eliminated at the rose ceremony, which made the cocktail party a very desperate occasion. Cassandra gave Eric another shot. Venmo John, a player and a pimp, was walking around making out with everybody. And then Jordan from New Zealand who was on Bachelor Winter Games showed up with a rose, and he wasn't there to "f--- spiders," which is a Kiwi expression, I guess? Chelsea, who's low-key as desperate as Annaliese, made an out-of-nowhere play for Kamil, who was open to it because apparently he and Annaliese are "just friends." WOOOOWWW.
Annaliese: "if he got down on one knee right now I think I would say yes".. Kamil: "we are just friends" 😂 I hate myself sometimes for how much I love this stupid ass show #BachelorInParadise— Emily Breuer (@EmilyBreuer2) September 4, 2018
Annaliese and Chelsea were friends! Very snakey move, Chelsea. But Annaliese believed in her and Kamil and held it together. She didn't even cry! And then Chelsea came over and told Annaliese that Kamil said he wishes he could get to know other women besides Annaliese. Chelsea wylin.
At the rose ceremony, wild card dudes did fairly predictable stuff. Eric gave his rose to Cassandra, thereby eliminating Angela. NZ Jordan gave his rose to Shushanna. Venmo John gave his to Olivia. Kamil gave his to Annaliese. Angela, Chelsea and Scallop Fingers got sent home. But Scallop Fingers wasn't going home without making herself the center of attention. She said she almost passed out and had medical staff attend to her. And then Chelsea had an honest to god panic attack in her final confessional interview. Jesus Christ. Paradise is getting to people.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.