Welcome to our live Oscar night...

Welcome to our live Oscar night Watercooler. Damian Holbrook will be sharing his thoughts on all of the pre-Oscar festivities and Michael Ausiello will be offering up his minute-by-minute opinions on the Academy Awards. Check back often for updates.2:53 pm/ET Yogalates with Radu? Check.4:30 Microdermabrasion? Check.5:00 Brazilian with Anastasia? Check. And ouch.5:30 Final fitting for backless strappy Galliano? Ohhh yeah.5:55 Million-dollar diamond encrusted mic? Che...oh, wait. That's the other TV Guiders handling the red carpet. Oh well. I have Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua and my trusty roomie, so bring it, Hollywood.Joan & Melissa at the Academy Awards5:58 Who the hell is this Pedro dude chatting up Melissa Rivers? Go away. It's time for the pretaped bit between the Rovers... Sorry, Rivers, about their iced-out microphones. Ahhh... let the mistakes begin!6:00 "Instead of sunblock I'm wearing K-Y jelly!" Oh, Joan.6:02 Either the Percocets for my slipped disc just kicked in, or Mama R. just made a peeing-on-the-red-carpet joke. Please let it be the drugs.6:03 Joan names Imelda Staunton as her pick for best actress. God willing, she'll be able to name the poor woman at all once she shows up.6:05 Michael Jackson joke No. 1... Million Dollar Baby. You knew that was coming.6:06 Now, how come Melissa's coming to us from a balcony over the carpet? And where the hell are the celebrities? Maybe Star Jones-Annoying is having better luck over at E! Let's see...Live from the Red Carpet6:07 Commercial. Ugh. Back to...Joan & Melissa at the Academy Awards 6:10 Oh great. Folks can call in for a chance to win a TV Guide glider pen, and here I am, ineligible. And slightly mortified.Live from the Red Carpet6:12 Wow, check out Star... sucking.6:14 Hey, Kathy Griffin is stuck up on some lookout perch over the carpet, too. What is this place, like the sidekick bar in The Tick?6:15 Kathy declares that skorts are back. I declare that Kathy's face is looking tighter than Beyonce's faboo strapless hotness. We all win!Joan & Melissa at the Academy Awards6:17 Melissa's got awards-show savant Tom O'Neil. Finally, someone worth listening to!Live from the Red Carpet6:20 So, Beyonce is performing three of the best song nominees? Aiiight. I can dig. What's giving me the vapors is Star trotting out that bogus sistahgirl shtick. "Give Jay my love, baby." Name-dropper. 6:21 Um, is that a diamond-packed mic in Jones' hands, too? You gotta be kidding me. What, are they handing them out at the Kodak Theatre with purchase of a pretzel bites-and-popcorn combo pack?Joan & Melissa at the Academy Awards6:26 Nice. Joan says Beyonce looks great, the cameraman gives Melissa a shot of Helen Mirren... who looks great, but come on. That is not a confusing pair, OK?6:32 Laura Linney, call me.6:33 Is it me, or is that Nancy O'Dell back there, over Joan's shoulder? And how long has she been 8 feet tall? More importantly, I think someone needs to call Austin Scarlett and find out why she's not wearing one of his Project Runway rags.Live from the Red Carpet6:35 So that's Taylor Hackford. Huh. The Dan Haggerty look works for him. Star just claimed that she saw Ray six times. That's a shame she didn't understand it the first time.6:36 HUGE props to E! for using Jill Scott's "Livin' My Life" to lead in to the commercials. Does my Philly heart proud. Joan & Melissa Live on the Red Carpet6:39 OK, I gotta set something straight. Melissa just announced that "we love Carlos Santana." Maybe she does, but he and I are just friends. Honestly. See, this is how rumors get started.Live from the Red Carpet6:42 Now, I do love Emmy Rossum. Only an 18-year-old could work that prom-y maroon Ralph Lauren.6:44 Hotel Rwanda's best supporting actress nominee Sophie Okonedo is so sweet. She must be new.6:49 That Anna Nicole TrimSpa commercial scares my unborn children. Joan & Melissa Live on the Red Carpet6:50 Helen Mirr-onnnn? Come on, Jo. Pull it together. And Helen, the Badgley-Mishka? Perfection.6:51 Joan just asked Hackford if he gets a cut of Ray's box-office. That's sexy.6:52 Tom O'Neil and Melissa are debating his bet that Hilary Swank is taking the gold. He needs to be wrong, or I'm shooting my TV.6:53 Attention. Sideshow Bob has officially joined the Counting Crows.Live from the Red Carpet6:55 Seriously, can we get Kathy Griffin