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Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episodes
Season 5 Episode Guide
19 Episodes 2007 - 2008
Episode 1
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
Mon, Sep 24, 200721 mins
Charlie is plagued by a terribly and 'intimate' itchy rash (privates is inappropriate for him, as Alan points out). Now Jake is finally allowed to junior high school, Alan 'prepares' him by making him a target of ridicule, not bullying. Alas Alan and Charlie pull out too many horror stories, so Jake finds his own safe 'solution'. Charlie mocks Alan's constant cowardliness, stirring him to a single, soon regretted act of ill-considered bravery.
Episode 2
Media Room Slash Dungeon
Mon, Oct 1, 200722 mins
Alan walks into Evelyn's trap, so Charlie gets recruited as her male escort instead of spending the evening with his latest girlfriend Mitzi. However, Charlie enjoys learning how she works the high-end real estate market. Alan's night alone with Sharon goes wrong because of her near-suicidal self-image. It gets worse--but not for everyone--when Charlie breaks his promise not to date a top client's adulterous wife.
Episode 3
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
Mon, Oct 8, 200722 mins
Jake becomes an insufferable cellphone-junkie. Tired of meaningless floozies, Charlie decides after a particularly dumb one to double-date with Alan's friend. Charlie nearly freaks out learning that Linda is a municipal judge and law professor. Soon he can't resist the challenge, even if that sets him on a bumpy course for embarrassment.
Episode 4
City of Great Racks
Mon, Oct 15, 200722 mins
Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns: dog walker, bartender and house keeper. Dr. Freeman says that he is only imagining Rose because he is afraid to grow up. Reflecting on that, Charlie ends up on the next flight to London to find out if Rose is still truly there. Charlie does indeed find her and they go out for a drink at the local pub, where she asks for commitment in a relationship, scaring Charlie back to California as he is already in one. After Charlie and Rose leave to the pub, wigs and costumes in her apartment reveal this was part of Rose's scheme.
Episode 5
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
Mon, Oct 22, 200722 mins
Going through the bills, Alan panics because Charlie hasn't had a jingle commission in months and admits that business is slow and may not change. Therefore Alan accepts $1,000 a week as a test person for an experimental drug, despite a terrible list of side effects, and soon finds he's not in the control group. Charlie however keeps spending, especially on his latest girlfriend, Linda Harris. Linda brings along her adolescent son Brandon, who proves quite a handful when he agrees to babysit. Charlie's child skills surprise everyone as he pours his artists creativity into the job, such as musical tunes to make the boy eat his food.
Episode 6
Help Daddy Find His Toenail
Mon, Oct 29, 200722 mins
Alan refuses to let a 17 year-old mate drive Jake to a rock concert. Yet Evelyn takes their kid's side, which inspires him to sneak out the window. Charlie is angry his bed mate judge Linda didn't tell him about a political award dinner, so he gets invited to attend her big day. Alas, Evelyn accidentally slips him not a tranquilizer but a hallucinogen. It becomes a weird night for everyone, including Jake, whom he tries to help sneaking back in, and Alan who catches them.
Episode 7
Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
Mon, Nov 5, 200721 mins
Alan's arrogant decision to place a cheap, flashy bowl he bought in a prominent place is the last straw for Charlie, who reminds him of his place as the guest. Alan claims it wasn't a home until he and Jake moved in. He leaves, but has nowhere to go and lands at Evelyn's door. She doesn't want an audience while she plays love games with Teddy, so the unwilling host tries lies and worse to reunite the brothers.
Episode 8
Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
Mon, Nov 12, 200720 mins
Alan and Jake hardly take notice of Charlie's success on TV as singing children's idol "Charlie Waffles", but a flow of fat checks awakens fraternal envy. Yet, when manager Bob "Artie" Pliskin enforces the contract to make Charlie do the one thing he fears, performing in front of an audience, Alan supports him, only to become jealous again after seeing that even a drunk Charlie's partially scatological repertoire scores with his adoring audience.
Episode 9
Tight's Good
Mon, Nov 19, 200721 mins
At ma Evelyn's engagement party, her fiancé Teddy makes Charlie promise to stay away from his foxy daughter, wicked luxury car salesperson Courtney. However that vixen successfully seduces and screws Charlie, for a change - and for a fair fortune.
