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Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episodes
Season 1 Episode Guide
25 Episodes 2003 - 2006
Episode 0
Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal: Original Pilot
22 mins
After his wife kicks him out of the house, Alan must move in with his brother, Charlie.
Episode 1
Pilot
Mon, Sep 22, 200323 mins
Charlie Harper is preparing to bed a beautiful woman when his brother, Alan, calls: Alan's wife, Judith, threw him out with their ten-year-old son, Jake. They move into playboy Charlie's beach house for "a few days, tops", which seems an eternity to the womanizer. But Jake grows on Charlie, even if at first it's because he proves to be a better babe-magnet than a puppy. Plus, he's a natural at seeing through poker faces. When Judith announces that the break-up is final and she might be a lesbian, Charlie extends a long term invitation to father and son, rather then let Jake undergo the influence of their selfish socialite mother from hell.
Episode 2
Big Flappy Bastards
Mon, Sep 29, 200322 mins
Alan learns that asking Charlie to help him discipline Jake makes it more difficult because they would rather play together. Charlie learns, also the hard way, that Jake can't be left unsupervised after he feeds seagulls until they take over his bedroom. Alan refuses to admit that Judith only keeps him around to exploit his domestic skills and that even her kiss, when he announces he will stop coming back (on Charlie's advice), is just a ploy. Then Charlie learns that ignoring a repentant kid isn't right, either.
Episode 3
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
Mon, Oct 6, 200322 mins
Alan and Jake move into Charlie's beach house permanently and ex-wife Judith even helps arrange Jake's room. When the kid gets sick and insists on getting nursed at his "real" home by his mother, who refuses any reconciliation, Alan feels like a total failure, comparing himself to another one of Jake's guinea pigs which didn't survive Jake's neglect. Charlie takes Alan drinking and, when drunk, both of them conclude (with the help of the taxi driver) that the root of the brothers' problems is their mother, so she gets an ill-planned visit.
Episode 4
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
Mon, Oct 13, 200322 mins
While Charlie tries to write a chocolate jingle, his maid Berta quits, tired of caring for three Harpers and Alan's perfectionist suggestions. Alan offers to do the domestic chores instead, but finds that he can't please spoiled Charlie--nor tell exactly what he wants. So Charlie is left trying to get Jake showered and dressed-up for dinner out with Judith and her parents while Alan goes to rock-star Steven Tyler's place to find Berta (he's her other client), and beg her to return to him, offering her free chiropractic massages. Rose presses Charlie to help her prepare for a date with Randy--or is that Andy--or a fictitious boyfriend?
Episode 5
The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
Mon, Oct 20, 200319 mins
Charlie objected to being commandeered by Alan to bring Jake to soccer, and to the wimpy idea to 'teach' the boys not to keep scores. However he finds Ernie's army brat soccer ma Kate agrees, so he arranges a play-date, win-win for boys of both generations. Alas there's also Ernie's dad, Bill. Alan scolds Charlie for 'using his son', but is easily chased by divorced soccer ma Gloria -too pushy for Charlie- and her sister Brooke.
Episode 6
Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
Mon, Oct 27, 200321 mins
Charlie tries to teach Jake how to avoid female scorn by carefully screening telephone calls. However, grandma Harper knows all the tricks and comes unannounced, to commandeer the boys for a dinner to present 'possibly' the new man in her life. When even Charlie is dragged there, it gets worse. Tommy Pearson's daughter Olivia is Charlie's unforgiving ex. Afterward Evelyn loses Tommy for good, with not even a call from him, and falls into unprecedented black gloom. Alan feels obliged to invite her, to the beach-house, where she makes life hell for the male trio, fitting her favorite musical acts 'These boots are made for walking.'
Episode 7
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
Mon, Nov 3, 200322 mins
Charlie demonstrates to Alan how to keep people happy by telling them 'I understand' without committing to anything and not even actually listening. When Judith complains because Jake drew a beach girl's butt at school, Alan gives him a weasel PC lecture, but Charlie feels it's just normal for boys and teaches Jake the technicalities about implants. Alas, Charlie's technique makes him Judith's confidante and she gets Cindy, the surfer girl he was after.