closer to the stars? Pointing out Sean Penn from 50 feet up isn't exactly glamorous. Sean Comb's date, Kim Porter, is though. Mmm-mmm-mmm! Wait, is Puff wearing a velvet tux? How... Love Boat.6:58 Best supporting actress hopeful Laura Linney just told Star that she gained all her weight for Kinsey by eating Krispy Kremes. Former fatties across the country shake their fists in anger, while simultaneously choking on their own saliva. Barbara Walters7:03 All right, I'll fight anyone to the death who doesn't love Will Ferrell, but I just need to say, the manic stuff? A little too close to Robin Williams territory. And we all know how bad that can get if it goes unchecked.Joan & Melissa Live on the Red Carpet7:05 Well, whoever that Pedro dude is, it turns out he's still here. And yes, Emmy Rossum does deserve a 9-plus.7:07 Joan just told Brad Bird and the other geniuses behind The Incredibles that she has watched that "stupid" movie 90 times with her grandson, Cooper. We have now reached the point in our evening where somebody's gonna get hurt.7:08 Call the fire marshal! Melanie Griffith's face is melting!Barbara Walters7:14 "Will, if you had supernatural powers, what would you do with them?"7:14.30 "I'd like to be able to throw up on command."7:15 Note to self: Send Will Ferrell a current photo of Melanie Griffith.Joan & Melissa Live from the Red Carpet7:18 Uh-oh, Joan's snagged The Aviator's best actor nominee Leonardo DiCaprio.7:21 We're OK. Don't worry, kids. Leo made it out alive. No thanks to that surly handler trying to get him away. Good job, Kato.7:23 "Documentators"? It's bad enough nobody goes to see their movies, now Joan's mangling their job titles? Awww.7:25 Hey, Hilary Swank. Matt Damon called. He wants his horsy man-jaw back. Seriously, if she wins, I'm gonna end up in a headline, ya hear. Barbara Walters7:27 Again, LOVING Teri Hatcher, but this "I'm just a washed-up has-been" bit is a tad tired. Especially since real has-beens don't have such big... fans. Or admit their sexual dry spells have finally ended on national TV.7:27.30 I'll take "Things You Never Want to Hear a 200-Year-Old Woman Ask Anyone on Oscar Night" for $1000: "So you don't need a plumber to clean your pipes?" 7:28 Why is Teri crying already?7:28.21 Oh my God, why am I crying already?Live from the Red Carpet7:30 Salma Hayek in Prada. Because we deserve it.7:33 "Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. The Academy Awards will begin in 45 minutes." No, please. Stay here. Kathy Griffin's celebrity cell phone jokes are about to go from wince-inducing to triggering full-body rashes. And you don't want to miss that.7:34 Star has The Aviator's best supporting actor nominee Alan Alda, and all I can think is how much he reminds me of my dad. Yeah, I know. My dad is cool.Live from the Red Carpet7:48 Is it wrong that I want to be BFFs with Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal?7:49 Star Jones-Whoever, stop it with the sucking up. You are not going to call Samuel L. Jackson later, because he is cool and you are Star Jones-Whoever, OK? 7:50 Oprah, wearing what appears to be the inside of a coffin, just told Star that she "looks so gorg." I'm hoping that means gorgeous, because, as cloying as she is, that would be really mean.7:52 Is Annette Bening is wearing Jodie Foster's wig from The Accused?Barbara Walters7:53 Show of hands: Who's over Jamie Foxx's Ray Charles impersonation? Honestly, he was awesome in the movie, but now he's just one crowded bar short of a karaoke number.7:55 I am such a sap. You can just mention Jamie's grandmother and I'm weeping like that little kid in Terms of Endearment. Almost makes me wanna take back that last... nah. He needs to stop the singing. But mark my words, if he wins, there better be a mention of Grams in his speech. Puttin' up with his silly self all those years, you know she earned it. Joan & Melissa Live on the Red Carpet7:57 Seriously, this Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal thing. Who can hook me up?7:59 All right, kids. Time for me to pass the diamond-encrusted baton over to my brilliant colleague, Michael Ausiello, who will be covering the awards themselves. So be gentle. Because, as Jamie Foxx just told Star Jones, "the after-party will not be televised." And neither of us were invited anyway. Over to you, Michael!8:14 First off, let's have another round of applause for Damian Holbrook for his outstanding job covering the preshow! 