Gilmore Girls
Wow. I missed this show so much over the summer. And a new day has dawned for Gilmore Girls as the season opens with Rory in bed with Dean! How intriguing that we get to see what happened in the moments just before Lorelai unexpectedly arrived home in last season's finale. Nice touch showing Dean listening on the porch while Lorelai scolded her daughter for being "the other woman." (Of course, he would've eavesdropped!) Good that they also explained why Lindsay answered Dean's cell phone when Rory called — I'd been wondering about that! But how awful it was listening to Dean berate his angelic little wifey-wife for "answering other people's phones." Um, sweetie, she answered her husband's phone — everyone knows husbands do not count as "people."

Anyway, I was just wondering how Lindsay would find out about Dean's affair when they revealed it all in the teaser clip for next week's show. Sheesh! They gave away so much of next week's plot, I thought I was watching 24! I'm keepin' my lips zipped, just in case you missed it. Now let's get to Luke and Lorelai, who still managed to be all cute amidst this episode's heavy drama....

Best Romantic Line I Need to Steal
"It was a great kiss. If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive consequences." — Lorelai, suavely reassuring Luke that their long-awaited lip-lock was good.

Omigod, Luke said his cell-phone digits over Lorelai's answering machine! I just couldn't resist jotting it down, since he said a real-sounding number, as opposed to one of those fakey-sounding 555 numbers they always say on TV. The 555 thing became a tradition in TV and movies long ago because nutso fans (like myself) would call fictional characters' phone numbers. Naturally, they'd end up bothering some innocent pig farmer in Indiana or someplace. (That's why I'm not including Luke's numero here. Sorry.) But was that someone's real phone number? I really wanna call... but I shouldn't... but I have to!

OK, I just called and it's some guy's voice mail. He says, "Hi, this is Blake and I just hacked your phone." Beeeep. Yikes! What does that mean? Is this a prank? Or did I copy the number down wrong? Gentle readers, if anyone else was lame enough to copy down Luke's celly and call the digits, you'd best e-mail me via the link at the bottom of this column and tell me what happened.

One last Gilmore Girls thing. It's sad that Lorelai's parents are separated, but at least Emily's being fabulous by taking Rory to Paris and having sassy marital dialogues like this exchange...
Richard: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine with lunch!
Emily: Well, then, buy me a boa and send me to Reno because I am open for business!

Big Brother 5
Glad Drew won, instead of that inbred-looking Cowboy dude. I had a feeling the hottie's dumb but likable ways would carry him through to the end. But if anyone thought I'd watch this nonsense over those witty, pretty Gilmores, they're sorely mistaken. I wanna watch performances by legit actors, not game-show winners who wanna be actors, like silly Drew does.

The Amazing Race
This two-hour finale had so much to laugh about, I gotta work me some list action....
1. Can't believe that good little religious girl Nicole pretended to be drowning to distract Chip during the snorkeling challenge! I don't think "the Lord" would approve of that, hon. So she and Brandon get the clue out of the clam, putting themselves in first place, and I begin to think they've got brains, after all — until Brandon reads it: "Have vertigo? Don't go. What's vertigo?" Oh no, that blond boy did not just say that. Is he for real? CBS should've cast him on Big Brother 5 instead. He would've been right at home with those other doofuses, walking around shirtless and talking foolishness. Still, it's a good thing for Bran and Nic that intellectual prowess was unnecessary to win that rope-climbing challenge and get the Caribbean vacation.
2. Loved how that nasty Christie was talking about Chip and Kim deserving bad karma. Then when she and Colin got into the kayak, they both tumbled into the water like dorks. Ha! How ya like that, beeyatch?
3. Those poor Bowling Moms. They were never gonna win, but it's cool they made it as far as they did.
4. Christie had better never marry Colin. The way he berates and yells at her (especially on their way up that snowy mountain in Calgary), I could totally picture him raising his hand to her if there weren't any cameras. Anger Boy is scary.
5. Brandon needs to pray for a less dramatic girlfriend. Nicole was on my nerves with her whining and crying while they were riding down that icy hill and throughout the whole series. Forget what I said in No. 4. Sometimes, maybe there is an excuse for domestic violence. (Kidding, kidding....)
6. Loved Chip and Kim going down the ice luge — they're always good sports and they give good quote. Kim said, "We tore that wall up!" And Chip's "just chillin' like a villain" or "lickin' chops and praisin' the Lord," depending on his mood. Too funny. When they finally reached the finish line together, I cheered and jumped up and down in front of my TV. I just knew they'd win the $1 million! In your face, Colin and Christie! How fake were the rivals' hugs at the end? Y'all know they still hate Chip and Kim, but Chip and Kim don't have time for hate because these marrieds are much too busy lovin' life and spendin' that cheese.

Do you think Adrian is really adopted, or did Ava just drop that bombshell to throw the McNamaras off the incestuous goings-on? Any way you slice it, she's nasty and wrong. But that slutty Svengali still has Matt under her power, even after he heard she gets busy with her own son? Damn. That's messed up. So is Christian dumping his blind girlfriend, Natasha, by rubbing her nose in his tryst with Kimber and pummeling her with such hateful words. On her way outta Christian's house, I was seriously hoping she'd whack him in the groin with her cane. But alas, Natasha stayed ladylike to the end. She's a better woman than I am.