This episode makes me ask myself one question: How nice would the guesthouse have to be for me to willingly move onto a crazy rich old man's property? Hmmm.
Have we ever discussed the fact that this show is called Eve — the real name of its rap star — but the star's character's name is Shelley? I'm just saying.
Why is Eve, I mean, Shelley, forcing J.T.'s hand? "Does our relationship have a future?" she asked. "Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with me?" Now you know that's a dangerous question. Even if he does see himself having a future with you (which he does), he doesn't want to think of it in those terms. Girl, have you lost your mind?
The Swan: The Pageant
OK. The "world's most unique pageant" was also the world's worst pageant ever in the history of bathing-suit competitions everywhere. I mean, damn: Just because something is a self-esteem-building experience of a lifetime for the women involved, does not mean it's good television. Or even tolerable television. The only winner here was Nely Galán the show's creator and life coach (and Paul Rodriguez's baby's mama, but I digress). As for the rest of us... we were pimped. Seriously. I'm mad at myself for watching. It took 49 minutes to introduce nine nip-and-tucked contestants. (The Miss USA pageant gets 52 women out there in, like 10 to 15.) No wonder the doctors were clapping like starving seals when they got to the bathing-suit competition. They probably thought it was almost over. But they were wrong. At least they got paid to sit through the lingerie section and the Q&As. At least the contestants got free plastic surgery, clothes and a diamond necklace out of it. (And please, notice how host Amanda Byram didn't say how many karats those "gorgeous diamond necklaces" were. Uh-huh. I hear the little birdie going, "Cheap-cheap!") But what did I get? Nothing!!! I lost two hours of my life waiting to see Rachel L.'s fat-enhanced lips quiver as she donned the "first-ever" Swan crown. (Beth L. and Cindy I. were the first and second runners up.) Fox owes me — big time.
Everybody Loves Raymond
Oh, the guilt! All the Jewish mothers in New York combined ain't got nothing on Mrs. Barone. The way that woman manipulated Ray and Robert into not only building laundry-room shelves for her but also into fighting over who would get custody of her — the mother who works their last nerves! — was brilliant. That scene where they were arguing in the car and they went from "You have to take her!" to "I love her more!" to "I want to take her!" had me rolling. I laughed so hard I think I earned Weight Watchers activity points. Seriously. The writers of this episode have got skills and they need to teach classes at, like, ABC and FOX or something, because this season finale almost erases the pain that was The Swan. That's "almost," because even Raymond doesn't have a special memory elixir.
Raymond was the funniest. But this was my sentimental favorite finale of the season. I even forgive the writers for literally going all Sex and the City, taking the show to New York and dressing the women like Sarah Jessica Parker clones. I mean, Toni's don't-leave-me/I'm-pregnant breakdowns; Maya's dealings with her book editor (you know that's going to get ugly next season); Lamont Sanford (Demond Wilson) as Lynn's long-lost daddy; and Joan and William not hooking up... Oh, I felt it all! And I want to watch it again. But wait, I can't. Because I watched this show in real time and taped that stupid Swan finale. What was I thinking?
Yeah, so, uh, what can I say? Watched it. Liked it. See you next season. Wait. There is one thing: I do kinda wish they hadn't wrapped up the whole lab-contamination storyline so quickly. I mean, if the writers wanted to be kind to a girl, they could've let Eric Delko get fired or suspended or something. That way I could've gotten a few episodes of a shirtless, brooding, unfairly prosecuted Adam Rodriguez out of the deal. But, whatever.
Road Rules/Real World Challenge: The Inferno
Et tu MTV? This finale sucked full-on big chunks. Road Rules kicked Real World butt. Katie and Veronica didn't fight. And we're done. It was all so anticlimactic it wasn't even funny.
Late Show with David Letterman
He got the entire Sopranos cast — or, to be more accurate, all the important players — to show up and do The Top 10 Things Never Before Said on The Sopranos. I love Dave Letterman.