SUNDAY Desperate Housewives How...

SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives
How much do we love, love, love Felicia Tilman (Harriet Sansom Harris)? Her long-awaited showdown with Paul "the murderer" Young was the highlight of the night. "I am not my sister, Paul — you do not want to screw with me." No, you certainly don't. And with that, she sweetly yet firmly told him exactly how it was going to be. She would take care of Zach, and he would get the hell out of town. Knowing his fate was sealed, Paul asked to see his tranquilized "son" one last time. Uh-uh. "Did you allow me to say goodbye to Martha?" asked Felicia, with venom in her voice (and a knife hidden out of sight). Yeah, buddy, get outta there.

Not wanting to say farewell was Susan, who, thanks to Kendra, found out that while love-of-her-life Mike is indeed a former drug user and (accidental) killer, he's still a good guy. She, on the other hand, is not the best parent. Making your teen daughter read a private investigator's file that could contain all sorts of unpleasantness will most likely exclude you from winning any Mother of the Year awards. But the liar of the year has got be Carlos. I swear, for like half a second, I almost believed him when he told Gabrielle that his dearly departed mother must have been the culprit who tampered with the birth-control pills. Unless creator Marc Cherry introduces a zombie story line, it seems that this little secret is safe — for now.

Wrapping up, everyone else got a little somethin' during this episode: Susan's mother: a big, sparkling rock Bree: a wake-up call from Edie Britt, of all people Lynette: an early Halloween costume John: salsa in the face DH's production crew: kudos for the Photoshop work they did on those "old" wedding photos of our respective couples. — Danny Spiegel

Elvis
I was initially skeptical about a skinny Irish boy playing such an American icon. I know that Jonathan Rhys Myers was great as a glam rocker in Velvet Goldmine, but there is a long way between that and the King. Actually turns out that they both wore mascara and flashy costumes, so maybe it's not such a big leap. Anyway, he's great. And looks the part, most especially when he's got his shaggy hair hanging in his face. If Elvis the Pelvis is still gyrating around down here on Earth, I think that he'd be impressed by Rhys Myers' performance. It's so excellent that they got permission to use Elvis' original recordings; it really made the whole thing so much more authentic, because while I am sure that Rhys Myers can carry a tune, belting it out with that distinctive drawl is a whole 'nother thing. I just wish they'd picked up the pace a little bit. Four hours is a bit much for someone like me, who is interested in Elvis, but not making an annual pilgrimage to Graceland. And for those obsessed with the King, details about how the Colonel made him turn down a part in The Rainmaker, or that he had um, relations with more than one girl at a time, or that Gladys liked to drink while feeding the chickens, probably don't come as much of a surprise. And my other problem with the miniseries is that they put the next installment on Wednesday, my already-overloaded TV-watching night. Thank goodness for TiVo; otherwise I don't know if I'd be able to see his post-Army comeback. — Angel Cohn

Deadwood
"When given to utterances of that type, consider drinking," is the bit of wisdom Al tells Merrick before we continue with the tragedy that ended last week's episode. Good advice, too — for anyone, really, whatever it is they may have said.

Poor William, and poor Tom Nuttall, too. In a town where you can't show your humanity for a second, Tom let his guard down enough to try and give a kid some fun, but wound up having to shoulder the blame for a tragedy (in his own head, if in nobody else's). As for the General and Hostetler, I can't blame them for running. You know when the anger has to fall somewhere, it's bound to fall on them for losing control of that horse. And speaking of suffering, watching Con deal with the pain of his rupture must have had every guy in the audience sitting just a little less straight.

Anyway, it's really a tribute to the Deadwood writing and directing team that they can strike such a fine balance between the conniving of Al, Adams, Tolliver, the commissioner and that crew, and the Bullocks as they watch their little boy suffer and finally pass away. Never mind the interesting surprise of seeing Andy Cramed, last seen barely making it through a bout of smallpox, return to offer his services... as a minister.

