[Warning: The following contains spoilers for the latest episode of The Masked Singer.]
Here we are, four weeks into 2019, and chances are you already forgot about most of your resolutions, unless you resolved to watch the reality show version of a Hunter S. Thompson hallucination and a Lisa Frank sticker until the bitter end. If so, congratulations! The Masked Singer is starting to get to the point where the leaders of the proverbial pack are plainly evident over the creatures who'll soon join ousted contestants Terry Bradshaw, Tommy Chong and Antonio Brown back in the forest from whence they came. So if you came this far, you might as well ride it out. I'm proud of you!
Per tradition, Nick Cannon blew a handful of glitter right into viewers' dry eyeballs with another of his dazzling suits, this one with a crimson and aqua-colored floral pattern topped off with a sparkly red turban and bedazzled red loafers to boot. "Who else would wear a crazy outfit like this?" Nick asked, with the only sensible answer being "whoever does shotgun weddings at Burning Man." This week's performances came from Rabbit, Alien, Raven, Poodle and Bee. To see who got unmasked, scroll to the end.
Rabbit, again in his Donnie Darko-meets-Eminem getup, went first and sang "Wake Me Up" by Avicii. Rabbit has moves. He's said he's in a band before and sought fame as a kid but, as he hinted, didn't quite keep it. He sounded just OK, sometimes hitting soaring notes with ease but other times finding it hard to sustain them. Nicole Scherzinger, whose questions this season haven't exactly put her in the running to replace Christiane Amanpour, asked if Rabbit ever toured with her, which actually was a really great question. He gave a cagey answer, prompting her to blurt out, "God, who is it?" Welp. Nicole giveth, and Nicole taketh away.
Alien, object of Ken Jeong's slightly disturbing affections, went next. Her clues about being tied to her family, combined with references to her sisters, led the gang to think this self-proclaimed quadruple threat might be a Jackson (please be La Toya, please be La Toya) or a Hilton, perhaps Paris. Whoever she is, she sang "Lovefool" by The Cardigans like she was slightly out of breath. It wasn't terrible, but we'll be finding out who she is soon. Still, Poodle was better than Raven, who cawed out Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" like she just stubbed a toe. Hints about newfound freedom didn't offer much, but her clue that she cried tears in the Hudson River led Jenny McCarthy to guess she might be Sherri Shepherd.
Poodle howled through Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" in way that was at least inoffensive, and after a bunch of nonsense guesses, Poodle said she'd been fired multiple times. Jenny, the Velma in this smoky van, guessed Kathy Griffin — a solid guess given Griffin's tendency to get fired and also do goofy stuff just like this. But the best singer of the night was definitely Bee, a self-admitted older singer with awards who admits not being in the modern musical loop. Her version of "Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars sounded unmistakably like Gladys Knight, which Jenny and Robin Thicke guessed, and if it's not her, we'll have to eat... Raven. In the end, Poodle had to take it off that pink head. It was Margaret Cho! How could her one time co-star Ken not recognize her voice, we'll never know.
The Masked Singer airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox.