Cyber Bandits Reviews

CYBER BANDITS is a high-tech hardware thriller that sputters like a wet firecracker, (or "cyberfirecracker," in deference to the trend-begging title). Unmistakable mediocrity overwhelms all surface distractions. When sailor Jack (Martin Kemp) signs to crew for mogul Morgan Wells (Robert Hays), he finds it's risky work if you've the nerve to rub suntan oil on Morgan's chick Rebecca (Alexandra Paul). Below deck, Morgan schemes for his operatives to secure a secret weapon in the form of a CD-ROM disc that would make him the world's most powerful hombre. Rash Rebecca pilfers the disc and Jack accompanies her through a sewer to safety. The fugitives drop by a tattoo parlor where Tojo (James Hong) disguises the circuit diagram by digitally transferring it into skin art on Jack's back. Morgan eventually recovers the disc but learns the data is missing. Fortunately for Jack's epidermis, a non-lethal operation is performed which sucks up the CD-ROM data for a voice-activated indestructible handgun that Morgan schemes to sell to the highest bidder. Trapped on the pleasure cruiser, Jack and Rebecca figure out how to use the potent pistol against the merciless arms merchant. After dispatching a surprised Morgan, Rebecca tosses the superweapon into the ocean. Only John Waters could have assembled such a motley gang of pop-music flotsam and celebrity jetsam and give them so little to do. Imagine Adam Ant (as Jack's shipmate buddy), Grace Jones (as a rogue agent after Morgan), and "Laugh-In" regular Henry Gibson in one movie! None of them pep up the script appreciably, despite much arm-waving hysteria. Aside from the nifty business of stamping the McGuffin right onto the hero's flesh, the scenario settles for deja vu chase sequences, comic-book villainy, and expository sidebars that postpone the inevitable without building suspense. Attractive mannequins Kemp and Paul provide soothing eyewash for oglers, but generate the combined magnetism of schoolkids bundling for a first kiss. CYBER BANDITS has just enough oomph to tread water before it drowns in overplotting, travelogue, and fussy direction. (Graphic violence, extensive nudity, profanity, substance abuse.)