And before you write to the Televisionary, I'll do you all the favor of telling you that gorgeous song playing over the credits was Jane Siberry's "Calling All Angels." You'll find it on her 1993 release When I Was a Boy (Reprise). Not that that should stop you from stopping by to give his column a look, mind you. — Michael Peck

MONDAY

24
Was 3:00-4:00 am an emotional train wreck or what? First, Audrey got all hysterical over Paul's death, which caused Jack "Stoic" Bauer to tear up big time. Then Tony professed his undying love for Michelle, who got all weepy in return. Not to be outdone, Chloe offered Jack a shoulder to lean on, you know, as a friend. Um, hello, people! Get a grip! There's a nuclear warhead missing out there! (We'll make an exception for Audrey. Honey? Go home!) Didn't it seem like everyone had gone a little nutty? Must be the whole lack-of-sleep thing. Buchanan lost his patience with prickly Chloe and her "personality disorder." President Logan threw not one but two paranoid temper tantrums, insisting Palmer had built an alliance against him. Edgar got all nasty when Chloe pointed out that he should've kept his mouth shut. Then, of course, there's poor, poor Audrey. When she's not begging Jack to leave her alone, she's lying about his whereabouts to the Chinese consulate. Talk about multiple personalities! By the time they all wiped away their tears, we finally got to see the ultimate showdown: Jack vs. Marwan. You had to cheer when Jack took Marwan down, even though you knew he wouldn't kill him. "I've been waiting a long time for this," he told Marwan. Yeah, so have we! Only now we're dying to know how you're going to stop that launched missile. — Robin Honig

Everwood
Couldn't someone have introduced Ephram to the ways of eBay before he sold all his belongings at a bargain-basement price to a scary dude who is in a band that combines punk rock, new wave and early LeAnn Rimes? Actually Ephram would probably have done the world a favor by finding another way to earn the cash for Europe. Now all that high-tech equipment is being used to unleash what sounds like the world's worst musical idea. Speaking of bad ideas, who thought of making Mayor Mommy have cancer and potentially be paralyzed? She's one of my favorite characters on this show, and I'm already fragile after the whole Ephram-and-Amy dissolution. I just don't think I could take it if something happened to her.... At least she got off one of the best lines of the night before the weeping began. When asked if she was concerned about the carb count in her family dinner, she just said, "Dr. Atkins can bite my bum." Perfect, and just one of the reasons that she needs to stay on this show. Besides, if we lost her Bright might lose his sense of humor, and then I'd just be a wreck for the entire hour. As it stands, he and Hannah's awkward, clearly not siblinglike and definitely not toilet-talk relationship is, well, the bright spot of the show. Though I have to say that Hannah shouldn't have worried that Bright wouldn't scarf down whatever she had cookin' in the kitchen. Since he's been out of work and off his high-school exercise regimen, he seems to eat anything that's put in front of him. When he stands next to the nearly invisible Ephram, you can tell that despite the fact that he didn't go to college, he's still put on the Freshman 15. Doesn't matter too much, though; I'd still cuddle up with this Coloradan teddy bear anytime. At least he'd make me laugh. — AC

The Bachelor
Chris Harrison is my new hero. Seriously, anyone who can sit in the same room while Charlie O'Connell's exes verbally beat one another into piles of silicone and hairspray must have superpowers. Or some really good meds. 'Cause I would have been all up in Sarah W.'s chili about her "pretty is a curse" whining. Please, girl. You look like the spawn of Hillary Clinton and the Campbell's Soup kid, OK? And you lied about telling Sarah B. that she wasn't on Chuckie's short list. We all know it, you know it and she knows it. So own it and move on to your five-night dating rotation. I'm sure your suitors are just so proud to be seen with someone who just admitted that she sees certain guys for the free dinners. Big-necked Kindle was right. "Welcome to the real world, bitch. You're not that beautiful." Or swift, walking into this pit of vipers. Now can someone explain to me what the hell Danushka was doing there? That pox was erased practically before Charlie picked up his first rose, and yet there she is, still emitting that low-frequency idiocy that made her so painful to watch in the first place. It's no wonder poor Chris was so frazzled that he had to raise his voice for the first time in W.T.A. history. Between Jenny bitching about fellow Canuck Kimberley's roadhouse-skank wardrobe and the pretaped bits of finalists Krisily and Sarah B. hating on Sarah W., this season's batch of desperate harpies finally answered that age-old question: Can't we all just get along? Apparently not. As long as cameras, cleavage and O'Connells are involved, at least. Thankfully, that sort of three-way happens less often than most of these "ladies" would probably like. — Damian J. Holbrook

