Valentine's Day finally has passed, but we're still down in the dumps — and not just because our mailbox saw less traffic than a multiplex showing a Bennifer film festival, either. We can't get over the fact that Barbie gave the heave-ho to longtime companion Ken! However, we are determined to make peace with the breakup, for ourselves as well as for you, our loyal readers. So, to that end, we rang up the living doll intent on asking what's to become of the broken-hearted.
TV Guide Online: Barbie, are you out of your freakin' mind, dumping Ken?! The guy hasn't gained an ounce in... well, ever! He's buff! He's even shiny! What were you thinking? Is this because he wouldn't marry you? Is it because he's really gay? What's going on?
Barbie: Oh, I agree; Ken is a wonderful guy! I wouldn't have stayed with him for 43 years if he weren't such a great, dedicated boyfriend. The fact of the matter is that we just finished wrapping our fourth movie together, Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper (due out this fall), and the toll of production was really hard on our relationship. Unfortunately, the flame of romance had gone out, and I didn't want to go through Valentine's Day under any false pretense. This breakup is sad for me, too. In fact, I am taking some time to heal and hang out with friends and family at the Malibu beach house.
TVGO: Funny — our invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. No matter. Two-part question: Rumor has it that, even before you and Ken called it quits, you had begun seeing some guy named Blaine. First of all, is it true? And second, Aussie accents are sexy and all, but as Jon Cryer said in Pretty in Pink, "Blaine?! What kind of a name is Blaine?"
Barbie: That is completely untrue — I have never dated Blaine, and he is certainly not my boyfriend now. I would never even think about being untrue to the man who has stood by my side for 43 years. That would be dishonest, not to mention disrespectful! Blaine is the brother of my new friend, Summer, so I just met the guy, for goodness sake! We're just friends. Now, as I recall, the Blaine from Pretty in Pink was a hottie and ended up with Molly Ringwald!
TVGO: If you can call Andrew McCarthy a hottie. Now then, you're about to get a major makeover. Can we expect any piercings? Maybe a tasteful tattoo?
Barbie: They say that the best makeovers come after a major breakup — just look at Uma and Nicole! I hope that everyone likes the new look my stylists at Mattel have given me. I told them I wanted to go back to my fun, laid-back California roots, but don't expect any strange piercings or tattoos.
TVGO: Bummer. Moving on... Not that you aren't a master thespian yourself, but if there were going to be a movie of your life, and for some unimaginable reason they didn't want you to play yourself, who should get the part — Heather Locklear, Charlize Theron or Jessica Simpson?
Barbie: Although I respect all of those women, I just don't know what actress I would recommend play me at this point. I think I'll leave that up to you Hollywood experts.
TVGO: Strawberry Shortcake, this could be your lucky day! Just kidding... You've worn so many hats in your career as an icon — businesswoman, stewardess, supermodel... Which one best reflects your true personality?
Barbie Yes, I have had over 80 careers and worn many hats over these past 45 years, but no one career reflects my true personality — they all do!
TVGO: At last, the truth is told — Barbie's real name is Sybil! No, just kidding again! You've got such a killer bod, Barbie, that some women insist that you're not real. Why not set them straight by revealing your diet and exercise regime? Go ahead and admit it — you wake up on a treadmill, don't you?!
Barbie: Oh, stop! I am very flattered, but in reality, being sculpted of plastic at only 11-and-a-half inches tall, there is nothing too secret about staying this way — just talk to the team of designers who keep me looking so great year after year! For all those folks out there looking for tips on staying fit, I say get your own team of genius designers, and you, too, will look incredible!
TVGO: Will do. Finally, Barbie, some people — I don't want to mention any names... OK, it was Skipper! — say you're a big phony. Care to respond?
Barbie: As I've learned throughout my many careers, especially in Hollywood, you can't please everyone!