This week's The Bachelorette was boring except for one chaotic element: Jordan. Jordan is nuts and I love him. Everything that comes out of his mouth is bazonkers."I don't have a silver spoon hanging out of my ass," he said. Very close to a real expression, but incorrect! No one is born with a silver spoon hanging out of their ass. That would not be a privilege.
For those just joining us, Jordan is a male model from Crystal River, FL, which is not a place where there seems to be a lot of modeling jobs. But he really is a Wilhelmina model, which is a prominent modeling agency, so what do I know. His signature modeling look is "pensive gentleman." He puts a lot of thought into how he dresses and a lot of thought into mangling idioms and not a lot of thought into anything else. Last week he went to the rose ceremony cocktail party in his underwear to demonstrate how fun and spontaneous he is. He's a very strange guy!
His nemesis on the show is David. David is the guy who showed up in a chicken suit. David is not trying to win. He's just here for the lulz. But the thing about being here for the lulz is that the show will make you look bad. David thinks he's a smart guy, and he's smarter than Jordan, but he's not smarter than the show. Their beef made the chicken look bad, too.
The drama tonight started when David started needling Jordan over Jordan's claims of having 4,000 Tinder matches in 2017, even though Jordan says he's not even on it every day. Obviously, bragging about how many Tinder matches you have is an extremely lame thing to do, and David and the guys started grilling him mercilessly. It got worse when he claimed he has a 100% match rate. As in everyone he likes likes him back. Which is preposterous, even for a guy as handsome as Jordan.
But David couldn't leave well enough alone, and went and snitched to Becca about Jordan bragging about having 4,000 Tinder matches. Bad move. Any time you use your time with the lead to talk bad about someone else, you've already lost. Plus David's croaky vocal fry when he was talking to her was disgusting to listen to.
Jordan was very mad about David snaking him, and he got even madder when Becca said "Hey Jordan, 4,000 matches?" and high-fived him. She was joking around, but Jordan (accurately) felt disrespected.
"Good for you, David. That's a bitch move," he said. "You're a bitch." I see no lie.
He kept going, saying, "You are a skeleton of a man, David," which I think he meant "a shell of a man?" He called David a bitch again, and David smirked. The other guys were over it. Both guys were embarrassing themselves and neither of them noticed it.
Jordan went to talk to Becca, and he defended himself really well and made her understand where he was coming from. Just kidding, he was insane. He couldn't laugh off her joke about his Tinder. He hugged her and she was visibly uncomfortable. "I know it's hard with me being a model," he said, as if Becca was intimidated by how handsome he is. She asked him what he's like in a relationship, and he said he's like a "golden retriever," loyal and dependable. Becca called off the rest of the season and gave Jordan the final rose right then and there. They got married on the spot. They have two sons already, Corbyn and Mewtwo.
Jordan went back to the rest of the group and he and David started going at it again. "What's the look that I'm getting from you right now?" David asked. "What's that one called?" That was pretty funny. He was comparing Jordan to Zoolander. "There it is, Magnum!"
Jordan then made some completely incomprehensible threat or entreaty to David to leave him alone. It was baffling. That's where we got that instant classic "Attached to me is professionality" line. Whatever it was, it set up the confrontation to come.
The next day, Jordan started picking at Colton about his history with Tia in front of the other guys, and when Colton didn't want to talk about it, Jordan complained that the other guys asked about his dating history in front of everyone, so how is that fair?
"But you brought it up," David said. Escalating tension. Something's gotta give.
Something did happen, but it had nothing to do with Jordan. Lincoln described seeing David slumped on the ground covered in blood. Paramedics took him out of the mansion on a stretcher. But they made us wait until after the commercial break to tell us what happened.
Chris Harrison went and told Becca that David was taken to the hospital last night. It was the most airtime Chris has gotten so far this season. David busted his nose and his face falling out of bed. Becca called him and he was fine. "I'm used to sleeping on a king-sized bed," he said. It was the typical Bachelor franchise thing where somebody gets hurt and they tease it like people got in a fight, and it never is. It's absurd.
Jordan did do something awesome, though. He attached a guard to Jordan's bed. (It's a bunk bed, which explains how he got so messed up when he fell. Kinda nuts that there wasn't a guard there already. Seems like a liability where this is exactly the kind of thing that can happen.) "I David-proofed the bed," Jordan said.
"Chickens can't fly and I think we all learned that last night," he added, which was again genuinely funny. "Karma is karma," he said, which is not an expression and he lost me again.
Jordan is incredibly entertaining and I'm going to miss him after he and David inevitably go on a 2-on-1 and he gets eliminated. But I can't wait until he's on Bachelor in Paradise and we can really spend a lot of time getting into his head. I want to know what he thinks about everything. Who did he vote for if he voted? What kind of music does he like? What are relationship dealbreakers for him? I want to spend a day hanging out with him. I will regret it.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.