Nobody really wanted more Tia-Colton-Chris drama on Bachelor in Paradise, but that's what we got. The three worst people (and by worst I mean least interesting to me personally) currently in Paradise dominated Monday's episode, and it was a drag. I just wanted to hang out with Jordan and my girl Yuki from Bachelor Winter Games, who arrived to help Wells bartend.
The episode started with Chris and the boys confronting Colton about his bad intentions with Tia. Chris had lost his voice, which made him even less enjoyable to listen to. But then Colton really messed up and admitted he was still in love with Becca. As soon as he said that, I knew his time in Paradise was limited.
You know what's a good reference? Kenny going "lemme holla at you, hollahollahollaholla."
Jordan was trying to have a nice time with Annaliese, but then David had to go and sabotage it, telling her that Jordan wasn't there for the right reasons. I hate this guy. Worst guy on the show. Keep your eyes on your paper, dude! "I don't want to see you get hurt," he said, like the most disingenuous person in the United States of America who doesn't work in the White House. OH YEAH, I WENT THERE.
But you know what? Jordan took Annaliese out to dinner and kissed her, so shout-out to him.
Kenny took Krystal to a lucha libre match, and when the heel started leering at Krystal, he was like "I might gotta take my shirt off" and jumped in the ring and wrestled the guy. Production loves Kenny. This is the second time since he was on Rachel's season that he's gotten a wrestling feature, and he wrestled then, too. ABC is trying to help the Pretty Boy Pitbull get a WWE gig.
While Kenny was off with Krystal, Kevin and Astrid started to fall for each other. Cute!
And then after that nice Colton and Tia-free time, it came back, with everyone telling Tia she needs to move on and blah blah blah. I zoned out and started watching the music video for "Run" by Ghostface Killah featuring Jadakiss after I linked to it above.
It was almost time for the first rose ceremony of the season. The girls were giving the roses to guys, so it was time for the uncoupled bros to make last-ditch efforts to connect. Nick struck out with Chelsea again. Grocery Joe and Kendall are cute together, but Venmo John also likes Kendall! She made out with both of them. Girl's got options.
Tia and Colton having a serious conversation about Colton keeping Tia in his back pocket was no fun. He told her he didn't want her to see him exploring his options with other people. She told him he was full of sh--. She was mad that he didn't feel any type of way about Tia kissing Chris. If she cared so much about Colton, why didn't she reach out to him in the month between him leaving The Bachelorette and coming to Paradise? Ugh, I hate this soooo muuuuch. They kept comparing themselves to Dean and Kristina, but this was harder to watch, because Dean was at least honestly conflicted about his feelings toward Kristina and couldn't control his behavior. There was real emotion there. Colton and Tia feels forced.
Anyway, Tia decided she didn't want Colton, which put Colton in a tough position because no other girl wants to date Colton with Tia around. And the other guys are talking trash. Colton's dragonfly shirt is cool, though!
Then it was time for the rose ceremony. Krystal gave to Kenny. Astrid gave to Kevin. Tia gave to Chris. "I don't want to brag, because that's not me, but it feels good to be on top," Chris gloated. What a jerk. Chelsea gave to David. Angela, Colton's last hope, gave to Venmo John. But then, TWIST! Bibiana gave her rose to Colton. She's not feeling anyone, so she just gave it to him to give him another shot. She chose him over Wills, who rules. Why are people not choosing Wills? Wills must be too quiet.
So more Tia and Colton drama is coming. THANKS A LOT, BIBI. THANKS A LOT, PRODUCERS.
(I think Bibi looks like Jenny Slate, so this is a really good GIF.)
Chris Harrison called a meeting and said that somebody was going to change everyone's perspective. We already knew from the commercials that it was Becca. She was there to talk to her girlfriends in a totally natural and unforced way. The guys were sent away, but they all immediately knew it was Becca. They know that the Colton-Tia drama is swallowing the show. Colton was so upset that he felt sick to his stomach and cried. I actually felt bad for the guy. He got a raw deal. He and Tia are both wrong, but the show acted like only he was wrong. He admitted he wasn't ready to be here. He thought he was, but he was wrong.
Colton opened up to David, of all people, about how he couldn't do it anymore. Becca went to talk to him, and then the episode ended. NOOOOO, CLIFFHANGER! DON'T DO THIS!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.