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The Dick Van Dyke Show Season 3 Episodes
Season 3 Episode Guide
32 Episodes 1963 - 1964
Episode 1
That's My Boy??
Wed, Sep 25, 196330 mins
Mel's sister-in-law just had a baby, a beautiful product of two less-than-attractive parents. When Mel jokes that perhaps they got the wrong baby at the hospital, Laura, Jerry and Millie prod a sheepish Rob to tell the story of when Ritchie was born and Rob believed that the baby they brought home from the hospital was not theirs. The story... From the excitement of being a new father, Rob's somewhat confused state that day matched confusion exhibited at the busy hospital during Laura's entire stay. The hospital staff kept mistaking her room (208) with that of a Mrs. Peters (203) who also had a baby boy that same day. As person after person comments that the Petrie baby doesn't look like either Laura or Rob, Rob begins to believe that the Peters' baby and theirs were mixed up. Not wanting to concern Laura, Rob tried to find evidence of the mix-up and talks to the Peters on the phone. Only after meeting the Peters does Rob become certain whether the baby they have in their possession belongs to them or to the Peters.
Episode 2
The Masterpiece
Wed, Oct 2, 196330 mins
While attending an estate sale to learn about auctions for a sketch on the Alan Brady Show, Rob, Buddy and Sally accidentally bid on a painting of a clown signed by "Artanis." After winning the unwanted portrait (and paying a stiff price for it), Rob and Laura discover there is another painting underneath the clown -- one that bears a similarity to Grant Woods' "American Gothic."
Episode 3
Laura's Little Lie
Wed, Oct 9, 196330 mins
In the first of a two-parter, Rob cannot figure out why Laura seems so agitated around him. He finally learns that it involves a lie she told him years earlier when they got married -- a lie that could have disastrous consequences for their future married life together.
Episode 4
Very Old Shoes, Very Old Rice
Wed, Oct 16, 196330 mins
In the conclusion of the two-parter, Rob and Laura must each try to explain their sudden departure from New Rochelle. They are trying to cover up that they must re-solemnize their wedding vows in a distant town to undo the damage caused by Laura lying about her age on their original marriage-license application. But the strain of having to keep the secret almost stops them from going through with the ceremony "for real."
Episode 5
All About Eavesdropping
Wed, Oct 23, 196330 mins
Rob and Laura's son Ritchie rigs up a toy intercom with Freddie, the son of the Petrie's next-door neighbors, Millie and Jerry Helper. Rob and Laura get drawn into eavesdropping on a conversation between Millie and Jerry and discover that it's probably better not to know what Millie and Jerry say about them when Rob and Laura aren't around.
Episode 6
Too Many Stars
Wed, Oct 30, 196330 mins
In avoiding head councilwoman Mrs. Billings, Rob thinks he's finally gotten away from directing this year's New Rochelle Parents Council's annual variety show that he's done for the past several years. He doesn't mind directing or performing in the show but hates the audition process as Laura is the only really talented woman in the community and Rob doesn't like telling the other women that his wife, once again, has the lead in the show, but Mrs. Billings does eventually catch up with him, thanks to Laura, who likes that inside edge of having a husband who makes the casting decisions. It ends up being even more important this year as Buddy and Sally are providing material for the show - a musical comedy originally written for Alan Brady (who'll never do it since the lead role is for a female). Presuming she'll get the lead role as usual, Laura doesn't count on the fact that people with talent can sometimes move into new neighborhoods. Such is the case, leaving Rob, as director, to decide whether to cast Anita Lebost, the talented newcomer to the neighborhood, or his wife, who had always just assumed the role was going to be hers, till Anita came along.
Episode 7
Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius?
Wed, Nov 6, 196330 mins
While doing a run-through of a sketch for the Alan Brady Show, Rob smashes what he thinks is a breakaway violin over his head. Instead, it's a real violin, and the blow from the instrument brings on a bout of temporary amnesia, causing Rob to wind up at a party in Red Hook, New Jersey, with no memory of his real identity.
Episode 8
Uncle George
Wed, Nov 13, 196330 mins
Everyone in the Petrie household is excited by the visit from Rob's boisterous, larger-than-life and young-at-heart Uncle George, but Rob's excitement turns to panic when he learns the reason for his visit: he wants to get a wife and wants Rob to find the woman for him. Rob is at a loss for an appropriate woman for Uncle George until Sally comes up with the idea of her boyfriend Herman Glimscher's mother, a mama's boy's mama. Rob and Laura host a small dinner party for the Glimschers, Sally and Uncle George where the elderly pair can meet; however, a problem arises when Uncle George only has eyes for one woman, who happens to be the wrong woman: Sally. Rob has to figure out a way to tell Uncle George that his expectations for a wife need to be set a little older than Sally.
