Weirdest Quote of the Night "I'd...

Weirdest Quote of the Night "I'd rather walk through Hell in a gasoline bra-and-panty set, sitting on Arnold Schwarzenegger's head and breast feeding Gary Coleman." &#151Mavis refusing to hang out with her brother's girlfriend on Whoopi.

A Home for the Holidays
This CBS special's all about celebrating the joys of adoption. Hey, who can't get behind that worthy cause? The audience full of sweet li'l adopted kids and their 'rents sure loves the musical acts. I must confess, Mary J. Blige's song "Special Part of Me" sent chills through even this cynical young Grinch. "No one ever made me feel pretty before. No one ever made me feel wanted. Turn this little girl into a woooooman!"

I'm confused about Gwen Stefani, though. Her rendition of "It's My Life" didn't exactly scream Yuletide cheer, ya know? What's this chick doing dressed as Madonna circa 1984, crooning a tune that Talk Talk did way better the first time around? I like Gwen and there's no denying her talent. But girlfriend's New Year's resolution should be to get her own identity — and some fresh material.

Less Than Perfect
It's a rerun — like nearly everything tonight — but this episode's new to me. Wow! At Claude's office Christmas party, Sara Rue displays her cleavage, calling attention to her ample "chesticles." Oh no, she didn't just say that. Who would've imagined this Mary Tyler Moore disciple putting the ho ho ho in the holidays? Anyway, I love Sherri Shepard as Ramona. This survivor of Suddenly Susan and Emeril always stands out and makes me laugh, no matter what yawn-worthy sitcom she's on.

Rich Girls
We've all seen the bumper sticker that asks: "Why wasn't I born rich instead of beautiful?" I used to feel that way myself, until I saw these two ig'nunt hags, Ally and Jaime. (No, that's not a misspelling. Ig'nunt is merely Southern for shamefully ignorant.) After careful consideration, I think I'd rather just be a hottie on a budget than mix with these wealthy whiners. Yuck! If I wanna see messed-up heiresses, I'd prefer to watch Paris and Nicole.

Celebrity Poker Showdown
I've never seen this show before, and I'm intrigued. Where else would you find an eclectic buncha B-listers like Shannon Elizabeth, Paul Rudd, Coolio, Ron Livingston and Sarah Silverman all hanging out in one place? (And the talent roster is B-list. Notice how they list each star's credits, just in case viewers at home need help to place them? Ha! I'm cracking up.) Bravo is the perfect TV niche for this sort of kitsch. The on-the-spot poker lessons are fun and educational. And like any good reality contest, there's drama. I'm relieved that Coolio picked up his cocktail and stalked off to the Loser's Lounge peacefully — 'cause the "Gangsta's Paradise" singer looked like he was about to bust a cap in Paul Rudd's ass!