8:15 OK, stop clapping for him now. Start clapping for me.8:16 Thank you for that, really. Thank you.8:17 OK, you can sit down now. 8:18 While we're waiting for the main event to start, let me tell you that I'm wearing a long-sleeve white T-shirt from Gap and a pair of Cowboy Cut Silver Edition Original Fit jeans on loan from Wrangler.8:20 Oh, look! It's George Bush's nephew! 8:21 The Snapple just arrived.8:26 Four minutes to go! 8:27 Do I have time to pee?8:28 I'll hold it.The Oscars8:30 I'm bored already.8:31 Oooooooh... clips! 8:34 Six people are giving Chris Rock a standing ovation.8:35 Now it's 10....8:35.30 ... We're up to 20....8:35.45 ... Oprah's up!8:37 Is Kate Winslet having a seizure?8:39 The Bush-bashing has begun. Chris Rock knows his audience.8:42 Mad props to Halle for accepting her Razzie in person Saturday.8:44 Am I watching Project Runway?8:46 The Aviator won best art direction. The lady in yellow just gave her trophy to some girl named Me-leeee-sa.8:47 Renee Zellweger has toilet paper stuck to the back of her mermaid dress.8:48 Best supporting actor goes to... the guy from the Electric Company!8:50 If there's a classier actor in Hollywood than the guy from The Electric Company, I've never met him.8:55 Halle Berry got a better seat than Oprah. Heads are gonna roll.8:56 Someone forgot to tell Robin Williams he's not the host.9:00 Look at all those empty seats behind Cate Blanchett! I thought this thing was sold out!?!9:01 How unfortunate for the winning makeup artists from Lemony Snicket. They have to accept their awards from the lower mezzanine. 9:02 It's Beyonce and Kathie Lee's Sweatshop Crew performing a song from, um, er... 9:05 Daniel Coleridge just e-mailed me from the press room to say he's seated right next to Ebert and Roeper. Sorry to take the wind out of your sails Party Boy, but I've got Keri Russell's digits.9:06 My 2005 Oscar party just lost a guest. We're 30 minutes in, and we're already down to three. Even worse, he didn't contribute to the pizza fund.9:11 Rock's roving reporter segment was hysterical. One thought: Why can't Martin Lawrence say "ass" but Chris Rock can? Discuss amongst yourselves.9:17 Presenter Pierce Brosnan is getting upstaged by a cartoon. 9:21 And the Oscar for best supporting actress goes to... Cate Blanchett. It's an Aviator sweep!9:22 I think I'm gonna get television sets installed in my ceiling. 9:28 They couldn't get any other Oscar hosts besides Whoopi to talk about Johnny Carson? What gives, people? 9:30 Morgan Spurlock didn't win best documentary for Super Size Me! How many Big Macs does this guy have to eat and then throw up to get a freakin' Oscar?9:33 Another win for The Aviator. I better start coming up with some airplane puns. 9:35 "Welcome the lovable Mike Myers," says the announcer, giving me an idea: From now on, I wanna be introduced as "the lovable Mike Ausiello." 9:36 One of my two remaining guests just groaned, "Kill me now."9:37 Another just volunteered to do the job.9:39 Would it be tacky to plug this week's Ask Ausiello now?9:43 Chris Rock is standing in for MIA presenter Catherine Zeta-Jones. T-Mobile reportedly called Cat in to help track down Paris' Sidekick hacker.9:50 It's honorary Oscar time. Around the country, millions of toilets are about to be flushed. 9:52 My colleague Angel Cohn thinks it would be tacky to plug Ask Ausiello now.9:53 Coming up in tomorrow's Entertainment News column... highlights from Saturday's Independent Spirit Awards, the latest on Michael Jackson's trial and the long-awaited shameless plug for this week's Ask Ausiello.9:58 Is that Sidney Lumet's wife or daughter sitting in the mezzanine with the 86-gallon jugs? Whoever she is, she deserves the best supported award. 