Episode 9
Big Max Calvada
Wed, Nov 20, 196330 mins
Rob, Buddy and Sally are approached by reputed mobster Big Max Calvada to write a nightclub act for his nephew Kenny. They are afraid to refuse because of Calvada's reputation as an underworld figure, but are alarmed to learn that, despite preparing top-notch material for him, Kenny is hopelessly untalented as a performer.
Episode 10
The Ballad of the Betty Lou
Wed, Nov 27, 196330 mins
Inspired by an outing on Alan Brady's yacht, Rob and Jerry decide to enter an ill-fated partnership and acquire a boat of their own. Forewarned by the wives of the dangers of such a venture, it is Jerry's maritime knowledge (and sizable sea ego to match) coupled with Rob's relative seafaring stupidity which sets the scene for conflict when bad weather hits. They get lost by the Coast Guard, end up in the drink and sink the boat. The heated argument that follows at Coast Guard headquarters after being dragged in is classic Dick and Jerry. Classic line - Jerry Helper: "....Rob couldn't make stewardess on the Good Ship Lollipop"
Episode 11
Turtles, Ties, and Toreadors
Wed, Dec 4, 196330 mins
Rob believes he is doing Laura a favor by hiring a maid for her through an employment agency. Laura, in turn, is frustrated that Rob knows nothing about who he hired or the details of her employment, let alone that Laura has not had a chance to clean up the house before the maid's imminent arrival. Laura's concerns are well founded as their young maid (Maria) - despite being a sweet woman - is fresh off the boat from Barcelona, speaks no English, doesn't seem to know how to do domestic work very well, has a broken arm, and was expecting to be a live-in maid, conversely having no friends or family to stay with in New York. Rob and Laura agree that she can't stay, but neither wants to be the one to terminate her employment, later learning that she will be deported if they do, so they agree to keep her until the agency can find her another job. Ultimately they may only be able to keep Maria for so long before the situation becomes unsustainable.
Episode 12
The Sound of the Trumpets of Conscience Falls Deafly on a Brain That Holds Its Ears...
Wed, Dec 11, 196330 mins
Rob witnesses what he thinks might have been two suspects fleeing from a holdup but does not immediately report what he's seen to the police. He wrestles with his conscience -- and Laura -- as he weighs the inconvenience of getting involved against the possibility that remaining silent might allow the criminals to go free.
Episode 13
The Alan Brady Show Presents
Wed, Dec 18, 196330 mins
Alan's annual Christmas show is airing. As a change of pace, he's asked Rob to do the on-air introduction. Alan has had many critics state that what his Christmas shows lack is heart, and, as such, Alan has rejected the nonetheless funny script Rob, Buddy and Sally submitted in favor of an idea he believes has that heart: His television family, who entertains at many of his social functions, are the headliners of the show. Rob wasn't sure that he's talented enough a performer for a television show, but Buddy, Sally and Laura, who are to be included as performers, relished the thought of doing all they've ever wanted to do in front of the camera; so, Alan presents Rob Petrie, Laura Petrie, Sally Rogers, Buddy Sorrell, Mel Cooley and Ritchie Petrie as his Merry Christmas wish to his viewing audience.
Episode 14
The Third One from the Left
Wed, Jan 1, 196430 mins
Laura steams when she sees Rob smooched by an 18-year-old beauty whom Rob elevated from the chorus to a featured turn on the Alan Brady Show. Insecure producer Mel wigs out at head writer Rob Petrie, too, but for usurping his meager nepotic duties. In contrast, dancer Joan gushes her undying passion for Rob, which the too-nice gag-man is at a loss for words to combat. Miffed wife Laura supplies Rob's dialogue to put this puppy love to sleep before her flattered hubby succumbs to this girl's recipe for love.
Episode 15
My Husband Is the Best One
Wed, Jan 8, 196430 mins
The prestigious national news magazine, Newstime, is doing a cover article on Alan and the show. Mel wants Rob to take reporter Diane Moseby out to lunch to extol the virtues of Alan. As Rob was planning to meet Laura for lunch, Mel suggests Rob meet with Miss Moseby a bit earlier and then Laura can join them for lunch later, courtesy of Alan. Rob discerns that Miss Moseby wants an unusual angle for the article, so he strides to keep his comments as non-salacious and as focused on Alan's comic genius as possible. Laura, on the other hand, credits Rob for the show's success at every turn. The resulting article almost costs Rob his job. Although very complimentary, it is 1% about Buddy and Sally (with that 1% providing misinformation about the two), 39% about Alan, and 60% about Rob, to whom credit for the comic success of the show is attributed. Rob blames both Laura and himself for the article's tone, and the two must figure out a way to make it up to Alan, Buddy and Sally.
