Spoilers forAmerican Horror Story: Roanokepast this point.
Last week of American Horror Story: Roanoke, the Miller family faced the unimaginable: a ridiculous amount of pigs, pig men, and also self-ambulating pig tails. Also the loss of a child, I GUESS. But things ratcheted up exponentially in the show within a show that is My Roanoke Nightmare, as the "real" Millers -- Shelby (Lily Rabe), Matt (Andre Holland) and his sister Lee (Adina Porter) -- told the story of what happened at the creepy old haunted house they just can't leave for some metaphorical reason.
The Faux-Millers, i.e. the actor reenacting what "really" happened to the Millers -- Shelby (Sarah Paulson), Matt (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) and Lee (Angela Bassett) -- dealt with an insane pilgrim ghost played by Kathy Bates, a Piggy Man (TBD), and a crazy old writer who discovered two murderous ghost-nurses (Denis O'Hare). Oh, and a potentially villainous other ghost named Priscilla stole Lee's daughter Flora, who Lee had also kidnapped.
Needless to say, things are getting real complicated, real quick... And they didn't calm down at all this episode. Here's every big moment on "Chapter 3."
Are We Out Of The Woods?
Picking up where we left off, with Flora's hoodie approximately 4 billion feet in the air at the top of a tree, Lee and Co. begin a search for the lost little girl in the forest. Naturally, since everyone has had horrible experiences in the forest, they decide to split up -- again -- and take a section of the woods for themselves.
Lee makes the first terrifying discovery, a torn apart doll slathered in blood with a pig's head and pig's legs, because really, there are so many pigs in this show. They find another doll, which leads them to a house filled with rotten food, which leads them to a barn filled with -- I kid you not -- dirty feral children suckling at the teets of a pig, sarcastically repeating "Flora" back at our heroes.
Anyway, at least this time they're probably not ghosts?
Won't Someone Think Of The Children?
Given all the, you know, evidence and stuff, the Mountain Men who got outbid for the creepy mansion get blamed for abducting Flora -- they seem to have been fine leaving the two children alone, since they're so adept at doing Chris Kattan's Mr. Peepers character from Saturday Night Live -- and the Millers pick up the search themselves.
Or at least, they sort of do... Until a body is discovered in the woods. Only thing, it's not Flora's body: it's Lee's ex-husband Mason, who was burned to a crisp. Once again, they're gonna blame those poor Mountain Men... But they're definitely the good guys, right? Nobody who raises their kids to be Kattaniacs can be that bad, right?
The Millers immediately start doubting Lee, since she was conveniently outside when Mason was killed. But their argument is short lived, as they're interrupted by a famous psychic named Cricket (Leslie Jordan) who is skilled in finding children. He figures out that Flora isn't just not dead, she's with Priscilla, instantly making him the smartest person introduced on this show so far.
Or at least, you'd think so... Holding a seance, Cricket doesn't find Priscilla; he finds Kathy Bates -- which is usually a good thing unless you're in the About Schmidt hot tub, but here she's a an evil spirit named The Butcher. And that's when Cricket pulls out ye olde "Croatoan!" shouting the magic word introduced in American Horror Story's first season to banish spirits. Side note: this was the only word left, IRL, on a tree after the entire Roanoke colony disappeared in 1590, and nobody has ever figured out what it meant.
Anyway, Cricket demands $25k to find Flora, Lee refuses, pulls a gun, and then changes her mind. But more importantly...
Break The Wall
...The fourth wall gets broken: "Real" Lee gets upset when the interviewer behind the camera (Evan Peters, in voice only) on My Roanoke Nightmare -- who we haven't seen or heard before -- starts asking about a tragedy from her past. Lee stalks off camera, and we get a wider shot of the set she's on. Yes, we also find out more about The Butcher and her origin story; but for the over-all game American Horror Story is playing this season, this errant shot of a boom guy is way more interesting.
Of course, the show isn't ready to pull back the curtain on the show within the show yet, so it's back to the origin of The Butcher and the "real" story of Roanoke. Standing up to the patriarchy, The Butcher was thrown in an iron maiden and abandoned in the woods. She was saved by Lady Gaga cosplaying as The Enchantress from Suicide Squad, and The Butcher returned to Roanoke to wreak her terrible vengeance. That's pretty much it.
In the present, Cricket confronts The Butcher in the woods, trying to trade leaving this stupid haunted house for getting Flora back. Lee adds they'll burn the house down, which makes Shelby super upset, because all told she's having a really nice time here. That's when she notices Matt is missing. Turns out, he's in the woods having sex with Lady Gaga while the Mountain Men watch and masturbate.
Don't worry, there's an eviscerated pig corpse right nearby, so check that box on your AHS bingo card.
Matt doesn't remember what happened, Shelby is pissed, and Lee gets arrested... But ultimately we've got more questions than answers: why did Croatoan work for Cricket, when it didn't work in Season 1? What's up with the interview format? Who is Lady Gaga's character? And will everybody stop wandering in the woods alone all the time? Guess we'll have to stay tuned to find out.
American Horror Story: Roanoke airs every Wednesday at 10/9c on FX.