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Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episodes
Season 3 Episode Guide
24 Episodes 2005 - 2006
Episode 1
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
Mon, Sep 19, 200522 mins
Charlie's satellite dish is out of adjustment and he would have just called "the guy" on Monday, but Alan insists on fixing it himself and then falls off the ladder, incurring a series of painful neck, and other, injuries. Charlie insists on taking Jake for the weekend anyhow, but finds the kid masters the art of nagging like a wife. This leads to Charlie driving through L.A. all the way to the ghetto of Watts for a Clucky's chicken dinner and then to the video store for a specific game, where a foxy customer who flirted with him gets scared away, thanks to Jake. Alan is pretty much left alone, suffering countless pains and utter embarrassment.
Episode 2
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
Mon, Sep 26, 200522 mins
Alan is physically crushed by an overweight Black patient who took too many tranquilizer pills and collapses like a mountain chain when Judith calls to pick up Jake from school, so he phones Charlie, who doesn't pick up, being busy with a lover. Alan must cancel a workday to see Jake's principal about his "intolerable" drawing of well-endowed female classmate Barbara. Charlie offers to fill in at Alan's office, grudgingly finding out that he needs to get up at 7 to face 10-mile-an-hour traffic, just to hang around an office and answer calls all day. Charlie follows legally-binding instructions not to touch any patients, but hires a sexy masseuse who soon has men lining up for non-medical "therapy." At Jake's school, Alan manages to antagonize Barbara's equally well-endowed mother and then discovers that the principal has the rack of all terrace-builders' records.
Episode 3
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
Mon, Oct 3, 200522 mins
Charlie discovers Alan isn't interested in new girlfriends because there is only his wicked ex, Judith, with whom he pretends to still be fighting while actually hoping for a reconciliation. Evelyn, Rose and Berta, who don't want Jake to leave if Alan succeeds, join Charlie in attempting to dissuade Alan. Charlie even arranges a sexy alternative, but Alan declines. Judith nearly drowns Alan in the hot tub while hiding their affair from Jake and after a single turn in bed, Alan soon ends up even more miserable and cleaned out.
Episode 4
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
Mon, Oct 10, 200522 mins
Saying her brother Philip is trying detox at her place, maid Berta gets Alan's permission to stay at the Harper brothers' beach-house, and immediately commandeers his room, so dad has to bunk with Jake. Charlie who wasn't consulted at all is even less amused than by his hang-over, so he points out to presumptuous Alan he doesn't charge any rent only to remain sole master in his home, which hits the permanent guest since two years as a cold shower. Having overheard their fraternal row, Berta immediately starts stirring on purpose, telling Alan he deserves a warmer welcome and a better life while encouraging Charlie to demand more respect, hoping to become his live-in house keeper. When Alan threatens to move out, Jake wants to stay as he isn't persona non grata while mother Evelyn, not invited by Charlie either, points out as real estate professional his budget after alimony can barely afford a camping site. Charlie reassures depressed Jake he won't have to move out. Alan bluffs till the last moment, but after carrying his suitcases out literally begs on his knees, having found nowhere else.
Episode 5
We Called It Mr. Pinky
Mon, Oct 17, 200522 mins
Charlie's conquest Colleen wishes him dead for not reciprocating her declaration of love. Alan calls him a misogynist for implicitly counseling Jake not to commit to his bed-partners. Charlie discusses his attitude to women with Rose, who suggests the psychological root cause is his mother. Worse still, this doubt affects his sex-life, so he's ripe to consult mother and try hypnotherapy from Rose.
Episode 6
Hi, Mr. Horned One
Mon, Oct 24, 200522 mins
After Charlie's Gothic latest bed-partner Isabella gets him drunk and hands him over to her Satanist coven, both brothers are scared by sudden and unexpected physical afflictions. After Berta meets Isabella and flees, the Harpers fear her spell and try to rescue Jake too. Salvation comes from someone proven even scarier.
Episode 7
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
Mon, Nov 7, 200522 mins
Charlie wakes up drunk with Rose in his bed, presuming they 'did it' for a second time in two years. The next morning, Charlie makes plans to leave town before Rose wakes up. Alan is all but helpful when Charlie's fear of Rose's revenge begins causing paranoia, based on her past bizarre behavior. The brothers then have an unexpected visitor: Rose's super-rich dad, Harvey. Charlie then learns that Rose told her father they've been dating for two years and Harvey wants to know what Charlie's intentions are with his daughter. Charlie is then relieved when his normally unwelcome mother, Evelyn, shows up "unannounced" and ultimately hits it off romantically with Harvey, who then leaves with her. A few days later, she turns to her sons to help rid her of her now 'live-in' stalker, but ultimately gets that help from an unusual ally.
