We have officially reached the singularity and it's thanks to, of all things, Fox's new comedy LA to Vegas.
In the third episode of the freshmen sitcom, which stars Dylan McDermott as a narcissistic pilot, Dermot Mulroney is introduced as McDermott's nemesis in what just may be the single greatest piece of stunt casting of all time. Reviews of the comedy may be mixed, but at least this we can all agree on.
Although McDermott and Mulroney both have actual character names (Captain Dave and Captain Steve, respectively), for our purposes, we will continue to call them by the names that have forever bonded them together thanks to the world's inability to tell them apart.
But now that we have been blessed to witness McDermott and Mulroney actually sharing the screen together, what are we to do this with information? Put them in competition with each other, of course! We've come up with a highly scientific and in-no-ways-subjective means of discovering who would come out of this Dylan-Dermot cage match alive by rating them in four crucial categories on a scale of 1-10.
Let's begin our investigation:
Both pilots are rocking mustaches, which I'm guessing are part of all pilots' signature look in the show's universe. However, in addition to his full stache, McDermott is also sporting a small soul patch. Mulroney, on the other hand, only has his thin stache adorning his otherwise flawless face.
Additionally, Mulroney is absolutely owning the whole "silver fox" thing, allowing his natural grays to shine. He also has great volume and shape in his coiffed 'do. But as a whole, McDermott's styling is more cohesive. That soul patch really is working overtime to keep the whole look balanced. Mulroney really could have benefited from a thicker mustache, if you ask me. Or maybe — don't judge me now — even a goatee.
Dylan McDermott: 8
Dermot Mulroney: 6
After breaking his wrist, McDermott is forced to step away from his regular LA to Vegas flight, resulting in Mulroney, an international pilot, to come in as a replacement. Threatened by his longtime nemesis encroaching on his turf, McDermott decides to fly back and forth all weekend to watch over Mulroney, who quickly wins over the crew.
However, it doesn't take long before Mulroney's true colors come out and he exposes himself as a two-faced douchebag. In the end, Mulroney loses his temper and punches McDermott in the face, leading to Josh Duhamel being brought on as McDermott's new temporary replacement.
Overall, the pair's storylines are so intertwined, it's really hard to judge them individually. As Mulroney slowly reveals himself to be an obvious garbage person, McDermott is concurrently becoming more of an insecure husk of his previously blustering self. You can't have one without the other, or else the whole episode would fall apart.
Dylan McDermott: 9
Dermot Mulroney: 9
Bonus Josh Duhamel points: 100 billion
3. Comedic Timing
McDermott feels far more comfortable in this role, which makes perfect sense given that he's a series regular. It's also much funnier to see someone gradually become more and more unhinged than it is to see someone simply turn out to be your run-of-the-mill jerkface. And while there's no denying Mulroney's appeal (I mean, have you seen Hallmark's The Christmas Train?!), he's also just not as much of a natural smarm the way McDermott is. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, except the comedy of this role is dependent on Mulroney's ability to go head-to-head with the man who gave us tearful masturbation in a smarm contest. This one's really a no-brainer.
Dylan McDermott: 10
Dermot Mulroney: 7
In the end, this really is what this face-off is all about: can either McDermott or Mulroney make themselves so memorable that people stop confusing them for the other, or are they forever doomed to be more famous as Those Two Actors You Can't Keep Straight than actual individuals?
Based on this episode, we've got to go with the former. Neither LA to Vegas nor either actor's roles in the show has what it takes to really make a dent in the decades' worth of confusion they've built up over their Hollywood careers. However, McDermott's performance is a bright spot within this comedy and the part is gaining him some great recognition, so he deserves a bit of an edge over Mulroney in this instance.
Dylan McDermott: 6
Dermot Mulroney: 5
Now that the scores are in, let's see who came out on top! With 33 points, Dylan McDermott is officially the greatest Derlan McDerney of all time, beating Dermot Mulroney's 27 points.
So there you have it. The universe's greatest debate has been settled once and for all. Although, we doubt this will do anything to prevent anyone from continuing to mix up the actors in the future, so even though McDermott technically won, they both kind of lost.
LA to Vegas airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.