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Two and a Half Men

Episodes

24 Episodes 2003 - 2004

The life of affluent, carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen) is thrown off-kilter when his tightly wound chiropractor brother, Alan (Jon Cryer), and Alan's 10-year-old son, Jake (Angus T. Jones), come to live with him at his beach house\ indefinitely in the aftermath of Alan's failed marriage to Judith (Marin Hinkle). Charlie is an unabashed womanizer and Alan is insecure and unlucky in love. While as opposite as brothers can be, they're united in the fact that they each deal with dysfunction, courtesy of their overbearing mother, Evelyn (Holland Taylor), who drops in occasionally to remind them of how much they loathe her. Also dropping in (well, breaking in) is Charlie's head case of a neighbor and personal stalker, Rose (Melanie Lynskey), a one-night stand from his past who doesn't quite grasp the "one-night" concept. The ensemble is rounded out by Berta (Conchata Ferrell), Charlie's gruff housekeeper. Season 1 follows the brothers' adjustment to each other and the new situation, exemplified by two memorable episodes, one in which Charlie has to be a "parent" when Jake lets seagulls into the house; and another showing Alan's horror over Charlie's influence when Jake draws a tattoo he saw on one of Charlie's girlfriends. In a fun nod to Sheen's personal and professional lives, Denise Richards (Sheen's ex-wife) and Heather Locklear (a "Spin City" costar) appear in separate episodes. Other memorable guests include Teri Hatcher, Chris O'Donnell and Jenna Elfman.

Episode 1

Pilot Episode

Mon, Sep 22, 2003 30 mins

Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 1 image

Episode 2

Big Flappy Bastards

Mon, Sep 29, 2003 30 mins

Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 2 image

Episode 3

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Mon, Oct 6, 2003 30 mins

Jake wants to go home to his mother after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 3 image

Episode 4

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

Mon, Oct 13, 2003 30 mins

Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 4 image

Episode 5

The Last Thing You Want to Do Is Wind Up With a Hump

Mon, Oct 20, 2003 30 mins

Alan and Charlie have encounters with some highly libidinous soccer mothers, but with two very different outcomes.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 5 image

Episode 6

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Mon, Oct 27, 2003 30 mins

The guys go to Evelyn's house to meet the new man she's dating, and Charlie realises the man's daughter is a woman he's trying to avoid.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 6 image

Episode 7

If They Do Go Either Way They're Usually Fake

Mon, Nov 3, 2003 30 mins

Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 7 image

Episode 8

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-ful

Mon, Nov 10, 2003 30 mins

Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 8 image

Episode 9

Phase One, Complete

Mon, Nov 17, 2003 30 mins

Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 9 image

Episode 10

Merry Thanksgiving

Mon, Nov 24, 2003 30 mins

Denise Richards plays Charlie's engaged old love. Realising he's losing someone special, Charlie plans a Thanksgiving dinner to convince her he's a family guy and that she should be with him.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 10 image

Episode 11

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Mon, Dec 15, 2003 30 mins

When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 11 image

Episode 12

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Mon, Jan 5, 2004 30 mins

Berta's granddaughter spends the day at Charlie's, which isn't a problem until he learns she's a beautiful, rebellious 16-year-old.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 12 image

Episode 13

Sarah Like Puny Alan

Mon, Jan 12, 2004 30 mins

Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 13 image

Episode 14

I Can't Afford Hyenas

Mon, Feb 2, 2004 30 mins

Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 14 image

Episode 15

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Mon, Feb 9, 2004 30 mins

Jenna Elfman plays a mysterious, slightly crazed woman whom Charlie invites to stay at the house until she can settle some family problems.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 15 image

Episode 16

That Was Saliva, Alan

Mon, Feb 16, 2004 30 mins

Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 16 image

Episode 17

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Mon, Feb 23, 2004 30 mins

Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 17 image

Episode 18

An Old Flame With a New Wick

Mon, Mar 1, 2004 30 mins

Chris O'Donnell plays one of Charlie's ex-girlfriends, who is now a man. It gets better: He starts dating Evelyn (Holland Taylor), who's clueless about his past history with her son. Leanne: Rebecca McFarland. Berta: Conchata Ferrel.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 18 image

Episode 19

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

Mon, Mar 22, 2004 30 mins

Judith's devious siren sister (Teri Hatcher) stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own. Judith: Marin Hinkle. Evelyn: Holland Taylor. Rose: Melanie Lynskey.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 19 image

Episode 20

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark?

Mon, Apr 19, 2004 30 mins

Jake's sullen mood baffles and bothers the family and prompts Alan and Judith to take him to a child psychologist (Jane Lynch). Vicki: Amanda Tosch. Jake: Angus T. Jones. Berta: Conchata Ferrell. Judith: Marin Hinkle.

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Episode 21

No Sniffing, No Wowing

Mon, May 3, 2004 30 mins

Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer (Heather Locklear), who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario. Crystal: Alana De La Garza. Stuart: Marc Grapey.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 21 image

Episode 22

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

Mon, May 10, 2004 30 mins

When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure. Dr. Linda Freeman: Jane Lynch. Darlene: Amanda Swisten. Annette: Jamie Day.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 22 image

Episode 23

Just Like Buffalo

Mon, May 17, 2004 30 mins

When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.

Where to Watch
Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 23 image

Episode 24

Can You Feel My Finger?

Mon, May 24, 2004 30 mins

Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V", and we're not talking Vegas.

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Two and a Half Men, Season 1 Episode 24 image