Last Comic Standing Oh, Alonzo,...

Last Comic Standing
Oh, Alonzo, what happened? Was it the "going first curse"? I gave you my vote tonight because, for the first time, you needed it. Your material has been rock solid throughout, but tonight you went with the long form — and came up short.

Gary, you, on the other hand rocked it Seinfeld-style with riffs that were universal and hilarious. I have to admit, I don't want you to win this thing, and I couldn't even tell you why, but if you do, you deserve it.

John Heffron, my man, my fellow Michigander. What can I say other than you keep getting better and better. The bit about a woman leaving everything at the bottom of the stairs for her man to pick up had me cheering, and my wife blushing. If Gary has the Seinfeld thing working for him, I'd say you've got shades of Bobcat Goldthwait, but with better hair and on Lithium.

Jay, the next time you're wingin' it at the top of the show and it's just not connecting, bust out the Christopher Walken impersonation, 'cause you do it better than anyone and it doesn't matter what you say, you'll get the laughs.

And NBC, good call on whipping together another season of Last Comic for the fall. Much better than offering up another round of the aptly titled Average Joe.

Wendy's Commercial
Don't you just love when burger joints go healthy? Wendy's new kids' meals offer a choice of either mandarin oranges or French fries, and for a drink, Junior can choose milk instead of soda. As for health-conscious adults, just do what I do: Have them put an extra slice of tomato on your bacon triple-cheeseburger.

In the Jury Room
Mark Ducic looks guilty as hell, and with an audiotaped confession to two murders, I can't quite figure out why this cinema verit&#233 version of a Law & Order episode is being stretched out over two nights. There's either a juicy twist in the works, or maybe the second episode actually lives up to the title and spends a little more time "in the jury room."

Whether Ducic is guilty or not, one thing is clear: Drugs are really, really bad for your skin. Did you see his face? Like he fell asleep facedown on a stucco pillow. How about the prosecution's star witness, the crackhead who wore a wire and turned the tables on Ducic? These guys are like 40 going on 80 — and then they bring in another crackhead to provide testimony and he can hardly walk without the use of a cane. The Partnership for a Drug-Free America should hire these losers as spokespeople: "This is your face on drugs. Any questions?"

Quote of the Night: Ducic's attorney loses his cool after Ducic starts mouthing off in court: "You are not the f------ legal wizard that you think you are. A lot of times you come up with some very distracting things. And unfortunately, when you come up with that distraction s--- it kind of throws me off, and if it throws me off then I lose my train of thought, and if I lose my train of thought, then you lose your life, alright?"

Ducic wisely kept his mouth shut after that.

True Hollywood Story: Gymnasts — Little Girls, Big Dreams
This show was painful to watch. Not because of the constant pressure these girls are under or the eight hours of grueling training they subject their bodies to on a daily basis. It's the replay of dismounts gone horribly wrong that gave me nightmares. Watching Kerri Strug fly off the parallel bars and land on her neck — Ouch! I did not know the human body could bend like that. Thanks to another enlightening THS schlockumentary, I think we're going to pass on gymnastics lessons for the kids in favor of something a little safer — like fencing.

Nip/Tuck
Whooo boy, Nip/Tuck done got all religious — Heaven help us!

I still can't believe Julia spilled the beans — those shingles must've been itching like hell! But more surprising than her telling Sean that he's not Matt's father was the fact that she didn't shed a tear while doing it! I mean, here's a woman who can work herself into a tizzy over a burnt-out lightbulb, yet she hardly flinches when she sends her husband into a rage by telling him that everything he believes in is a lie. I guess the truth set her free — even if it sent her husband off the deep end.

As for that wicked white-haired nun, I knew she was the one who put those stigmata in that little whore's wrists. She gave me the heebie-jeebies from the get-go, and then I remembered where I've seen her before. She was the creepy housekeeper from that horrible Nicole Kidman movie where she's dead but doesn't know it. I just knew that nun was up to no good!

Now, I swore that I'd never get sucked into a soap opera again after the summer I spent watching General Hospital at my grandmother's house. But what's this? Liz tells Christian she's terminated her pregnancy because their baby won't have his father's good looks, and Christian turns to Liz and says, "Is that all I am to you, a pretty face?" — Grandma! You better get in here, it's getting good! — Daniel R. Coleridge is on assignment. Today's column was written by Daniel Roberts.