TUESDAY

Gilmore Girls
Rory stealing a yacht for a Moby Dick inspired joy-ride? Way out of character. We're talking about Miss Doe-Eyed Prim and Proper in a Party Dress who likes to sit quietly at the dinner table with her hands in her lap and her legs politely crossed. Sure, Logan's dad told her she doesn't have what it takes to make it as a journalist. (Raise your hand if you think Richy Rich has a snooty agenda here). But that would hardly turn her into a carefree daredevil! (Dare I bring up her future plans revealed in the coming attractions? OK, I better not.) And she's not the only one who had a Sybil moment in this ep. What was up with the suddenly pushy and big-mouthed Kirk? Only weeks ago he was cowering at the sound of Luke's voice. Now he's going toe-to-toe with him for the Twickham house? Where'd that nerve come from? Well, at least Luke's getting the house, thanks to the old dude in the steam room. (With that towel over his face and his muffled voice, I was just waiting for the Darth Vader joke: "Luke... I am your father!" Yeah, I know. Way too easy.) Meanwhile, he and Lorelai hardly seem like they're on the same page — again. He's secretly buying her a home, hoping to fill it with kids. She's breathing a sigh of relief over a pregnancy scare. (Was I the only one who thought Lorelai sharing the dirty details with Rory was way TMI? I mean, they're close and everything. But Rory's still her daughter.) I hate to see this relationship falter just to create some drama. We want to see these two happy, right? We might have to wait just one more week. — RH

The Amazing Race
Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s-s-s!!!! Woo-hoo!! Hooray for Uchenna and Joyce! It feels so damn good to see the nice guys (that is, couple) finish first. That Spanish-speaking cab driver was, initially, their savior, but he quickly became their biggest obstacle when he had to be paid (of course, he had no idea what was at stake). It just shows you how true-blue Uchenna and Joyce are, when, with their tightest and most important deadline looming, they still took the time out to make sure the cabbie "was covered." Now that's character. But, if they had lost because of that, my head would have exploded.

Those last two legs were unbelievably tight. It was one close call after another. First, Rob and Amber got stopped at a police checkpoint. Then, moments later, Uchenna and Joyce were delayed by a flat tire. (When I saw that, I was like, "C'mon!") Next, you had Amber getting confused as to where she had to jump 30 feet into the water, which was soon followed by toll-booth mayhem. And of course, let's not forget the mother of close calls: Uchenna and Joyce almost missing the early flight to Miami that Rob and Amber were already on. Talk about miracles! (And benevolent pilots!)

And here's hoping that Uchenna and Joyce have another miracle in the near future. As they mentioned, they plan to use the prize money to have a child, whether it's another try at in-vitro fertilization or adoption. It appears that this was truly a life-changing experience for them (40,000 miles across five continents can do that to you).

Well, it's been, in my opinion, the best race so far of this Emmy-winning series. You had spitting llamas, shaved heads, mounds of uneaten meat, 600 lb. elephant carts, Jerome the Gnome, a bribed bus driver, many missed flights and confused cab drivers and so much more. And even I'll admit that Rob and Amber were smart, skillful players. Not overly ethical, but smart. Once again, congratulations to Uchenna and Joyce! You two deserve it. (PS. In New York, the happy couple were interviewed on CBS local news, and let me tell you, Joyce's hair — short but grown in — looks great!) — DS

Veronica Mars
Scene: Two people and a cat sitting on a big squishy living-room couch in suburban New Jersey, all staring intently at the TV at approximately 9:40 pm/ET on Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Angel: [Says nothing just sits in front of television with jaw agape, in stunned silence.]
Steve: I told you that he was bad weeks ago.
Angel: OK, fine. I didn't believe you, and I'm still skeptical.
[15 minutes later]
Angel: OK, you were right. I so didn't pick up on any clues, even when I talked to the seemingly nice Harry Hamlin a month ago.

Things I learned tonight: It is valuable to listen to one's husband once and a while. And never trust actors. They are paid to act and therefore lie, and in the case of this show, they are really excellent liars. Though I guess maybe I should have interpreted "I'll be in all the remaining episodes" as, "You may think that I'm just a badass dad, but I'm the psycho killer Veronica's been looking for all season. And in the finale, I'm going to try to flame-broil the nosy chick when she finds out that I was having an affair with Lilly and beat her brains in with a decorative piece of outdoor furnishings." Yeah, I probably wouldn't have believed him then either. I can't even quite wrap my head around it now, as I just saw Mr. Hamlin and his lovely wife, Lisa (oh yeah — still alive), sitting happily in the audience at American Idol an hour beforehand. Weird timing.