Episode 16
The Lady and the Tiger and the Lawyer
Wed, Jan 15, 196430 mins
Handsome single lawyer Arthur Stanwyck moves in next door to the Petries. Although he states that his move to the suburbs was to live a more relaxed life than is possible in the city, Arthur strikes Rob and Laura as an active, big city guy. Laura also thinks that his move to the suburbs is in order to find a wife. She wants to fix up her intellectual cousin Donna Palmer with Arthur, but Rob feels that Donna isn't Arthur's type. Even though he doesn't think Sally is either, he wants to provide Sal with the opportunity of snaring Arthur, so they decide to set up both Donna and Sally with Arthur on separate nights, letting the better woman win. After hosting two dinner parties, Rob and Laura are totally confused at who makes the better match between the two extremely different women. Only Arthur may shed some light on whom he favors, what he intends on doing, and why.
Episode 17
The Life and Love of Joe Coogan
Wed, Jan 22, 196430 mins
Rob, Buddy and Mel have what they consider the most enjoyable round of golf they ever played, enjoyment in large part due to their stray fourth, a man they just met at the club named Joe Coogan. Good looking Joe mentions that he is single, has never been married and has only been in love once in his life while in college - coincidentally to a woman named Laura. As Rob and Joe discuss the issue further, Rob quickly realizes that Joe's Laura is also his Laura, which he doesn't tell Joe. When Rob later confronts Laura about her never mentioning Joe, Laura admits that she's secretly kept some mementos of her relationship with Joe, namely love sonnets he wrote to her. Rob is obviously hurt and jealous, which may increase when Laura, questioning why she kept the poems, decides to run into Joe "accidentally" at the golf course. She does and invites him home for dinner with her and Rob. Due to Rob's attitude, she doesn't tell him an important piece of information about the new Joe that would change Rob's jealous outlook, which in turn would have stopped Rob from making an inappropriate addition to the dinner party. Through it all, Laura comes to a clearer understanding about the sonnets themselves.
Episode 18
A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards
Wed, Jan 29, 196430 mins
In a show told mostly in flashback, Rob and Laura invite Jerry and Millie Helper, Buddy Sorrell, and a new couple, the Gregorys (a former D.A. and his wife) over to play poker. When Laura accidentally damages one of the cards, she gets a replacement deck, not realizing she's chosen a marked deck that Rob was using earlier to show Ritchie some card tricks. Right before winning the last hand, Rob realizes that the cards are marked and tries to figure out how to get out of the situation gracefully.
Episode 19
Happy Birthday and Too Many More
Wed, Feb 5, 196430 mins
The conundrum over which specific date to hold Ritchie's eighth birthday party - the only two available being either three weeks before or three weeks after the actual day - is the least of Rob and Laura's worries. Since extravagant parties are now mandatory to "keep up with the Joneses," Laura wants to hold the event at an amusement park called Dizzyland with a guest list of sixty-three at $2 a child. Rob goes along with the idea despite thinking of the whole concept as outlandish and unnecessary, especially for an eight-year-old's party. After talking to Buddy and Sally about it, Rob puts his foot down and will only hold a party at the house, organized and hosted by them, but as the day approaches, one problem after another arises, leading to a disaster by party time. Although Laura feels that the disaster is not Rob's fault but that of society in general, she suggests that Rob keep to his word about the spirit of the birthday party for their son to get them out of the mess that has occurred.
Episode 20
The Brave and the Backache
Wed, Feb 12, 196430 mins
Since Jerry has to go to a convention, Jerry and Millie can't go to Millie's sister's cottage at Lake Sissimanounou for their planned romantic weekend getaway. The Helpers would offer the cottage to Rob and Laura, but Jerry, based on casual conversations with a psychiatrist with whom he commutes into the city, believes Rob has some psychological block in going there since he has always come down with some ailment every other time the cottage has been offered to them. Millie further believes the block has something to do with Rob not wanting to be "alone" alone with Laura. To prove them wrong, Rob agrees to go despite the effort it will take to get time off from work, but in trying as hard as he can not to get sick from Sally's head cold prior to the trip, he ends up throwing out his back. Rob begins to think that Jerry and Millie may be right, as does Laura, especially as the orthopedist can't find anything medically causing the problem. To determine if his back problem is indeed all in his head, Rob decides to consult the source - Jerry's psychiatrist friend, Dr. Phil Nevins.