Episode 8
That Voodoo That I Do Do
Mon, Nov 14, 200522 mins
When Mia shows total disdain for Charlie's overtures, Alan believes he's finally out of his depth, but Charlie can't resist the challenge. He deduces she's a dancer, figures out where she teaches a kids' ballet class, and bribes Jake to join so he can bring the boy as his excuse for being there. Once there, Jake falls for Mia, which is the one problem that even Charlie's charm can't overcome once Mia finally accepts a date with him.
Episode 9
Madame and Her Special Friend
Mon, Nov 21, 200522 mins
Charlie and his extremely rich neighbor, Norma, behave as enemies. Alan, on the other hand, who scorns that his brother's latest willing conquest's IQ is even lower then her age, but treats Norma as a gentleman, wins her favor and enjoys her generosity, despite the lack of romantic interest on his part. In Charlie's analysis he becomes an expensive male gigolo -a comment without any judgment intended- by considering letting her name an alternative therapy center after him. Although it is to be built in Beverly Hills this goes wrong in an unexpected way.
Episode 10
Something Salted and Twisted
Mon, Nov 28, 200522 mins
When neither Charlie nor their mother commends Allan for being named in the local rag as a 'good doctor', he gets drunk. Despite a humongous hangover Alan's resolution is that he will no longer bend over backwards to please women. Charlie attempts to coach him on male self-confidence.
Episode 11
Santa's Village of the Damned
Mon, Dec 19, 200522 mins
When Alan's girlfriend Sandy shows she's not only pretty but also domestic, Charlie warns him she's a 'nester', but he can't resist her cooking either. At Christmas, elaborate decoration by Sandy confirms Charlie's fear, and the worst is yet to come as she focuses her attentions to the minute detail of her efforts and turns dictatorial. The Christmas dinner has many irresistible courses and a long aftertaste.
Episode 12
That Special Tug
Mon, Jan 9, 200622 mins
Charlie tells the psychiatrist how it felt when Jake's eagerness to have a sleep-over at a friend's house pushed Alan to the usual whining and an atypical outburst in a bookstore and again at a movie theater. Next, Alan drags Charlie back to where Jake went and the friend's mother tricks them into 'baby-sitting' a whole band of brats for three hours. By the time Alan calms down, Charlie literally dumps him on the side of the road, then picks him up. At the bar, Charlie uses girls' sympathy to score but is sabotaged by Alan's common sense. And why did Charlie want therapy?
Episode 13
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
Mon, Jan 23, 200622 mins
Charlie has to decide whether he can really commit to a serious relationship with Mia, especially when sex is currently off the agenda. Unsurprisingly, his suggestion that he sleep with other women in the meantime falls on somewhat stony ground.
Episode 14
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
Mon, Feb 6, 200622 mins
Charlie has committed to Mia and after two months they're finally ready for 'consummation' of their mature relationship. Just then, Kandi turns up and drifts to Alan, as Charlie is now off-limits. Everything seems to go wrong whenever Charlie comes close to the carnal deed.
Episode 15
My Tongue Is Meat
Mon, Feb 27, 200622 mins
Forced to hide in his garage to enjoy a brace of beers and half a Cuban cigar, Charlie's attempts to keep his unhealthy lifestyle habits secret from Mia fall apart when she smells bacon on his breath, resulting in their first major argument since taking their relationship to a physical plane.
Episode 16
Ergo, the Booty Call
Mon, Mar 6, 200622 mins
As Jake's twelfth birthday approaches, Alan is still smiling ear-to-ear over his sex life with 22-year-old hottie Kandi, even when he's forced to explain to his son what a "booty call" is. Meanwhile, Jake celebrates with a sip of coffee and a handful of vitamins with a "V" on them, or at least that's what he assumes the blue pills in his dad's bathroom cabinet are. Like Berta says, he's going to need another party hat.
Episode 17
The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
Mon, Mar 13, 200622 mins
At Alan's insistence and to avoid having to escort the daughter of one of his mom's clients, Charlie attends the annual jingle awards ceremony with Alan, his mom and Jake. Although Charlie is nominated, he just knows Archie Baldwin will win for the seventh year in a row, because that pompous ass always gets the sexy products and a good tune for medication like Charlie's clients is never good enough to get a fair chance. Complicating his life, Charlie is forced by Rose, who otherwise will stalk him again, to make her adoring boyfriend, Gordon, give her some private space. However, when that works, she changes her mind.
