Papa Cohen: You invited Lindsay over here?
[Witty back-and-forth deleted. Hey I'm trying to make a quick point here]
Ryan: I'm sorry. Should I not?
Papa: Her mom is involved with Caleb's case. It's... the timing. It's probably not great given everything.
Ryan: Yeah. OK. Except, I mean, what does Lindsay have to do with Caleb's case? What is she, like, Caleb's hit man? Drug dealer?
Seth: Illegitimate love child?
Daddy Cohen turns and gives them A Look. And, with that, the hands-up-in-the-air, you've-got-to-be-kidding-me secret is out! Oh, man. The only moment more deliciously soapy than that comes half an hour later when Caleb tells the entire Cohen-Cooper-and-Friends clan about his 16-year-old "error in judgment." He gets slapped twice: once by his daughter Kirsten; then again by Julie. (Who has some nerve, by the way. Hello. It's not like Caleb cheated on her. It's not like, ahem, he's the one sleeping with his ex-husband. But I digress.) Yeah. Merry Chrismukkah, everybody.
Life as We Know It
I tried not to watch this week. Especially right after 9021-O.C., but I couldn't help myself. I'm addicted to teen dramas. Something inside me needed to see how evil Ben's big brother Sam could be, needed to find out what would happen to Dino after he took impotency drugs, and couldn't live without knowing if Ms. Young would go all Fatal Attraction on a high-school boy. The answers to those questions: Sam was very evil. Dino got, um, excited, during wrestling class (hmmm. Do I see "he's gay" rumors coming in the future?). And though Miss Young did not pull a Swimfan on Ben, she did do his brother. And that was a cold, crazy teacher move right there.
The Alias promo
[Insert me happily singing a song I hated when it was in the Gap commercial: "I am crazy for this little lady!"] Words can not express how excited I get every time this commercial comes on. Little confession: I've taken to analyzing it, trying to guess what's happening in the clips. Basically, January 5 can not come soon enough.
The Good: Kelly won. I might have lost faith in humanity if he hadn't. And no, I'm not a big Kelly fan. I just dislike Jen that much. Not only did she "fly under the radar," as The Donald once said, she overdelegated the two times she was forced to lead and she took credit for work she didn't do during the Pepsi challenge. I mean, Ivana would have been a far better finalist. Or Pamela. Wait. Change that to "especially Pamela." (That woman got the shaft!)
The Bad: That said, it sucked that Jen had to sit there on national live television and watch as person after person stood up and picked the West Point grad over her. Ouch. She's a badmamajamma for not getting the least bit teary-eyed during that. I'm just saying.
The Ugly: Overall, I'm going to call tonight's show 90 ways to waste my TV time. Seriously. The finale was an hour and a half too long. It had at least 20 full minutes of recaps, another 20 minutes of Regis asking people whom they would vote for, 10 minutes of blatant Trump product placement, and a bloated boardroom that made me resent NBC. For real. Only 10 minutes needed to be live. Editors of this show could have made a rockin' 90-minute finale that left people begging for more. Then they could have put all that other stuff on a "special extended version" that would air on one of NBC's cable networks on a Friday or Saturday night. Shoot. Now they've gone and made me mad that they're premiering the third season so soon. (On January 20.) A girl needs a break.
Wait. One last thing. What was up with the plus-size sistagirl back at Jen's law-firm party? Oh, you know you saw her jumping around, waving at the camera in that bright red shirt. And even if you hadn't, you couldn't miss that screaming. I was like, dang woman, chill. You have not won the lotto. OK?