Brooklyn Nine-Nine went where it's never gone before: jail! Well, members of the Nine-Nine haven't been in jail yet, but that all changed with the Season 5 premiere as Jake (Andy Samberg) and Diaz (Stephanie Beatriz) were well into serving their sentences for being framed for the bank robbery in the Season 4 finale.
But who's having the worst time in jail? Let's break down what happened in the premiere to get the answer! (Short answer: It's Jake, by a lot.)
Jake, who was in the Jericho Supermax Prison in South Carolina, was sharing a cell with a cannibal named Caleb (Tim Meadows) who would rather be defined by his passion for woodworking than the fact that he ate nine kids. Fair enough. Though in protective custody and away from the general prison population because ex-cops are big targets in jail, Jake still needed to mingle with the regular prisoners to get a smuggled phone. Enter Romero (Lou Diamond Phillips), who got him the phone, but the prison warden caught wind of Jake having contraband (instant ramen) in his cell and threw him into GenPop, where his patchy beard would not scare off would-be attackers.
He then tried and failed to join a bunch of gangs for protection (and even got rejected by his "safety gang"), so he turned to his last hope: Romero. Luckily, a ramen tip changed the way Romero ate ramen so Jake was in... after he killed a guard who Romero didn't like. Jake negotiated a way to get it down to getting the guard fired, but the warden caught Jake setting the guard up and had a new proposal for him: be an inside man in Romero's group and snitch on him. Yep, Jake's time in prison sucked. At least it was funny for us!
Meanwhile, at the Phillip Edwards Correctional Facility in Connecticut, Diaz was mostly just bored by jail. She incited riots to win favor with the prisoners and had a list of things she needed to take care of in the real world — like moving her furniture into storage or canceling her cable — which Holt (Andre Braugher) and Terry (Terry Crews) took care of. But in the end, we found out that she was just bored and lonely in jail, and set these annoying tasks on Holt and Terry so they would treat her like a normal person instead of with kid gloves. Still, her jail time seems to be going a lot better than Jake's.
But to be honest, the person having the hardest time with all of this is Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio), who misses his BFF so much that he's dreaming about him coming back for some bud hugs. Poor Boyle, the justice system really let him down.
At least jail is great for us, as Brooklyn Nine-Nine's Season 5 premiere proved once again that it's still one of the best network comedies on TV today.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Tuesday nights at 9:30/8:30c on Fox.