Anyway, Neptune's little V. solved the rocking murder mystery and looked way more adorable undercover than Sydney Bristow. (Go, Kristen Bell, you had me in tears when you were trapped in the fridge!) But many, many, many, many questions remain. Like, who is at the door? Logan? Duncan? Weevil? Wallace? Deputy Leo? And will the pint-size P.I. spend next season chasing down her drunk-ass mother who robbed the teen's college fund twice? Even if Logan is at the door — pretty please! — he's gonna be messed up after his run-in with Weevil, having Veronica rip out his heart and then facing the fact that his abusive dad killed one of his girlfriends and tried to barbeque the other. Are these writers trying to kill me by making me wait a whole summer to see more? Probably, since between their witty dialogue skills and the well-oiled cast, this show has already made my heart stop and stunned me into silence (which is a pretty shocking thing).

At least a few little details got tied up in a pretty bow. Like the sweet little love fest that Veronica had with P.I. Daddy when she discovered that he really was her own flesh and blood. Aww, Enrico, that scene made me so glad that you were rescued from the Just Shoot Me world. Veronica easing Duncan's guilty conscience with the fact that they were NOT related — see, that one I guessed! And the video-taping scam was Aaron's and not Logan's — figured that one out, too! Also, loved Veronica's selfless act in reconnecting Wallace's mom with her dad. After all the tension and trauma, those scenes that looked like they were heading toward I Know What You Did Last Summer/everyone-ends-up-dead territory, it was refreshing to have a little bit of lovin' for someone. Meanwhile, I'm going to spend my summer brushing up on my sleuthing abilities to see if I can figure out what direction the writers are going to take next, and also who sang that that perfectly suited song about, "something special for my bad boyfriend," that played when Logan and Veronica (or LoVe as one of our loyal readers called them) were chatting by the lockers. — AC

WEDNESDAY

Lost
This is the week that I would have wanted to spent on the island: no crazy monsters chasing me down, no disturbing deaths or blood transfusions, a free science lesson about trade winds and the gossipy revelation that Kate ran into some trouble with a capital T in Iowa. Sadly, that would probably make me more likely to be friends with her instead of shunning her the way the castaways did, but whatever. This wasn't much of a nail biter to watch from home, but bad stuff's a-comin', just as soon as those trade winds shift. Eerie premonition from Walt about not opening the hatch of evil and that he and his dad need to get the heck off of mystery island stat. Almost made me feel bad that I jumped to conclusions and immediately blamed him for Michael's tummy troubles. And the fact that Kate's rediscovered audio tape was from Aug. 15, 1989, or, um, 8/15.... That can't be good. Bringing up those still-unexplained numbers is more than just a coincidence. Actually, her whole backstory can't be good. I mean it was great to see that Mackenzie Astin apparently figured out the Facts of Life since he got married and procreated, but it was sad to see Kate's own mother with the sunken face like Darth Sidious in Star Wars so freaked out about her kid going to the dark side that she started screaming. Even sadder, was that Kate was once a fan of New Kids on the Block, or at least enough to have the lunch box. Honey, I've been there, too, and that kind of thing is best left buried. Trust me. But I still don't get how that little toy plane managed to get out of the back seat of her smashed-up car, where she left her smashed-up ex-boyfriend, to a safety deposit box in New Mexico? Does that mean that he survived? Oh, and Charlie, you were right, if Drive Shaft were real, all your loyal fans would be out picking up their CDs when they heard about your death in a fiery plane crash. Personally, I can't wait to hear more of "Monster Eats the Pilot," I'd download that on to my iPod in a heartbeat. — AC

Smallville
OK, whooooaaa! Jason's dead?! Just like that? Nice! I mean, you sort of saw something bad coming blondie's way, what with his and Genevieve's whole Reservoir Dogs routine on the kidnapped Luthor duo, but being shot off a cliff by Lionel before he could fill Lex in on Clark's secret was just so out of the blue. Especially since this means someone else is going to bite it in next week's finale. And if it's not Mama Teague — if just for threatening to hurt Lana to get that damn stone back — pleasepleaseplease let it be the show's hairstylist. Between John Glover's Chia 'fro and that moppy-haired photographer freak with the House of Waxy Buildup touch, it was like 1987 all over again. Which, by the way, was my senior year and let me tell you, if I tried to trap the cool kids in an abandoned factory done up to look like Monsignor Bonner back then, the place would have ended up reeking of Drakkar Noir and Z. Cavariccis. Though I must say, there is something to be said for being holed up with Tom Welling, Alison Mack and Kristin Kreuk, you know? Hell, I've had a blast with them over just the past season. And even though the gang is about to graduate, fear not: I have it on very good authority that come fall, the distance between Met. U. and Central Kansas won't be enough to keep Superteen and his posse out of each other's hair. Or out of trouble. Now if they could only get out of the way of that damn Lost. — DJH

