Most Outrageous Moments on Live TV
Call me crazy, but there is something perversely hilarious about these clip shows. Mostly since this one was all about way uptight foreign-news dorks getting the "Hi, how are ya" from some very frisky animals. Oh, live TV. The land of anything goes. And when that dog mounted the Australian chick during the report on unfriendly pets, I nearly wet myself.

That '70s Show
I had to tune in, solely because Seth Green was doing a guest spot. Not because I particularly like him. It's just that he used to date my friend's sister back in high school and was such a twerp. So I'm glad to see that it's still working for him. How else can someone get me to snort by making a play for Donna with a come-on over omelets? But come on, folks, Brooke Shields moving in with Donna's pop? I can buy the beauty as Jackie's mom, but Bob's Brill-O 'fro alone is scarier than the entire run of Suddenly Susan. Run, Brooke, run! And take Seth with you. He may have been a twerp, but he deserves better than this.

American Idol
No. Forget it. I'm so done. Now I know why people like Johnny Depp choose to live with the French. Aside from the fact that he's as dirty as they are. How, America, could you send Jennifer Hudson home? Seriously. I mean, was it Barry Manilow's music that drove you to such insanity? Because I can totally understand that and am sure Fox will let you take it back. Unless there really are that many pasty white cheese-hounds out there burning up the phone lines to keep John Stevens around. That's the only way I can get my head around Jen, LaToya and Fantasia landing in the bottom three. Fine. You wanna play that way? Then ya'll better bring it, 'cause my girls are up to the task. See if that Perry Como-tose crooner can make it to the finale. Even Ryan Seacrest seemed ticked at the outcome with his "Vote for the talent" plea before signing off. Hell, I may need to sign off for a bit just to recover. It's not right that I want someone to hit the ether so much. Unless, of course, we're talking about...

The O.C.
...which needs to get rid of Theresa, pronto! That middle-aged teenager is like emotional herpes. She flares up at the worst times! First, it's to get away from Eddie. Now it's, oh, to get away of Eddie. Again. Ryan, dude. There's a reason you left your ex in Chino. Her name is Marissa and she's hot. Hotter now that she's finally getting a spine, all taking on Caleb and calling in her trashy aunt for Julie's shower. Gotta love a pretty girl willing to play dirty. But I'm kind of hating on Summer for ditching Seth just because her creepy father didn't get our boy's goofy groove. You'd think he'd be cool with his daughter dating a misfit, having romanced a Flashdance-ing welder back in the day, right? Anyhoo, the wedding is two weeks away. Since the idea of Eddie roughing up Theresa is something old, how much you want to bet she turns up as something blue by the season finale?

Wild Child: The Story of Feral Children
I have to say, this report on feral children raised without human contact wasn't really that gripping. Sad, yes. But honestly, these mostly Eastern European cases weren't that far-off from the monosyllabic mouth-breathers clogging the parking lot at my Starbucks. Plus, one of the little guys discarded by his folks ended up bonding with this supersweet dog, which is not a bad thing. I mean, given the choice, I'd pick my Chihuahua, Pepito, over certain grown-ups. That doesn't make me weird, right?

The Bachelor
So, Jenny S. warns Jesse twice about Trash, I mean Trish, and he still keeps her around? Yep, this Giant is thinking with his little goalpost. Lesbian threesomes. Married men. A pre-filming romp to make sure she "got it all in." Cripes, the only thing she won't do is shut her mouth. Or legs. So unless next week includes a date to the free clinic, I'd suggest the other five ladies still standing steered clear of sharing any hot tub with this pounce toy. Who, by the way, bragged that she was "elegant, professional and sophisticated... not a blabbering idiot" after Susie went ballistic with glee over her one-on-one with Mr. Palmer. I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that confessing to a list of sexual misdeeds longer than Michael Jackson's rap sheet was considered elegant. That said, I dug the clips of Bill Rancic's pre-Apprentice audition tape. He may not have been picked to hand out the roses this season, but you can bet what he's getting from Trump is far better. And probably won't require antibiotics.

Extreme Makeover
Oh man. Why can't I stay away from this show? It's so gross and God-awfully upsetting. These sad sacks endure the abuses at the hands of all the chisel-wielding doctors, yet I can barely suffer the ferocious fashions Sam Saboura puts them in after the swelling goes down. Tonight we got two patients straight out of The Big Book of British Teeth and a grandma getting a Brazilian butt-lift. Now, I never knew my parents' folks, but I can be damn sure that homemade cookies and a dollar here or there for being a good boy would have been more comforting than a granny with a prize-winning coolie, you know? Perhaps that's why I failed to tear up as usual during her big reveal. Plus, she ended up looking like The L Word's Pam Grier, which I wouldn't consider such a successful transformation. Now Cleopatra Jones, that's another story.

Arrghhh!! Ew! Ew! Ew! Body modification will never get a good name as long as specials like this are allowed to run amok. Thank God my roommate screamed for me to change the channel before those Chinese surgeons could fire up the Black & Decker drill to lengthen a patient's legs. It would have been really difficult to shake her out of the guaranteed shock-induced blackout. Probably about as tough as it will be for that poor guy to ever wear a smart pair of cargo shorts again. Or for me to sleep now. Ugh.