We returned to Argentina for another episode of The Bachelorette. It was a busy week with three one-on-ones and a group date. Alex and James Taylor got eliminated, we learned more about Jordan's relationship with his famous brother and Robby got mad, red and nude. And drunk. Robby got drunk.
We also met Snowflake, a miniature horse who is the best candidate for The Bachelor of any of these clowns. Sorry, Luke, your West Point degree is nice and all, but can you do this?
7. James Taylor, stealth bully
James Taylor, Jr. (how funny would it be if his father was the real James Taylor?) may present himself as a cuddly good ol' boy, but he has some snakey tendencies. He knew he wasn't going to get the group date rose, so he tried to sabotage Robby's chance of getting it by repeatedly talking about how Robby was checking out hot girls when the boys were walking around Buenos Aires without JoJo, which made JoJo jealous. This was the second time James has done something underminey like this. Robby got mad, too. But Robby was also drunk. They all got blitzed on that date where they were just hanging out in the hotel. Perhaps not coincidentally, the low-key hangout sesh seemed way more fun than most of the elaborate, planned dates. It's easier to connect when there's less pressure to perform.
6. James Taylor shoving 25 french fries into his mouth
James is insecure about his body, since he doesn't have the superhero physique of the rest of the guys. But his lack of six-pack abs allows him to do at least one thing the other guys can't do: eat so many french fries. Jordan's not going to eat fried starch. It'll mess up his fussy lil meal plan. But James doesn't care. He'll stuff his mouth so full he almost gets sick. "Not the way I would have gone about opening up the day," says Robby. Robby meant that he wouldn't have embarrassed himself in a misguided attempt to impress JoJo, but he also inadvertently means that he doesn't eat french fries. And who is really living their best life?
5. Alex and JoJo's excruciating car ride to nowhere
The Bachelorette executed a skillful bit of filmmaking in this episode by making the audience feel like Alex and JoJo's ride to the gaucho ranch took as long to watch on TV as it actually took Alex and JoJo. It bent space and time like a Borges story. A Borges story that involved a man making duck lips with Pringles, trying to kiss a woman and getting rebuffed. JoJo broke a long moment of silence by going "UUUUGGGGGHHHH" and saying what we were all thinking.
4. Alex tells JoJo that he's falling in love with her and she's like "feeling's not mutual sorry bye!"
I almost felt bad for Alex, since his dismissal came on what had been to that point one of the best days of his life. He was finally on a one-on-one with JoJo and he got to snuggle a horse. Then he finally professed his love, and she said "I don't like you in that way." That's a rough moment for anyone and I sympathized. But then I remembered that Alex is a weird goon and I didn't feel as bad.
3. Alex won't look JoJo in the eye
I think Alex must have been so mad he was silent in the car to the airport, since he didn't get a taxicab confession. It seems like it should have been a meltdown, considering Alex's temper and high regard for himself. But he was so upset in his elimination that he barely spoke. He was giving JoJo monosyllabic answers and not making eye contact. He was never the most articulate contestant, but he outdid himself here.
2. Alex's gaucho outfit
Honestly, though, poor Alex. Our last image of him on this show will be dressed like a clown. He literally looked like a clown when they put him in the gaucho (Argentine cowboy) outfit to go horseback riding. I couldn't stop picturing him with his face painted white and a red nose. JoJo said "he actually looks really good," but she was just being polite. She also said "you are a cute little gaucho," and that was the moment I knew for certain Alex was toast.
1. Jordan's family secret
Jordan Rodgers' most desirable quality was his fraternal connection to Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, an A-list athlete. But during his one-on-one with JoJo, he dropped a bombshell: he barely has a relationship with his famous brother. They don't speak. In fact, Aaron might not even know that Jordan is on The Bachelorette. Aaron is distant from the whole Rodgers family, so when Jordan brings JoJo home next week, Aaron won't be there (I was looking really closely to see how disappointed JoJo was at this news, but she played it pretty cool). This disclosure brought some issues for me that I hope get resolved next week. Did Jordan really keep his strained relationship with his brother a secret until right now, the last possible moment? Jordan's story up until now was "Aaron Rodgers is my brother." He conveniently left off "but I don't speak to him." Thus, he's been reaping the social benefits of a connection to a hugely famous, wealthy and successful person without actually having a meaningful connection. He's dishonestly exploiting that connection for personal gain. On the other hand, the real benefits of having a star athlete brother may elude him. If Jordan doesn't speak to his brother, he may not get those Super Bowl box seats. And Jordan definitely must feel the pressure of constantly being compared to his more successful older brother. No matter how good Jordan was — and make no mistake, he was good enough to almost reach the pinnacle — he was never as good as his brother, who was literally the best. Jordan Rodgers got a lot more interesting this episode. And he aired out some stuff I'm sure the whole Rodgers family would rather he didn't, which is super awkward.
Next week is hometowns. To Texas, Colorado, Florida and California, four of the most Bacheloriffic states in the nation.