Alias
Poor Ned Bolger (Joel Grey). I actually felt bad for that guy when Jack called him a "pathetic freak." I guess because he actually is one. (I like how "Ned" is still the go-to moniker for losers.) Now, more important, did anyone really think that "Jaclyn" was a mistress? Uh, no. That name was a heartbreaking tragedy waiting to be revealed; and, sadly, losing a child is the most logical conclusion. By the way, that surreal flashback scene with Sloane in a white suit, the baby in a red blanket and Emily in a blue dress reminded me, strangely enough, of the Marlon Brando scenes in Superman. Hmm... I wonder if that means that, in a few years, Sloane is going to clumsily kiss Larry King.

It's funny, I finally figured out what's been different this season: The focal point of Alias has always been the ridiculously complicated life of Sydney Bristow. But it seems to have morphed into "The Sloane Show." We still get to see Sydney put on lots of wigs and then go on various fast-paced missions, but the character arc is totally the old man's. Good news for the influential Ron Rifkin fan club, bad news for those of us mesmerized by the lovely Jennifer Garner. Well, at least we've been getting plenty of Marshall, who easily had the best line of the night: "Yowsa," said the techno geek and married man as he admired a woman's, uh, nametag. Correcting himself, he added, "Nope, you're right. Watch TV. Can't touch the knobs." — DS

THURSDAY

The O.C.
OK, I'm not sure what's bigger:
1) Seth botching a dinner with George Lucas to swap places with Zzzach as Summer's prom date;
2) Caleb's frozen heart giving out seconds after Julie ixnayed her spiked-margarita plan; or
3) Theresa the 40-year-old teenager resurfacing to defend Coop's honor to Ryan while hiding the fact that she didn't actually lose that kid of his last fall. Oh, and let's not forget Kirsten's whole "I'm not an alkie" denial thing. I guess when you walk away from being plowed down by an 18-wheeler with a few sprained fingers and a seemingly mobile scratch on your brow, it's easy to forget that you can outdrink the Barrymores and Kennedys. Combined. What I won't forget is how great it was to see Kelly Rowan let loose when Kirsten tore her pops a new one for messing up their family. Or the horrified look on Melinda Clarke's face after JuJu's soon-to-be ex went toes-up in the pool. Yeah, this week was bangin'. And you know, whenever someone dies or pops back up with a secret lovechild a week before the finale, that's a sure sign that things are about to get real ugly real fast. I don't mean more of Nerd Boy and Ass Clown bickering over Summer, either. I'm talking Ryan opening a case of beatdown on Trey's scraggly Marissa-molesting butt and a visit to rehab via Rock-Bottom Boulevard for Kiki. But the writers are going to have to work it like they want it, especially if they hope to top Lucas' hideous little moment tonight. I mean really, confessing that he skipped his own prom to stay home and think up the Ewoks and Jar-Jar Binks? That's just a sin. — DJH

(Love The O.C.? Get the scoop on next week's finale and more on the TV Guide Channel's Hot Teen Finales special, airing May 18 at 8pm ET.)

Survivor
OK, Caryn basically asked to go home. Survivor rules clearly state that you do not reveal your strategy and alliances at tribal council; they can always come back to bite you. Remember, be cordial-ish while stabbing people in the back until you've got that million-dollar check in your hand. But her whole rant was worth it to see the great expressions on Coby's face. You know the little mischief-maker is just lappin' up all these emaciated contestants going at each other's throats. But watching the jury does make me really miss Stephenie. It's gotta be killing the curly haired She-Ra to be sitting over there watching undeserving people like coughcoughJenniferandKatiecoughcough still playing the game. Actually, Katie has at least kind of earned her spot in the final four. Sure, she lazed around and watched other people work and tried to be comic relief instead of tough competition, but her acting performance with the girls and then with Ian was remarkable. Someone get this girl an agent, because the way that she wrapped Ian around her little finger shows she could have some serious acting chops. I still want Ian to win, not only because I've got 5 bucks on him in the office pool, but because he was a good player... well, at least until he royally screwed up his plan tonight. Hopefully he'll remember before Sunday's finale that he isn't swimming with dolphins anymore — these people are sharks. — AC