Episode 18
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
Mon, Mar 20, 200622 mins
Alan finally has an attractive date, 22-year-old Kandi--but she's even dumber than Jake--and, as Charlie rightly points out, girls that age are extremely high-maintenance. Charlie has his fun seeing Alan struggle with the growing pile of bills, driving him to raid Jake's mammoth piggy bank and take a second job as pizza deliverer, but still helps his double-plucked brother when wicked ex Judith insists on alimony. Alas Kandi.
Episode 19
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
Mon, Apr 10, 200622 mins
The Harpers's world is inverted: Charlie's ex, Kandi, of his countless girls about the dumbest, not only became Alan's lover but even says she prefers sex with him and has been living in Charlie's beach house, unnoticed, for three weeks since she was evicted. Charlie has suffered a sexual drought even longer and now even Berta and her cousin in prison somehow begin to look attractive. Judith finds out Kandi moved in and is shocked Jake is exposed to such a floozy. Despite his brother's warning to keep love and business apart, Alan tries Kandi as the receptionist in his chiropractic office, with even worse results than either could imagine.
Episode 20
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
Mon, Apr 24, 200622 mins
Alan is forced to admit to Charlie, who keeps rubbing it in, that he has hit rock-bottom now that his brainless girlfriend, Kandi, has moved in with his ex-wife. It's all so confusing that Jake would prefer the ladies to be lesbians, because it would be easier to explain. Jake tells Alan that Kandi's mom, Mandi, has joined Charlie's endless list of sexual conquests. At Judith's front door, Judith won't let Alan talk to Kandi, she just repeats Judith's phrases, clearly without understanding their meaning. Alan then sees Kandi's dad, Andy, arrive for a blind date with Judith. Frolicking finale at Judith's, in rooms, bed and hot-tub.
Episode 21
And the Plot Moistens
Mon, May 1, 200622 mins
Jake's teacher tells his arguing parents his grades are hopeless, but at least he could get into some extracurricular activities, so they agree he'll audition to join the school drama club's musical cast. After Alan proposes a Gilbert and Sullivan monologue and Jake an explicit rap, Charlie has the boy choose classic rock. Jake chooses a Queen song, but his toneless howling just isn't the same. Charlie is proud when he learns that Kandi's stupidity finally drove Alan to cheat on her, but is disappointed to hear that it's only talking, no sex, with Jake's teacher, Francine. When Charlie's expected to lie to Kandi and Francine to cover for Alan, he does more: Kandi is made to expect a diamond necklace and Francine to believe he's a hero of selfless charity.
Episode 22
Just Once with Aunt Sophie
Mon, May 8, 200622 mins
Jake attends his first boy-girl party, dating a smart girl, Wendy Cho. Alan was looking forward to coaching his son, but even Jake, who spends his schooldays watching the clock tick, isn't dumb enough to consider dating advice from him. Charlie proves he can coach a virtually hopeless case like Jake with appearance, dance and anything else. In fact, Alan envies Jake so much, he hopes to learn, too.
Episode 23
Arguments for the Quickie
Mon, May 15, 200622 mins
When the Harper brothers learn from Jake about a call -a week late, like his teacher's request for a meeting last week- that Charlie's ex girlfriend Mia, the one who could have become serious and still gets him extremely excited, left four tickets for her ballet company, the womanizer assures Alan an ex only calls to boast her current man is better or to cheat on him and/or pump you for money. However when they still go, she only asks for his sperm, promising to raise the kid alone. Despite Alan's reservations, Charlie signs away his paternity rights, but his swimmers seem unusually reluctant, in fact...
Episode 24
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Mon, May 22, 200622 mins
Charlie tells indifferent Jake and incredulous Alan he's about to marry Mia, although for him twenty years of marriage is worse than death. Then crazy Rose reports Gordon just dumped her. Mia preferred the traditional ceremony to Charlie's original ideas, until Alan and his wedding planner's list (a fat folder) turn her off. Visiting Mia's family scares even ma Evelyn Harper. Then Rose starts stalking Mia, in wedding gown; they decide to cut the guest-list, or even better: elope to Las Vegas, to Alan's disappointment. At the altar, Charlie realizes his bride expects Alan and Jake to move out: it's off. Meanwhile Alan and Kandi...