Joan and Melissa Rivers Joan and Melissa Rivers

OK, so here I am, coming to you live! From my... living room! Oh, the glamour, the glitz... the Wonder Chihuahua. It's almost too much to take. Especially knowing that we've got about five hours before we find out if Lost has indeed lost. Thankfully, we have the scariest pair since Jennafleck to cover the arrivals, so let's throw it to...

Joan and Melissa on the Red Carpet
6:03 Mama Rivers looking like a drag-queen marionette makes the first of what is sure to be a gazillion Katrina references. Sorry, love ya to death Joanie, but I can't take you seriously with that QVC Cleopatra necklace.
6:08 "I don't know what's going to be harder. Drying out New Orleans or Diana Ross." My money's on the Supreme Miss R, you know?
6:10 Mel introduces Emmy expert Tom O'Neil, who may be the nicest guy nobody pays enough attention to. Brutha knows his stuff.
6:12 Shameless plug time! The results of the "Who should have been nominated" poll are in and yep, everyone agrees that Gilmore Girls was robbed. You didn't even need to Ask Ausiello about that one.
6:14 Will & Grace's Shelley Morrison breaks every Hollywood rule by actually showing up on time. Poor girl probably knows it's a good time to start schmoozing for a new job.
6:15 Who the hell are the Ten Tenors, and why are they singing for Joan? Go away, geeks.
6:16 "I'll be taking full advantage of the free booshe." Really, Joan? I didn't think you drank.
6:18 Oooh, catfight! Mad TV's Bobby Lee's big-mouth interview with another carpeteer just got Joanie all "Move over there.... Honey, if it wasn't for me, there would be no red carpet!" Careful, nobody likes an angry drunk!
6:23 James Denton: Officially the best-dressed man on the red carp... oh, forget it  planet! DKNY delicious.
6:24 Serprise, serprise, our readers voted Matthew Fox as the most shafted best actor non-nominee. So that's what my editor, Tracy, has been doing all week.

E! Live at the Emmy Awards
6:30 Time to see what that monster, Star Jones, is up to. God, give me strength...
6:31 Whhaaat? She has Teri Hatcher? Looking resplendent in an updo and aubergine, the Desperate Housewife must have lost a bet, kissing up to that no-talent. Ugh. Sorry, I gotta change channels.

Joan and Melissa
6:34 How many polls did TV have this week?! Cripes, now it's the Missed Actresses survey. Lemme guess... oh, Lauren Graham. What a shocker. Come on, people. She's on WB. If Buffy didn't score a trophy, our quip-witted also-ran will never have to worry about "forgetting" to thank that hunky costar she reportedly hates. Back to...

E! Live at the Emmy Awards
6:38 Kathy Griffin and Giuliana the Alien from E! just threw to Carson Kressley for a "fashion flashback" of Debra Messing. Zzzzzz
6:40 Marcia Cross is SMOKIN' in an emerald Elie Saab. Dayummm. Of course, Star Jones looks like ghetto Morticia Addams.
6:41 Or is it Raven-Symone on steroids?
6:42 Are ya kidding? Is Bree still talking? Something about yoga and knowing that her fiancée was "the right one." I would hope so. God knows Star snagged herself a real prize. Click!

Joan and Melissa on the Red Carpet
6:45 James Denton just told Joanie that he's wearing DKNY boxer briefs. Hubba. Camryn Manheim is wearing some faboo scarlet number. Hubba, hubba. But, honey, you are so not 32.
6:46 Chris O'Donnell, still cute. His new show, Head Cases? Still sucks.
6:47 Gotta take Pepito out. Be back in a flash.

E! Live at the Emmy Awards
"There's crazy Ray Liotta." I adore Kathy Griffin.
6:56 Oh, no. Star has the Donald. The Olympic sucking-up trials have officially begun. Wow... Alyson Hannigan is hot. Who knew?
6:57 Giuliana, what's with your head?
6:57:30 Kathy just pointed out the three-way lovefest between the Trumps and Eva Longoria, officially proving that the little Housewife will do anything if a camera's involved.
6:58 Jesse Metcalfe's buzzcut and soul patch are surprisingly ineffective. The kid is still better looking than should be legal. Hate him. But Kathy's right: He needs to get off the cell phone and do something about those eyebrows.
7:00 Eva just said that "it's going to be an even darker year" on Housewives. Darker than stolen babies, murdered junkies and fatal heart attacks? So it's going to become CSI: New York?
7:01 Star's with crazy Ray Liotta. Since he already won his statue for that ER guest spot, I'm gonna look away. He kind of freaks me out.
7:04 Ewwww. Star just asked Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy if it's "still hot." I don't wanna know that. Now I feel dirty. Time for...

