[Warning: The following contains spoilers for the latest episode of The Masked Singer.]
Like popping zits or smelling your own farts while quasi-comatose on the couch, The Masked Singer is the guilty pleasure nobody wants to cop to but everybody loves, so here we are once again recapping what happened during this dopey daydream! To see who won, scroll to the end.
Things got underway with the embarrassing dad-rock classic "Who Are You" playing as host Nick Cannon emerged wearing another of his hypnotic suits that looked like he got tangled up in some drapes in a Las Vegas hotel room and then walked away fully formed. Why doesn't he have a clothing line, or a chain of tuxedo rental boutiques? Anyway, this week's lineup included Lion, Deer, Peacock, Unicorn and Monster.
Lion provided the first shock of the night: nailing a rendition of Nina Simone's "Feeling Good" so well it reframed the whole contest. As Jenny McCarthy noted, 'That's a trained vocalist," and suddenly, it seemed like the show's competitors weren't just the celebrity equivalent of discounted perfume kiosks in the mall, but actual real-deal singers people actually pay to hear. Everyone was completely stumped. Lion's package hinted she's some kind of activist.
Deer sang "Get Your Shine On" by Florida Georgia Line, sailing confidently over it with a country twang and husky voice. The performance was fine but the — no pun intended here — elephant in the room here (there's no elephant to make this a true pun but just go with it) is that Deer is kind of hot. Deer is like a woody, masculine lodge come to life, and he looks like he smells like leather, tobacco, aftershave and low-key politically incorrect beliefs that make him a problematic crush. He's definitely an athlete, and (spoiler!) we found out who he was at the end of the night.
Peacock did a spiel that hinted at his longevity in the game and you got the sense this show is actually awesome for him because it lets him truly cast off perceptions and see him, uh, fly. Peacock was great too, singing OneRepublic's "Counting Stars" while gliding around the stage with panache. Jenny's hunch to ask about Vegas was right, leading the panelists to think he could be David Copperfield, or perhaps noted magic fan Neil Patrick Harris. His hint that he's played dramatic roles prompted aspiring Mensa spokesperson Nicole Scherzinger to holler "He could be an actor!" for everyone at home without sense enough to come in from the rain. Oh, Nicole. Don't change. (Or light a match if you smell gas in the house, in case you didn't know.)
Unicorn, someone with ties to Beverly Hills, opened her package hinting she wanted to conquer a fear of singing. Well, some fears are good: They keep us from jumping off cliffs or putting your hand on a hot stove or singing "Oops I Did It Again" in a unicorn costume. After the legitimately good performances prior, Unicorn sounded like a cat trying to climb out of a burlap sack, setting her up for elimination. Denise Richards was one of the good guesses, since she said she lost her sheen.
Monster came next. When we first saw him, T-Pain made for a very good guess, and him saying in his package that he was coming back from the South seemed to make that hold up. His rendition of "I Don't Want to Be" by Gavin DeGraw made clear, in a way, the strength and control in his voice, and he wailed out some pretty impressive high notes toward the end. Still, some of his clues threw people off the 'professional singer' train, leading people to guess he could be Kevin Hart, Nelly or Derek Jeter.
After votes, shock! Deer, not Unicorn, got the boot. After more fumbling than a teenage boy with a bra strap, he got the thing off and revealed himself to be Terry Bradshaw, who said he was relieved this was over. (Us too, Terry!) Anyone else very disturbed you thought Terry Bradshaw dressed as a deer was kind of hot? Whew.
The Masked Singer airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox.