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Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episodes
Season 9 Episode Guide
24 Episodes 2011 - 2012
Episode 1
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Mon, Sep 19, 201130 mins
Despite Alan's best efforts, Charlie's funeral is as unworthy as his "accidental" demise in Paris after Rose caught him cheating on her. Evelyn is only interested in a commission on selling the beach house and won't keep Alan for long. Luckily, Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, as handsome and irresistible as Charlie, stumbles in after a failed suicide attempt over his divorce. He buys the place and generously offers to let Alan and Jake stay "a month, tops" in exchange for some help. Berta can't believe her luck: her new boss is even richer than Charlie, as undemanding, more handsome, and repeatedly naked. Alan discovers the downside: Walden also gets the girls even without trying.
Episode 2
People Who Love Peepholes
Mon, Sep 26, 201130 mins
Walden has bought the beach house and re-hired Berta, but he feels lonely and trusts Alan enough to ask his advice on how to try to win back his ex-wife Bridget. Alan already feels very unwelcome at Evelyn's and eagerly extracts as counter-favor the chance to move back in with Jake. Alan braves Walden's semi-suicidal driving and, against his better judgment, joins "breaking into" the Schmidt mansion, only to hear Bridget say she gave Walden 15 years of chances to grow up. The new buddies seek consolation in alcohol and wake up naked together after night-time skinny-dipping.
Episode 3
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
Mon, Oct 3, 201130 mins
Alan finally gets a standing invitation to love with Walden as reward for advice on how to handle a dinner with Bridget. Judith drops off Jake without even phoning in advance. Walden however has no problem with a knavish extra guest, who seizes Alan's guest-room bed. Jake looks up to the handsome billionaire, but misunderstands Walden having skipped high-school, where he was bored, to MIT for leaving school. To Alan's horror, Jake assumes his bad results also stem from excessive IQ. Bridget's belittling attitude at dinner makes painfully clear Walden's marriage is beyond salvation.
Episode 4
Nine Magic Fingers
Mon, Oct 10, 201130 mins
After the disastrous dinner, Walden realizes that his chances of patching things up with Bridget are negligible. Alan abuses his hospitality to bring over his best ex Lyndsey and Berta brings over her own beau. Alan convinces Walden to start looking for girls in bars; to his horror but Jake's frustrated delight, Charlie's leech-like gold-digger flame Courtney hooks Walden.
Episode 5
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
Mon, Oct 17, 201130 mins
Alan tries to cure Walden's divorce grief with alcohol and cable porn. Thus they discover that Lyndsey has starred in such a revealing production. Alan first mounts his high horse, then overdoes 'letting her off' by admitting his own moral deviations, hence ends up dumped. Walden meanwhile seeks simpler comfort in baking sweet stuff, but Berta spikes a cake. To cheer up Alan, he throws a libertine party, unknowing Lyndsey is coming to give Alan another chance. Walden prevents her finding Alan 'anughty', yet he repeats his excessive honesty.
Episode 6
The Squat and the Hover
Mon, Oct 24, 201130 mins
Walden feels it's time for a new start and a move to New York when he's served with divorce papers. Alan can't afford to lose his free ride again, so he convinces Walden to consult Charlie's therapist, Dr. Linda Freeman. She smells her own thrice-a-week meal ticket but saves Alan's bacon. Both housemates' spirits are lifted at a bar where they bump into Bridget Schmidt's lookalike Danny and her lesbian partner, out for some bi fun.
Episode 7
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
Mon, Oct 31, 201130 mins
Having given up on his marriage, Walden decides to redecorate and hires greedy Evelyn, who, like Alan warned, ends up in bed with the hunk. Alan gets obsessed with Charlie's journal, revealing but also feeding his somewhat correct suspicion that there must be a hidden fortune. Jake concentrates on foxy "tutor" Megan, who--alas--only has eyes for Walden.
Episode 8
Thank You for the Intercourse
Mon, Nov 7, 201130 mins
As part of his divorce closure and start of a new single dating life, Walden redecorates the beach house. When Charlie's piano is taken away, already jealous Alan also turns melancholic and ends up incarnating his dearly missed brother, getting drunk and picking up girls as Charlie, down to his name and Bermudas. Jake feels insecure, squashed between two fellow losers turning into Charlies.
Episode 9
Frodo's Headshots
Mon, Nov 14, 201130 mins
Just released after long mental therapy in a strict "stress clinic", Alan's life quickly turns nightmarish again: On the ride home, he learns that Jake sired Megan's baby and Walden took his place as Lyndsey's lover and packed his bags. When Evelyn pretends she isn't home, Alan must spend the night in the storage Walden arranged for his possessions. Then the cards are reshuffled again.
Episode 10
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
Mon, Nov 21, 201130 mins
Walden asks a girl out, but on their date he just can't help but talk about his failed marriage, making his date wonder if he's ready to move on. Meanwhile, Alan is in the red financially and Walden gives him his wedding ring because he wants to move on. Alan considers selling it, then reconsiders.
Episode 11
What a Lovely Landing Strip
Mon, Dec 5, 201121 mins
Despite her vain protestation, a frivolous dinner flight by private jet to Guadalajara wins Zoey completely for Walden, who feels ready commit to her and sign his divorce. Just then Bridget turns up, claiming she wants to give their 15 years old relationship a last change. Alan now gives advice based on his determination to keep his residence.
Episode 12
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
Mon, Dec 12, 201122 mins
Walden and Zoey are now so comfortable in and out of bed that he gets her to agree to inviting their surviving parents. Her RAF-retired father Edward and mother Sharon remain calmly tolerant despite everything. Jake stays with his buddy Eldridge and grandma avoided inviting Alan, so Walden takes pity on him once more. Walden's mother, zoological researcher Robin, is startled when their conversation reveals a secret from Walden's early childhood, being raised with a brother who actually was a gorilla.
Episode 13
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
Mon, Jan 2, 201221 mins
Walden wants to steer his company into new investments, but is blocked within the board by his vindictive ex Bridget and his own mother Robin, whom she bribed with doubled primate research funds. However, Walden's British lover Zoey finds a way out in the company bylaws: the founder can name an additional board member and cast the deciding vote. Looking for a spineless pawn, Walden chooses Alan, who is delighted with the $50,000 annual fee and boardroom treats. Then Bridget and Robin try to bribe Alan with a Porsche and intimate attention.
Episode 14
A Possum on Chemo
Mon, Jan 16, 201221 mins
Walden is surprised that after happy months with Zoey, she suddenly wants him to shave and have a haircut so he can accompany her to a law-firm office party. Alan warns that this kind of concession only leads to more and more, and Walden retracts his promise, then finds that he and Zoey are prepared to give in. Meanwhile, Eldridge and Jake try to get rid of Alan by telling him that Lyndsey's hot new boyfriend is gay; Alan rushes over to win her back and hears them engaged most heterosexually--yet his luck changes, and against his own advice to Walden, he even admits that he's willing to concede endlessly.
Episode 15
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
Mon, Feb 6, 201222 mins
Walden feels Zoey doesn't truly enjoy sex with him and lets Alan convince him that's a bad sign. After a painful episodes in both senses to prevent her daughter Avan, whom she was reluctant even to present, finding them in bed, Walden hesitantly tries Berta's space brownies, which get him high, Zoey almost paranoid. Jake and Eldrigde also had a batch, so they keep looking for Zoey for a $100 reward long after she sobers up. After Ava's English father Nigel drops her unexpectedly, Walden wins her over in a single zoo visit. That also proves the key to overcome Zoey's sexual insecurity.
Episode 16
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
Mon, Feb 13, 201220 mins
Walden and Alan can't prevent their girlfriends from starting a bitching war after commoner Lyndsey's vicious reaction to a snob remark from socialite Oxford graduate Zoey. A mudslide during a rainstorm locks them in the beach house on Valentine's Day. Walden does well to appease Zoey in bed, but Alan's verbal bungling enrages Lindsey further, leading to a fake-orgasm shouting contest. The boys flee on an errand despite the torrent just to avoid the war zone. Ironically, while they nearly drown, the girls sanctimoniously make up.