Joan and Melissa on the Red Carpet
Teri Hatcher just made it to Joanie and is once again pitching her Katrina-relief T-shirts. Sweet. Now if somebody could pitch the poor woman a burger, everyone would win!
7:10 Jason Lee, My Name Is Earl is hilarious. The 'stache, not so much.
7:11 OK, the crowd is now chanting "Eva! Eva!" which is weird because they've probably all met her already. Girl shows up at the opening of a door.
7:12 Truth? I love that Naima and Ann from Top Model are our Emmy girls tonight, but why hasn't Tyra called me? And how long do restraining orders usually last?
7:16 How about that? Debra Messing has the same do as Teri Hatcher. We'll see which one has the luck.
7:18 Seriously, Eva Longoria again? Click.

E! Live at the Emmy Awards
Jennifer Love Hewitt just told Star that she made a preshow visit to In-N-Out Burger. Though I have a strange feeling she didn't actually eat there. Ever.
7:21 Kyra Sedgwick told Carson that Kevin is skipping the show to "play music." Nice, Mr. Bacon. Classy.
7:22 Someone please tell me what it is about Star that makes me want to shoot the TV? Really, this is can't be healthy. I'll just wait for Terry O'Quinn to hit...

Joan and Melissa on the Red Carpet
7:24 Denis Leary is Conan O'Brien's cousin? Now that family reunion would leave a mark. And how can Rescue Me be up for best writing? It's all curses and violent lesbians. Like my prom.
7:25 OK, as much as Peter Boyle breaks my heart, if Raymond sweeps again, I'm boycotting every product and company that damned Patricia Heaton is hawking. Woman needs to learn to say "No thanks, I don't want people to get sick of me." Then teach it to Longoria.

E! Live at the Emmy Awards
Star just told Eric McCormack that W&G is "one of the funniest shows that has ever been on television." Did she just get a TV?
7:35 Huh. Evangeline Lilly's with Star. Just saw Maggie Grace. Then there was Mr. O'Quinn. That's funny. It seems everyone from Lost could make it to the Emmys, but not the TCA press tour. OK, play that way. Hope that sophomore slump doesn't hurt your backs, kids!
7:36 Ohhhh, look. Patricia Heaton. "I'm just a normal mom and wife and zzzzzzzzzzzz......" Spare us.

Joan and Melissa on the Red Carpet
7:40 Melissa has Harold Perrineau and a Gucci-clad Daniel Dae Kim, too?!
7:42 Sarah Chalke just popped up to swoon. Can't really blame her.
7:43 Hey, Nicollette Sheridan and Joan... battle of the blonde reconstruction sites!
7:44 Outstanding actress in a TV-movie nom Cynthia Nixon working Bill Blass exits just as Portia De Rossi joins Joan at the booth. Its like a mini-Pride Parade!
7:46 Now it's Lost's Naveen Andrews? Jeesh, next thing you know, Rose from the beach and the swimmer who drowned are gonna show up. Blessedly, it looks like his main squeeze Barbara Hershey found a good doctor. Er, I mean, makeup artist. That's it. Yeah.
7:49 Tom O'Neil expects Hugh Laurie, Tyne Daly and Peter Boyle to win. Can I just quit now?
7:50 Mischa Barton is so much taller than Melissa in heels. And standing on my shoulders. Let's face it, Coop is a giant.

E! Live at the Emmys
7:52 Does Star think asking every recently engaged or married actor "what it's like" will prompt them to ask about her marriage? Like Mariska Hargitay cares! She sees enough bad stuff on Law & Order: SVU to deal with that visual.
7:57 Better take Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua out before the real show starts... and my muscles atrophy.