Episode 21
The Pen Is Mightier Than the Mouth
Wed, Feb 19, 196430 mins
After meeting her at a party, late night talk show host Stevie Parsons invites Sally to appear as a guest on his show. The day of her appearance was a nightmare for Rob and Buddy as they had to write some jokes for her and deal with her nerves, thus not being able to do their real work, but they're happy for her, especially as her appearance ends up being great, and happy for themselves as life can now get back to normal - or so they think. Because the response is overwhelming, Stevie invites Sally back for a second night. The second day for Rob and Buddy ends up being worse than the first, so when Stevie makes an on-air invitation to Sally to be a permanent guest, Rob is concerned about how Alan's show will suffer. He's right as Sally takes more and more unscheduled time off to deal with her new found fame. Rob and Buddy need Sally in the office not only as a third comic brain but as a buffer between the two male egos. Rob decides he needs to give Sally an ultimatum. but Sally beats him to the punch with her own news about her long-term future.
Episode 22
My Part-Time Wife
Wed, Feb 26, 196430 mins
With Sally's continued leave of absence to appear on The Stevie Parsons Show as his permanent guest, Rob needs someone, temporarily at least, to do the typing at the office. Laura really does want to take the job, against Rob's wishes. After failed secretary after failed secretary (including Alan's giggly niece Jackie), Rob finally relents. Sally will know by the end of the week what her status on Stevie Parsons' show will be - stay on or return to Alan's show. As such, Rob thinks he can handle working with Laura for one week. Laura ends up proving Rob wrong in that she can do the secretarial job very well and still maintain the house; however, Rob, festering, makes the office environment with Laura an antagonistic one. Rob has to come to some understanding of why he is doing what he's doing. Once he does, only Laura can tell him if his feelings are valid based on the reality of the situation.
Episode 23
Honeymoons Are for the Lucky
Wed, Mar 4, 196430 mins
After Buddy and Sally catch Rob dictating his memoirs, he tells them the story on which he is currently working: the less than romantic lead-up to his and Laura's honeymoon. As soon as Rob recovered from the illness and sprained ankle injury leading up to his wedding, he and Laura wanted to go on their honeymoon, settling for the nearby third-rate Lakeview Lodge before Laura's USO show moved on to the next army camp; however, due to a theft of wine, Captain Lebost revoked all off-camp passes, with no further passes issued until the thief was caught. Rob, determined to have this romantic time with his new wife, risked getting caught AWOL to do so. The problems: how to sneak off the base, and, once at the lodge, how to make it a romantic getaway in light of the shabby resort and it's boisterous owner, Mrs. Campbell.
Episode 24
How to Spank a Star
Wed, Mar 11, 196430 mins
This week's guest on Alan's show is talented but temperamental entertainer Paula Marshall. Her problematic reputation precedes her as she gives Mel no end of grief. When push comes to shove, she has Mel relieved from his duties for the week with Rob assigned as his designated replacement. She then uses her feminine wiles to get Rob to comply to whatever unreasonable requests she wants - including him calling her Paula-Poo - which makes Rob feel like a doormat and a slightly jealous Laura feel like her husband is being manipulated by a temptress. Paula's ego-centric requests force Rob to understand that she is making him do things against what he would normally consider the good of the show, but Laura's handling of a disobedient Ritchie shows Rob how he needs to deal with Paula.
Episode 25
The Plots Thicken
Wed, Mar 18, 196430 mins
On their latest visit, Rob's parents tell Rob and Laura of "their future home together" - side-by-side plots in a new cemetery bought for all of them. Rob is somewhat nonplussed at the news; Laura is shocked. It isn't until after Rob's parents leave that she reveals the reason for her shock: Rob has forgotten that Laura's parents have already bought them plots adjoining theirs at another cemetery. Rob doesn't see it as becoming an issue as they did not commit to either set of parents. Hopefully, they themselves don't have to decide where they will be buried for years, but things change when Rob's father talks to Laura's father. Rob feels all six of them need to get things out in the open when the issue of cemetery plots clearly becomes a manifestation of their parents' competition for their love.
Episode 26
Scratch My Car and Die
Wed, Mar 25, 196430 mins
Rob has just bought a new car, which he can't stop admiring. On day two of ownership, Rob is planning on driving to work so that he can show it to Buddy and Sally. Laura puts a small crimp in his plans since their station wagon is in the shop, so she needs to drive the new car as it is her day to carpool the children to school. Rob is paranoid that the kids will destroy any newness to the car and that Laura will get into an accident. Sure enough, a large scratch on the passenger side materializes while Laura has the car out for the day, although the scratch is due to no fault of her own. Still, she knows that Rob is going to kill her because of it. Laura has to decide whether to tell Rob and receive his certain wrath, or hide the fact of the scratch until she can get it repaired, which means tricking him into not driving the car to work the next day. Perhaps Rob will understand that an accident can happen to anyone, even a distracted comedy writer.