Episode 8
Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
Mon, Nov 10, 200319 mins
After being tricked into helping Alan and Judith produce Jake's class musical, Charlie is flattered to find out that the kids know all the words to his jingles. Alan is blindsided with divorce papers from Judith, causing strife which results in Charlie, who refuses to deal with the pre-pubers without a snootful, having to produce the play on his own. Jake is crushed when he realizes that a reconciliation between his parents might never happen.
Episode 9
Phase One, Complete
Mon, Nov 17, 200321 mins
Charlie is not amused when his latest flirt Wendy's eagerness to help out with Jake and the Harper brothers' household seems to land him into a 'real' relationship. He's also worried sick to hear that she gets along with Evelyn. So Charlie dumps Wendy, but Jake keeps giving him the cold shoulder. Meanwhile Charlie worries about Scrabble bringing Alan closer to his loony stalker Rose.
Episode 10
Merry Thanksgiving
Mon, Nov 24, 200321 mins
Thanksgiving winds up being the least thankful day of the year for Charlie, who has to bribe various members of his household to even come to a traditional turkey dinner. Not only are the usual feuds in evidence (leading to a turkey-carving right out of "Psycho") but Judith's parents are actually sympathetic to Alan and hostile to their own daughter for her "fling" with lesbianism.
Episode 11
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
Mon, Dec 15, 200320 mins
Alan and Charlie discover Judith is dating again - with Jake's soccer coach. Alan is jealous and wants to start dating again too, but he's as hopeless at it as Charlie infallible. Even shopping for more fashionable attire with Charlie is a disaster. Meanwhile grandma Evelyn babysits Jake- to either's horror, so Rose takes over.
Episode 12
Camel Filters and Pheromones
Mon, Jan 5, 200421 mins
Grumpy housekeeper Berta's airhead daughter Cheryl Ann needs a babysitter for her daughter, so Charlie allows Berta to bring her along. Alas, at 16 Prudence is barely Jake's equal mentally, but physically she is more than any Harper handles easily. Even Charlie needs a pretend girlfriend, a part Rose enjoys, groping and kissing her "monkey-man." Prudence makes rebuking Judith's complaints that Charlie has a bad influence on Jake much harder. That night Prudence returns to the Harpers' seeking a place to crash--but not alone.
Episode 13
Sarah Like Puny Alan
Mon, Jan 12, 200421 mins
Charlie enjoys teaching 'blank page' Jake dirty jokes. Alan has flu, so Rose imposes herself as his 'intimate' nurse, until Evelyn arrives and takes over. Charlie insists on double-dating with Alan, in order to have revenge on his ex, Kathy. Alan suddenly agrees because his date turns out to be the soap star Desiree. To get Alan back on his feet, the Harper boys go to the sauna but all they manage to do is catch the flu. Sick, the brothers exchange confidences about career frustrations and bicker about chiropractics, at the worst possible moment.
Episode 14
I Can't Afford Hyenas
Mon, Feb 2, 200421 mins
Alan lectures Charlie for teaching Jake to gamble and tipping pizza boy Ted $50. Alas, Berta's shopping shows that his credit-card is maxed out and is cut up. Stan explains that four months of expenses which exceed his income have wiped him out financially, until his next royalties pay-out. After missing a shipping date by buying cheap generic stuff and having to tip Ted $2, Charlie swallows his pride, then tears up the check rather then dine with Evelyn. Rose volunteers a loan, pittance in her rich family, even begs he accepts it as a friend.
Episode 15
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
Mon, Feb 9, 200422 mins
Seeing Frankie completely vandalize her therapist's car for telling her she has anger control issues, Alan just wants to run, but Charlie just sees unrestrained sex potential and takes her in. Rose declares her dangerous at first sight, like she once was. When Frankie proves an avid fan of chiropractics, Alan can't help himself anymore. She denies Charlie sex and gets the brothers to help her retrieve something - her preteen daughter Joanie.