10:04 We're back from commercial and... the stage hands are racing off the stage! (Somewhere, Gil Cates is foaming at the mouth.)10:05 The Phantom of the Opera chandelier fell from the ceiling and right around Beyonce's neck!10:07 When did David Gest learn how to play piano?10:09 A gunshot is heard during Jeremy Irons' speech. The Phantom strikes again!10:10 Why is The Price Is Right theme playing for the live action short winner? The answer is.... because she had to come on down to accept her award in the middle of the audience.10:12 "As long as we are talking about motion pictures," begins Kate Winslet, presenting the best cinematography award. The room erupts in laughter. Not in the auditorium, at my party. What the f--- else would we be talking about?!?!?!?!10:16 To quote Cheri Oteri, "I'm sweating like a prostitute in church." Time for a wardrobe change. Out go the Wranglers, in come the hot pants.10:19 One of my two remaining party guests is reading New York magazine's current cover story, "The Coming Subway Crisis and How to Avoid It." I think someone wants to go home.10:20 It's official: Co-presenters Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are NOT the same person.10:23 The sound mixing winners rush to the dais to grab Penelope and Salma's golden girls. And they grab their trophies, too.10:25 Penelope, er, Salma, is STILL on stage. And she's very proud of her bangs.10:28 Antonio Banderas requires a stone wall be present at all his musical performances just in case the audience starts to throw stuff at him. That way, he can run for cover.10:35 I am now the only person at my Oscar party actually watching the Oscars.10:36 Natalie Portman introduces the best documentary short subject nominees. But more importantly, she applauds them. Clearly, she took her role as a Star Wars princess to heart.10:42 Martin Scorsese is walking out on stage... without an envelope! This can't be good.10:43 And you thought MY eyebrows were outta control.10:44 If the Academy has learned anything over the years, it's that film preservation clips equal ratings.10:47 Annette Bening is walking out on stage... without an envelope! This can't be good.10:48 It's the dead people segment!!!!10:49 King Kong died?10:49 Oh, it's Fay Wray.10:50 Oh, poor Clayton Farlow.10:51 My party guests are telling me I should have mentioned more dead people than King Kong and Clayton Farlow. My reply: "You can do this next year."10:54 My neighbor is closing her blinds. Was it my short-shorts?10:55 Sean Combs is walking out on stage without an envelope! This can't be good.10:56 My neighbor is opening her blinds. Was it my short-shorts?10:57 We now interrupt the Oscars to bring you "The Beyonce Variety Hour," already in progress. 10:58 As if to prove what a force of nature she is, it has started to snow on Beyonce.10:59 Standing so close to Beyonce is putting Josh Groban through puberty at an accelerated speed.10:59.30 Beyonce pats her chest to illustrate the word "inside." It's the subtle touches that separate the singers from the stars.11:00 Salma Hayek is back! Oh wait, that's Prince.11:01 I can't be sure, but I THINK Sean Penn just ripped Chris Rock a new one.11:04 Hilary Swank wins! Annette Bening's back on suicide watch.11:06 Hilary remembers to thank Chad. Watch, this year, she'll forget to thank her publicist.11:08 Hold it together, Chad! Hold it together!11:09 This speech is going on longer than her stint on 90210.11:10 Phew. She remembered her "best friend and publicist," Troy Nankin. 11:13 Chris Rock's comeback to Sean Penn: "My accountants would like a word with you." Is that the best you could do, man?11:14 They got Gwyneth Paltrow to present best foreign film because she's the only one who could pronounce the names.11:15 The audience cam cuts to Prince, er, Salma, er, Penelope. Oh, I give up.11:18 Charlie Kaufmann, et al, win best original screenplay for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I thought Chuck was fat and old. Not that there's anything wrong with that. 11:25 And the Oscar for best actor goes to... Wanda from In Living Color!!!!!!!11:27 How sweet. Jamie reveals that his daughter said, "Daddy, if you don't win tonight, you're still good." Her reply: "Daddy's acting again."11:30 My last two guests are leaving. I knew this day would come. And that day is Tuesday.11:31 Julia Roberts walks on stage and wishes a Happy Birthday to someone named Marva. Did she have triplets?11:32 And the Oscar for best director goes to... not Martin Scorsese.11:35 What the Fock! It's Babs presenting best picture!11:37 And the Oscar goes to...11:38 ... Million Dollar Baby!11:39 Crap, now I need some boxing puns.11:40 Million Dollar Baby KO's The Aviator!11:41 Chris Rock closes out the show with a shout-out to Brooklyn. News flash, Chris: Brooklyn fell asleep after best supporting actor.11:42 Good night, everyone! Thanks for Oscar blogging with me! And don't forget to check out the latest Ask Ausiello on Wednesday!