Episode 27
The Return of Edwin Carp
Wed, Apr 1, 196430 mins
Sally and Buddy are mad at Rob for making them work to write an Alan-less episode while Alan himself is away on vacation. They are all trying to come up with an original idea when Rob comes up with what he believes is something never done on television: radio. He wants to write a show around old-time radio characters. Buddy, Sally and even Laura don't think anyone watching television would be interested in these radio stars that no one except Rob probably even remembers. Another problem is even trying to find any of these old performers. Regardless, they allow Rob to run with the idea, even if it means losing their jobs after all is said and done. They are successful in convincing radio personalities Bert Gordon who portrayed a character called the Mad Russian, comedy monologist Arlene Harris, and Edwin Carp, who did fish imitations and was appropriately named "the Fish Man", to perform. However, Carp fails to disclose an issue which dogged him during his radio career and which he thought he would never have to deal with again since his last radio performance twenty-eight years earlier. When Rob finds out about the problem and the tricky solution one day prior to the show, Rob has to decide whether to go through with it or not.
Episode 28
October Eve
Wed, Apr 8, 196430 mins
Laura tries to conceal the fact that there is a nude painting of her entitled "October Eve" hanging in a New York art gallery. She eventually recalls the circumstances under which eccentric artist Serge Carpenta depicted her posing in the all-together.
Episode 29
Dear Mrs. Petrie, Your Husband Is in Jail
Wed, Apr 15, 196430 mins
It's a Saturday night and Rob is in jail. Laura, who was out of town for the weekend at Aunt Martha's, manages to make it to the police station, despite Rob not having called her and not wanting her to know about what he considers the minor situation of being charged with illegal gambling and attempted assault of a police officer with a deadly weapon. The story... Rob was at a loss for what to do without Laura, and everyone he knew seemed not to be available. He read that an old army buddy named Benny Joey, who is now a stand-up comic, was performing in town, so he decided to go see the show. Once at the nightclub, Rob started to reminisce with Benny backstage, where he and some of the other performers, who included Maureen Core whose military themed act uses a small cannon, were partaking in a sometimes not so friendly craps game in which Benny asked Rob to take his place while he did his act.
Episode 30
My Neighbor's Husband's Other Life
Wed, Apr 22, 196430 mins
Rob and Laura are having a romantic dinner at a restaurant before heading out for a night at the theater. They invited Jerry and Millie to tag along, but the Helpers declined as Millie said that Jerry had an issue he had to deal with at the office. That's why Laura is surprised to see Jerry at the restaurant, and even more surprised that he is having what looks to be a romantic rendezvous himself with someone - a beautiful blonde - who is obviously not Millie. Jerry doesn't see them and they try to hide themselves from Jerry's view during the course of their respective dinners. While Laura believes the worst, Rob wants to give his friend the benefit of the doubt. Laura's beliefs are strengthened by implications directly from Millie, and by a similar sighting of Jerry with an unknown woman by Sally. Rob's conversation with Jerry about the issue brings the full story to light.
Episode 31
I'd Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head at All
Wed, Apr 29, 196430 mins
Rob's fear that he might be losing his hair leads him to seek out an unusual baldness prevention measure from Irwin, a barber recommended by Buddy -- but Irwin's concoction includes ingredients that seem more suited to the dinner table than to a barbershop.
Episode 32
Teacher's Petrie
Wed, May 13, 196430 mins
Laura couldn't sign herself and Rob up for the Spanish class they wanted (as it was already full), so she signed herself and Millie up for a creative writing class, which Rob obviously doesn't need. Based on Laura's description of her initial meeting with Mr. Caldwell the teacher, Rob believes that Mr. Caldwell's praise of Laura is purely so that he can eventually ask professional writer Rob a favor, such as reading a manuscript he wrote or wanting to collaborate on a project. Laura is somewhat incredulous at Rob's suggestion, but Rob is even more certain after Laura gets an A+ on her first assignment, which Mr. Caldwell said was the best in class, but which Rob, Buddy and Sally can see is not very good. With Rob and Laura locked in argument over the matter, Buddy suggests Rob give in to what Mr. Caldwell wants. As Rob carries out the plan, he finds that his sense of an ulterior motive is only half accurate.