The Bachelor took a break from looking for Colton Underwood in the Portuguese countryside to do the annual Women Tell All episode. It was time for the eliminated women to come back and mug hard enough to hopefully get an invitation to Paradise. But before the show got to the women, it showed a montage of breakups, and reader, I must confess, I laughed at the people having panic attacks. I think the sight of Kelsey Poe lying on the floor pretending to have a panic attack is what did it. And before Chris Harrison cut to the first commercial break, he cut to Colton "backstage" nervously soaping up in the shower in a joking nod to Colton's innumerable shower scenes this season. Colton found a sense of humor in the Portuguese countryside!
When the show came back, there was a trip down memory lane featuring all the interpersonal conflict in the house. Man, there were a lot of beefs (beeves?) this season. I'm glad they reminded us, because I wouldn't have remembered all this. And bringing up Night One drama (Catherine interrupting) is truly weird and dumb. No one cares! On Monday night Colton jumped a fence because his heart was broken by his one true love! And then we got some more Onyeka vs. Nicole. They just screamed over each other, and then everyone else jumped in too. It wasn't fun to watch. It was incomprehensible. Just five people yammering all at once. At one point Demi got dragged into it and she just insulted everyone. Nina claimed her time by saying she was actually bullied, unlike Nicole. Losing strategy, Nina, especially as everyone is ganging up on Nicole. It seemed like other women genuinely didn't like Nicole for reasons we didn't see on the show, but still. Let her get some air before you jump back down her throat. Everyone just seemed mean and petty. It was bad TV.
Katie confirmed that her warning was about Caeylnn and Cassie, and the infamous overheard conversation about wanting to be the Bachelorette happened on the bus from the airport to the hotel in Singapore. The word "winning" was used in the context of getting engaged to Colton. Caelynn said that wasn't true, and Katie was lying and she knew it. Katie said Hannah B. was right about Caelynn being shady. And then it devolved into everyone talking at once again. Someone accused Caelynn of "sliding into Dean's DMs," which is a dangerous game to play. Ol' Deaniebabies is a player, baby. It was exhausting. Everyone said they were "shaking." Everyone's always "shaking" now. That's the meme word to describe "having an emotion." Anyway, Katie was obviously telling the truth, Caelynn's chance of being the Bachelorette is slipping away, and Hannah B. is ascendant (she stayed out of the drama).
Demi talked about the "Cougar Club" of women older than Colton (26) who didn't like her. Courtney and Demi still hate each other, and Courtney kept interrupting, which made Demi yell even louder, which made Courtney yell louder. So much yelling! They talked about Courtney's inability to talk to Colton. "It's 2019 and you still haven't talked to Colton," Demi said, which was a great line (remember, the show wrapped in November). Demi apologized for calling Courtney the cancer of the house, and said she was more like "bedbugs," in that she forgot she was there except for when she was annoying her. Then Courtney got up and tried to shove a pacifier into "child" Demi's mouth. Awful. What an obnoxious thing to do!
Then Demi got in the hot seat. We talked about Demi's feelings in her breakup with Colton. Whatever. Moments later she described herself as "promiscuous." That's the Demi we want! Chris alluded to her going on Paradise. Yeah!
Next up in the hot seat was Nicole. Nicole cried a lot. I guess the other girls didn't like her because she was overly emotional. For some reason Nicole got a year supply of low-calorie Halo Top ice cream, which is a nice gift. I love Halo Top! Everyone in the studio audience got a pint of ice cream. Then Nick Viall starred in a Halo Top ad about how love is bullsh--. I'm still a big fan of Nick Viall, dude.
Hannah B. was up next. She talked about why it didn't work out with Colton. She has a hard time opening up and she always felt a pressure to be perfect. She wants more out of life than to spit out babies. She wants somebody to love her fiercely. And then Chris Harrison gave her the opportunity to do a do-over toast after her disastrous first one-on-one. It was fine. All I remember really is "Roll Tide." Hannah B. still needs a little more polishing before she's ready, but she's almost there.
Hannah B just got the biggest bachelorette set up since Andi #TheBachelor— Kathy Bates (@GrapesOf_Kath) March 6, 2019
Then it was Caelynn's turn. She cried watching her journey played back. "Feeling not loved back sucks," Caelynn said. Colton would agree. She's not over Colton. "I'm, like, shaking," she said of the thought of seeing him. And then she got a much-deserved standing ovation for starting a conversation about sexual assault.
Finally, Colton got out of the shower and took the stage. His hair is a little shaggier and his teeth are a little whiter than he was when we last saw him (or maybe he's a little more tan). Demi was like, "Colton, do you want me to introduce you to Courtney?" Courtney didn't say anything. Courtney seems a little unwell? Colton told Caelynn he felt terrible about their breakup, and he probably can't give her closure. It is what it is. Hannah B. said she and Colton are cool. Colton admitted he could have done things better, and apologized for any pain he may have caused. Then Sydney asked him point blank if he was still a virgin. He deflected, and Chris asked if the ladies think he's whacked someone's weeds or whatever the weird thing Sydney said that he didn't understand was. Survey says: no.
Then Colton talked about the fence jump. He really was gone. He was all alone out there in the dark. Chris Harrison said, "He's here, so he did make it back," but that's all he'd say.
Then it was bloopers! Demi put a huge stack of salami in her mouth. SIDEWAYS. Extraordinary and gross. Colton apparently says "nailed it!" a lot. People overreacted when bugs flew by them, as they always do.
Honestly, it was a pretty bad Women Tell All. Too much unresolved anger. Not fun to watch. The WTA format is getting stale. The franchise should find a way to shake it up to keep it from becoming a grim and tedious shouting match.
The Bachelor Season 23 finale will air over two nights, Monday, March 11 and Tuesday, March 12, at 8/7c on ABC. Episodes are available to stream on Hulu.