Episode 17
Not in My Mouth!
Mon, Feb 20, 201220 mins
Zoey's repeated inability to replay to Walden's sweet "I love you", either when they fear his private jet might crash or just using a hurry as an excuse, convinces him, against Alan's soothing advice, that she doesn't, so he dates Jennifer, the first fox he meets in an elevator. Lyndsey's drinking gets excessive, and her vomiting becomes a cause of incessant disgust for everyone in the beach house. even her vomiting a cause of incessant disgust for everyone in the beach-house. Walden eventually discovers the root of Zoey's attitude.
Episode 18
The War Against Gingivitis
Mon, Feb 27, 201222 mins
Alan is appalled when Walden shows him the utterly abusive YouTube posts that his former business partner Billy Stanhope keeps posting. Still, a relatively small bribe suffices for Alan to let him in. Walden's fury over such disloyalty is soon overtaken by Billy's Internet project that could make them another fortune. Even Jake shrugs his head conscendingly at the sight of the cocky rivals' petty dueling over everything. Meanwhile, superfluous Alan naïvely offers a friendly service to Berta, who doesn't hesitate to charge him with a perilous debt-payment delivery.
Episode 19
Palmdale, Ech
Mon, Mar 19, 201222 mins
Walden takes pity on dating-clueless Jake and Eldrigde, even volunteering to drive the knaves to their high school party rather than lending them his luxury car, only to find the boneheads hopelessly ill-prepared. So the trio gets lost, but Walden offers an alternative. Meeting Lydnsey's parasitic, sanctimoniously implied-critical mother and decides to present her to his, unsuspecting they quickly forge an eerie cahoots bond.
Episode 20
Grandma's Pie
Mon, Apr 9, 201222 mins
Walden enjoys Zoe's return all night--until she hears about his multi-billion-dollar partnership with both his exes and turns jealous. Walden can only soothe her by asking her to move in and bring her daughter Ava, which might mean that the Harpers would need to relocate, maybe to Lyndsey's home. Lyndsey and Alan dread attending their mothers' housewarming dinner; luckily, Eldridge and Jake remain clueless about the intimate nature of their grannies' living arrangement.
Episode 21
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
Mon, Apr 16, 201230 mins
As a trial run for becoming a household, Walden invites Zoey and her daughter Ava to stay for a week. Ava adores her potential stepfather, but as Berta predicted, the spoiled-rotten kid exhausts him relentlessly to utter despair--while Zoey enjoys "sweet freedom." Alan already dreaded moving out, but he couldn't guess the constant, positively dangerous misery he encounters at Lyndsey's.
Episode 22
Why We Gave Up Women
Mon, Apr 30, 201222 mins
Although Ava's exhausting stay-over convinced Walden that he would be better off living with Alan, he dares not tell Zoey he changed his mind and lets them move in. Alan promises to move out but has a conspicuously conveniently-timed cardiac crisis. Hospitalized as Walden's male partner, Alan gets a visit from Charlie, incarnated in a crone as a Hell sentence, who convinces kid brother that it's time to man up and stop depending on others. By the time he realized that it was just a cruel prank, he's living in a rat-hole room, but resorts to his earlier trick again.
Episode 23
The Straw in My Donut Hole
Mon, May 7, 201222 mins
Alan decides to take advantage of his family's and Walden's guilt after his heart attack, but Zoe knows that he's just milking it and sets out to prove it.
Episode 24
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Mon, May 14, 201222 mins
Jake and Eldridge finally graduate, but have neither skills nor ambition. Against Walden's warning how useless and dangerous the knaves are, when Alan comes begging for jobs for them, Walden's business partner Billy Stanhope insists on hiring them just to mind the servers farm. Alas, their porn addiction ends up bringing in a major virus. Just fired, they become easy prey for the military-recruiting sergeant, so he becomes Alan's next opponent.