Episode 10
Kinda Like Necrophilia
Mon, Nov 26, 200722 mins
Charlie's French latest conquest, Gabrielle, makes Alan hornily jealous. So he desperately calls Charity, who dumped him on his prom night, only to learn that it was for Charlie. Jake also was just dumped. Charlie tastes sweet revenge when Gabby dumps Alan for him, but soon gets a bitter aftertaste, with worse to come.
Episode 11
Meander to Your Dander
Mon, Mar 17, 200822 mins
Jake's overt shallowness is insufferable even for Charlie, and taking him along to a restaurant as diversion proves a painful mistake. Alan can only admit he and his latest bedmate have overstayed their sexual interest to his brother. He takes the master's advice on how to dump himself, aware of risks. He dodges them all except an accidental hot coffee pouring were it hurts most, but ends up the looser and feels hurt even worse when a surprising third party arrives.
Episode 12
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
Mon, Mar 24, 200822 mins
Charlie has a killer cold and is feeling miserable but nobody comes to take care of him, until Rose comes back from England. However, Rose talks about eternal care, gives him her pills, and clearly enjoys nursing him entirely too much. After two weeks he feels transformed into a living doll. Meanwhile, Alan feels miserable now that he is the very last person with whom Jake wants to spend time.
Episode 13
The Soil is Moist
Mon, Mar 31, 200820 mins
Charlie correctly predicts that Cynthia Sullivan, a friend of Judith and Alan while they were married, will even go for Alan. Alas, born loser Alan can't help stressing about her remark that Judith considers Herb her best lover ever, even imagining that the couple are observing his performance.
Episode 14
Winky-Dink Time
Mon, Apr 14, 200822 mins
Alan is through with disastrous 'romantic' dates, so he gets Charlie to find him a cheap, but classy, hooker. Jake can only get a date with young Milly by agreeing to a double-date with her mother and reluctant Charlie, who can't even remember the mother's name. Alan's lack of sexual self-confidence wrecks even Alexis' professional routine.
Episode 15
Rough Night in Hump Junction
Mon, Apr 21, 200822 mins
Alan points out that Charlie's serial dating is getting excessive, even by his standards. Even bloody noses from angry husbands and sorely overexerted genitals can't slow Charlie down. Dr. Freeman diagnoses the cause as grief because his ex, Mia, whom he actually loved, is getting married. Charlie's response is to try to "get her back", in the bridal suite, before the wedding.
Episode 16
Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
Mon, Apr 28, 200822 mins
Alan becomes the wedding planner for Evelyn and Teddy, who waives a prenuptial, while the Harper brothers discover their mother is very rich. Teddy finds Charlie, coached by Rose, stalking Courtney. Rose leaves Charlie behind to stalk Teddy herself. Charlie finds himself comforting Teddy's now-broke daughter, Courtney, who has lost her job. The ceremony goes ahead, with preposterous vows scripted by the fifth-time bride.
Episode 17
Fish in a Drawer
Mon, May 5, 200821 mins
While Evelyn still enjoys the wedding reception, Charlie finds her latest husband Teddy dead on bed, pants down and skull smashed. He and Alan have no choice but to inform their mother and call the police, which turns the feast into a murder investigation. The Harpers are treated as suspects, but ultimately learn neither Teddy nor his daughter Charlie's potential bride, were who they seemed to be.
Episode 18
If My Hole Could Talk
Mon, May 12, 200822 mins
Hoping for an earthquake to undo his Shakespeare assignment, Jake left it till the last weekend, without Taming the Shrew. Alan drags him to the bookstore, not that a copy has any chance of actually getting read, however hard he pushes his nitwit son. There Charlie meets and dates mature author Angie, an expert flatterer, who soon 'mothers' the neglected brothers.
Episode 19
Waiting for the Right Snapper
Mon, May 19, 200822 mins
Charlie blatantly rejects his cynical claim that his mother issues compromise his unconsummated relationship with otherwise perfect Angie, which is further jeopardized after he meets her adult son Jeremy's fiance Tricia, realizing she is one of his ex-girlfriends, who can't forget him, but he refuses to take her back, yet is blamed when she still calls off the wedding, part of jealous Alan's plan to sabotage Charlie, whose place he fails to take. Meanwhile, Alan tries to get Jake to study for his Algebra exam, but lazy Jake has other ideas, like scoring above the 67% required to pass is 'waste', never mind being a slacker like his doted uncle, whom Angie also blamed for his openly-realistic view on the incorrigible brat.
