[Warning: The following contains spoilers for Fox's The Masked Singer.]
Here we are again folks: It's week two of the sizzurp hallucination that is The Masked Singer. The premiere, which revealed that it was Antonio Brown who was warbling "My Prerogative" from inside a Hippo costume, set all kinds of records for TV viewing and for TV Guide, so here I sit with a gun to my head, recapping this mess once more. Send help if I blink three times!
Host Nick Cannon, a vision in his sparkly crimson champagne jacket, welcomed us back into this peyote fantasia, announcing the lineup as Rabbit vs. Alien, Raven vs. Pineapple, and Poodle vs. Bee, like a football game full of mascots and no football. Once again, the costumes themselves really were treats for our eyes — feats of imagination and whimsy and design that reminded us that play is awesome. Wednesday's standout was Poodle, who rocked a geometric mask and a pink-accented minidress that made her seem like a flirty and coquettish party girl. You could almost hear furry fetishes being born as she pranced, and if she made you slightly uncomfortable, brace yourself: She's going to be around a little longer. If you want to know who got unmasked, scroll to the end.
Rabbit sang first, dressed in a white jumpsuit that married Donnie Darko and a straitjacket. During his clue presentation, he twitched endlessly, hammering home that he's a bit off-kilter, and he said he's prone to "pop up here and there." Nicole Scherzinger yelled out the obvious. "Who IS that?!" Gee Nicole, that had not crossed my mind at all.
Rabbit sang Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca," and not badly, I should say. Amid a decayed, futuristic urban landscape — the production team on this show deserves kudos too — Rabbit held his notes and performed with pizazz. His competitor Alien, however, didn't do as well. Whomever this soul is, a woman who comes from a famous family, struck quite a pose in a red vinyl ensemble that screamed "Mars Attacks but slutty" and sang "Feel It Still" from Portugal. The Man. The most exciting part about Alien's meh performance was Ken Jeong foaming at the mouth about how smoking hot she was, cranking the awkward dial up to a good 7 or 8 as we pondered, hopefully for the last time, if Ken Jeong has a thing for women in sexy alien costumes.
Robin Thicke guessed Alien might be Bella Hadid, which isn't a bad guess. Maybe we'll found out soon since she landed in the bottom three, ultimately staying safe in three-way vote against contestants to come. Pineapple, dressed like someone's dad who's way too excited to be at Margaritaville, sang Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" like he'd just woken up from surgery. Meanwhile, Raven, whose birdcage hat and wings looked like something the late, great Alexander McQueen might've made if he designed for parade floats, sang "Rainbow" by Kesha. Jenny McCarthy asked if Raven had ever hosted a talk show and got a yes; Jenny is good at this! Hold on, she guessed that Pineapple might be Barack Obama since he's from Hawaii as Pineapple hinted he might be. I take that back. Stop breathing the costume glue fumes Jenny!
The best vocalist of the night surely was Bee, who referred to herself as an empress and sang Sia's "Chandelier" with the soulful skill of Chaka Khan or Gladys Knight or Tina Turner. Nicole asked what decade she started singing and she said the 1950s, making very real the possibility that an actual R&B legend could be under that bee costume. (If you even dare suggest Beyonce, stop reading this, slap yourself and go to bed.)
Whoever Bee is, we won't know for a while: She and everyone else except Pineapple stayed cloaked in mystery. So that's how we found out Tommy Chong had been under there. Why'd he dress up like a pineapple, Nick Cannon asked. "Anything to get on stage," Chong replied. I guess.
Blink. Blink. Blink!!
The Masked Singer airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox.