Joey Joey says he's circling the...

Joey Joey says he's circling the airport but that his costar has given him permission to land. My question: Who gave Mr. How-You-Doin' a romantic pilot's license in the first place? I mean, he's cute. And he can be charming in an idiot-savant way. But far too many women are falling under his spell, especially now that he's over 30 and living in L.A. where every third guy is a young, attractive, shallow actor-type. I'm just saying. Maybe it's time our favorite Friend starts getting rejected — a lot. It would make a great story line to see him struggling to stay confident after several women reject him despite the fact that he's on a show and was once Dr. Drake Ramoray.Life as We Know It Life as I know it changes tonight when ABC bumps this show up an hour so it runs directly opposite The O.C. Add that to the fact that Ben broke down crying in public after Sue walked in on his fabulous fight with psychotic Miss Young, and I can confidently say that ABC execs are trying to kill me. I mean the boy went from zero to full-on tears in one second. That's how much he wanted to be with her. It was so romantic. The moment was almost ruined, though, by Sue's too-convenient I'm-really-not-a-slut speech. I mean, some girls go through a slut phase. It happens. It would've been interesting to see Ben struggle to handle that fact. But, whatever. Other reasons tonight's episode was, as my little sister would say, "Fire." (Not "on fire," just fire. And she calls things that are really dramatically hot "fire pee." It's dumb, yet so poignant. You know my grown-going-on-12 butt is gonna use that, right. So start rolling your eyes now.): 1.) That Dino cracked, hit a guy, then was forced to iPod-bond with the too-cool-for-school midget counselor Dr. Belber (played by Peter Dinklage aka the star of The Station Agent). 2.) Miss Young saying, "You broke up with me in a boiler room," and later boo-hooing over a beer at a bar. 3.) The coyly seductive look Deb's hotter, cooler cousin Sabrina gave Dino when Deb introduced them. It was a little video-vixenlike, but still, somebody needs to teach me how to do that. 4.) The fact that Mia accidentally owns up to seeing Michael before her so-called best friend Annie's divorce papers could be drawn up, let alone finalized. I so would have beat Mia down that it's not even funny. A best friend does not do your husband. Period.The 1-800-OK-Cable commercial I guess if R. Kelly could sing "You remind me of my jeep," and that song could become a hit, then it is indeed "OK" for this couple to sing, "I love you like cable."Committed Replace "guy in a wheelchair" with "girl with a prosthetic hand" and I once was and sometimes still am Nate. Lord help me. Let's just say, you never want to see your life reflected in a mediocre sitcom. For real.Wickedly Perfect Give 12 Martha Stewart wannabes apples and what do they do? Make apple butter, apple dip, skewered apples, sour-cream apple pie, an apple doormat, an apple-covered awning and a bunch of other scary apple stuff. How do I like them apples? Well, I don't. Sorry, Charlie. Or in this case, CBS. I have plenty of HGTV-addicted domestic diva-type friends who will love this show. But I just can't get with it. Once you get past the crazy crafty stuff they do, it's just like every other reality show ever. No joke. It follows the reality-show formula to a T. Take overly opinionated people, make them live together in a fabulous house, divide them into two teams, force them to compete in silly tasks and eliminate one person each week. Instant presto pizzazz-free reality show. Another reason I don't like this show (as if I needed one): I think that obnoxious Tom was an actor plant and that all of the contestants were coached on how to describe themselves.The Splenda commercial The Splenda people need to get a grip. Until they start selling it in $2, 5-lb. bags, no one is going to come over and ask if they can "borrow a cup of Splenda." Shoot. As much as this stuff costs, that would be like asking your neighbor for seven bucks.The O.C. Five great things said on tonight's delicious episode: 1.) "Holy '80s teen-comedy plot!" 2.) "You're becoming more like me," Seth tells Ryan, "which paves the way for me to become the brooding bad boy." Finally someone says it out loud! I know they were only kidding. But that's what's happening. With every episode Ryan emotes more and Seth acts out. It's role reversal, people. 3.) "Your breath smells like Marissa. You are so drunk!" Summer says to Seth after he gets hammered in an attempt to impress Alex. 4.) "I need to learn how to be a real dad," Jimmy tells Marissa. "So. Um. I'm leaving." Riiiight. OK. So Jimmy's going to Maui before he damages his daughter by getting back with her mother — aka the woman who ruined them all. Got it. But, please. People need to quit blaming Julie for everything Jimmy ever did wrong. Yes, she was an evil beyaatch. But she never told the man to steal from his clients. Dude needs to own up to the fact that he has no cojones. That's why he couldn't say no to his overdemanding wife, and that's why he can't stay around to parent his alcoholic teenage daughter. 5.) "Of course I'm screwed up. I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut." Oh, Marissa.CSI Geek-boy Greg looking at a spent bullet and deducing that it came from a Colt .45 is kinda hot. Ditto for Warrick and Nick making a ballistic-gel crash-test dummy. Yes, I am officially a CSI groupie. But if my friends love me, they will take away my fingerprint kit and stop me before I make like tonight's Sherlock Holmes freaks and convert one of my rooms into a copy of the CSI crime lab. That's all I'm saying.Will & Grace "For gay guys, a hand down the pants just means hello, goodbye and peace." All right. Let's be real. If anyone other than Jack had said that, PFLAG and the Ten Percent Society would riot. But it's Jack. So I guess it's OK. Right? Definitely not OK was Jeff Goldblum as the high school nerd-turned-kazillionaire who's trying to take over Karen's company, Walker, Inc. That guy is so creepy. Not in a David Caruso way. I mean, I'd still date him. (Hey, I have a feeling he'd get you into the best members-only piano bars.) But if he never does a victory dance like that again, all things will be right in the sitcom world.Without a Trace My mother and bazillions of people love this show. But all too often it just gets on my nerves. That's why I only watch it if nothing else is on. (I, along with 20 million other people already saw tonight's episode of Medium, so I figured, why not watch Trace?) See, on CSI all the pieces of the puzzle are there, they just spend the hour trying to put them together. But on this show the writers throw a new piece at you every few minutes. Take tonight's episode about the brainy 15-year-old who gets knocked up, hides her pregnancy, then runs away to have the baby in her friend's father's office. First we find out she's taking drugs. Then she quits the swim team. Then she's selling term papers. Then she has a secret older lover guy. Then it's, no, she's pregnant. And it goes on and on. It just annoys me.The Depends commercial Thelma and Louise wearing adult diapers. That's so disturbing.The Crest Whitestrips commercial So one woman says, "I'm doing it on my way to work." Another says, "I'm doing it at work." Then there's the lady who's "doing it right now." I know. I know. I resolved not to have such a dirty mind in 2005, but I've just got to say it. If you replace "Crest Whitestrips" with "Kegel exercises," this becomes a whole other kind of commercial. I'm just saying. Sorry.Love Is in the Heir You know what I hate more than the fact that I watch this show? That I like it. Pity the country that claims wannabe country-music singer Princess Ann Claire as its royalty.