All of Us I have a confession...

All of Us
I have a confession to make: I've never watched this UPN sitcom, feeling annoyed that Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have their names emblazoned across its promotional billboards — they're the executive producers, but aren't really in the show. Also, I already watch The Parkers (Mo'Nique rules!) and, no disrespect, but this busy boy only has so much TV time to devote to UPN. That said, I broke down and tuned in to see Will guest star. And it was educational for me, as a Caucasian, to catch this All of Us episode. I learned that an Old School party is where you dress up all ghettolicious (circa 1986) and goof around, listening to pre-Fabolous rappers from back in the day. I also learned where the heck my girl Debi Mazar's been hidin' herself! Oh, and I learned this show's cast is actually pretty funny and likeable, even if the Smiths aren't series regulars. I'm likin' that sassy ex-wife, Neesee. So consider me schooled! I am even feeling tempted to start cheatin' on my fave Tuesday night honeys, those...

Gilmore Girls
No! I did not just see what I just saw! Talk about an end-of-episode shocker: Rory caught Paris passionately making out with her professorial icon, played by Michael York! What an age difference. This goes beyond a May/December romance. Who knew this uptight, by-the-book pain in the behind had it in her?
I'm not even touching Lorelai's first date with Digger. I ranted about this truly icky coupling last week, and I just had dinner, so let's not dwell upon nauseating subjects, shall we? Instead, let me tell you how much I loved that Gilmore Girls did an episode centered around a Harvard/Yale football game. I used to live in Connecticut, and one of my happiest days there was spent bundled up in the bleachers, watching the Bulldogs take on the Crimson in the snow. Okay, so GG never actually showed any football taking place — this is a girlie show — but it did a great job covering Yale's football-related traditions, Whiffenpoofs and all.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Finally, they're back with some new episodes! Was this week's rustic, country-fried straight guy, Jeff Toale, spooky or what? With that long hair, hillbilly beard and dead eyes, he was like Nick Nolte, Willie Nelson and the Unabomber all rolled into one. Then, Kyan gives him a shave and a haircut, and the dude comes out looking oddly like Richard Chamberlain. Hmm... And although Thom couldn't take the liberty of throwing away Jeff's tacky, mounted animal heads, the interior decor expert did work some miracles in that house, didn't he? (I liked how Carson cleared out Jeff's closet by hurling all objectionable clothing off the top of the staircase, right into the entrance foyer. That's exactly how Jessica Simpson does her spring cleaning on Newlyweds!) But Jai was useless as usual this week. His "cultural" contributions? Buying Jeff a picture frame and a gift certificate to take a woodcarving class. Whatever. So random! Anyway, Jeff and his wife may have painfully bad taste, but they sure have two great kids, don't they? In the end, my pal Michael summed up the Toales nicely: "They may be trashy, but there's a lot of love in that house."

Crank Yankers
My fave phone prank of the evening? Jimmy Kimmel's wisecracking 8-year-old daughter, Katie, calling Saks Fifth Avenue in her sweet little voice and demanding to be issued a store credit card. "Is this customer service? Well, I'm a customer and I want some service." Here's another soundbite that had me and my friends bustin' up laughing...

Clerk: I'm hanging up now.Katie: Okay, but I'll just keep calling back.Clerk: Now, why would you want to do that?Katie: I got nothing else to do.Clerk: I'm calling the police.Katie: (Sighs) Go ahead. I've been arrested before.

NYPD Blue
ABC's promos billed this as a can't-miss episode because of Andy and Connie's much-anticipated wedding. Too bad the damn nuptials were crammed into the show's final minutes. Before the main event, you had to sit through the absurd tale of Lucy, the female rapist. See, this freak-of-the-week was turned down for a waitressing job in a Manhattan bar. Instead of just seeking employment elsewhere, she sought revenge on her would-be employer by framing him. How? She follows the bar's female patrons home, conks 'em on the head, drugs 'em, rapes 'em with a sex toy — Ew! — and then strangles 'em to death.

Well, after that vulgar nonsense, this viewer wasn't especially in the mood for a romantic wedding, lemme tell ya. On the bright side, Bill Brochtrup actually had lines to say in this episode! For some reason, John the gay police secretary was performing the ceremony. Don't ask me why. As if this wasn't confusing enough, my pal Michael — who doesn't watch Blue — assumed Dennis Franz was playing the father of the bride, instead of the groom. Yikes. I set him straight, but considering how many years Franz has on his leading lady, Charlotte Ross, it was a very understandable mistake.

"Maybe it's all just a scary dream," Michael said, "and when Charlotte wakes up, she'll be back on Beggars & Choosers."