Episode 16
That Was Saliva, Alan
Mon, Feb 16, 200422 mins
Now that Frankie has tricked the Harpers into sheltering her and her daughter Joanie, she explains that Bob's parents want her declared mentally incompetent in order to get custody. Charlie wants to dump her, but Alan insists that they must stay. Jake doesn't enjoy the 8-year-old's "romantic" attention. Charlie hates the consolation kisses and compliments, and is stunned when Frankie prefers intimacy with Alan. Charlie rightly warns him that he's just falling for his "damsel in distress", then warns her not to hurt his kid brother.
Episode 17
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
Mon, Feb 23, 200420 mins
Alan enjoys winding up his ex Judith, who just increased his alimony burden by pretending that Charlie will get custody of Jake if they both die. However, both Charlie and mother Evelyn take objection to hearing that his actual choice for custody of Jake are their responsible cousins: agricultural Professors in Rhode Island. When Jake hurts his head playing basketball while alone with Charlie, Charlie gets a terrifying taste of improvising without parental experience.
Episode 18
An Old Flame with a New Wick
Mon, Mar 1, 200421 mins
Charlie's old flame, Jill, visits and has really changed: "Jill" has transitioned since Charlie last saw her and is now called Bill. Before Charlie can adapt, Evelyn meets and starts dating Bill.
Episode 19
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
Mon, Mar 22, 200419 mins
When Judith gets a visit from her ever-rivaling, sexier (but less smart) sister, Liz, Alan fears trouble because Liz had sex with Charlie in the cloakroom at his and Judith's wedding. Charlie expects Liz to go for Alan now, who thinks she really fancies him, but he is only the next best weapon to hurt Judith.
Episode 20
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
Mon, Apr 19, 200421 mins
Jake plays his electric guitar all day long and doesn't want to do anything else. Alan and Charlie can't figure out why. Jake refuses to discuss anything with anyone, including his grandmother and even a psychologist.
Episode 21
No Sniffing, No Wowing
Mon, May 3, 200422 mins
After Charlie is given a witness interview by Alan's expensive, power-hungry divorce lawyer, Laura, she sets her sights on him but warns him that it must be kept a secret, giving him strict ground rules to follow. Unaware of what is going on, Alan is feeling somewhat confident about the possibility of a fair custody/settlement agreement, despite Judith's concerns about Jake living at Uncle Charlie's house on weekends. When Charlie brings home Laura's paralegal to play and Laura catches them together, Charlie finds her reaction to the situation unacceptable. Alan is dumbfounded when his lawyer tanks his case.
Episode 22
My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
Mon, May 10, 200421 mins
Alan has consented to pay for Jake's appointment at the child psychologist, self-confessed mere guesser Dr. Freeman. Charlie finds that Alan is the one who sleepwalks and performs domestic chores, and hears from their mother Evelyn it had happened before--from their dad's death until Alan's sexual awaking. Arranging a sex-life for Alan fails as he refuses one night-stands, so Charlie finally drags Alan to the child psychologist and ends up as a stand-in for Judith.
Episode 23
Just Like Buffalo
Mon, May 17, 200421 mins
When Jake repeats Charlie's flippant rule "not to marry as long as you have women for domestic and intimate services", the Harper brothers get into trouble. It's worst for Alan, whose weekend visits are sabotaged by Judith and her women's support group because of Charlie's "bad influence". Charlie warns Alan, in vain, not to face them as a group. Then the master proves that he can still win them over talking face-to-face.
Episode 24
Can You Feel My Finger
Mon, May 24, 200422 mins
Charlie is sure he isn't ready for fatherhood after a year of trying to raise Jake, so he opts to have a vasectomy. But when the doctor performing the procedure keeps getting calls from his wife, who's about to give birth, Charlie starts to think about what fatherhood might entail and likes the idea, provided he still has his vital organs intact... in more ways than one.
