The Bachelorette is past the Night One excitement and into the full-on drama. Hannah Brown has some nice guys in the mix, but the episode was dominated by the two worst ones, Cameron "Killa Cam" Ayala and Luke P. Go figure.
Hannah wanted the guys to loosen up, so the first group date of the season found the guys doing a goofy pageant with Miss J from America's Next Top Model and Alaska Thunderf--- (diplomatically just called "Alaska" on The Bachelorette) and Alyssa Edwards from Drag Race. Instead of having the guys do drag, though, the show just had them wear Speedos. The guys weren't openly homophobic (by "guys" I mean "Luke P."), but why bring drag queens on the show if the guys aren't doing drag? It would be like having football players on and having the guys do calisthenics. Like, these queens can run a goofy talent show, but why not have them do what they actually do? I guess the Powers That Be didn't want to make these frat boys too uncomfortable.
Most of the guys did a talent performance (John Paul Jones rode a unicycle, Jed sang like an off-key Justin Timberlake), and then Luke P. ruined it by saying he's falling in love with Hannah. That's not a talent, Luke P.! And then he won. Stupid. Luke P. bought his muscles at the toilet store.
During the cocktail party, guys were like, "All right, Luke, whatever, bro, you've known her for 10 minutes." Even within the show's extremely compressed timeframe, that's moving too fast. Arie Luyendyk Sr. would be like "slow down, buddy." But Hannah believed him. "He's saying everything my heart needs him to say," Hannah said, which is a cutesy way to say "he's telling me what I want to hear." Luke went back to the party and Mike was like, "What are you talking about, my guy?" And Luke got kinda jealous watching her talk to other guys, don't you think? Hannah got on well with Jed, too, though, and she gave him the group date rose.
The first one-on-one went to Tyler G., who said the guys were very supportive, which was nice. Hannah compared him to "Tim Tebow, but hotter." They went off in the requisite early season helicopter, and Hannah was wearing a nice white outfit that got covered in mud when they went for a four-wheeler ride. Hannah got the first one-on-one on Colton's season, and she reflected on that experience as they sat on a couch at the top of a hill, and she told Tyler she wanted him to feel comfortable and be himself, since she struggled with that during her date. Did she ever. Tyler seemed like an all right dude, but he didn't want to hear about Colton.
During dinner, Hannah told Tyler G. that she had an even better time with Tyler G. than she was expecting, and then Tyler threw out some nonsense with some words Hannah wanted to hear, like "vulnerability" and "genuine." I was bored. I hate early season one-on-one dates. Whatver. Tyler G. seemed nice enough.
Group date two was roller derby. They did this same date on Sean Lowe's season of The Bachelor. Chris Harrison did play-by-play with Fred Willard. Why Fred Willard all the time? Fred Willard is great, he's just such a random choice. Then for the cocktail party they hung out in an antiques store. Dustin has a nose ring. Hannah is not going to choose a guy with a nose ring. Pilot Peter talked about being a pilot. And then Cam, the annoying rapper who wasn't on either of the group dates because he'd already gotten time with Hannah, crashed the group date with a bouquet of roses. If I were one of the guys, I'd be mad at the producers, not Cam. Who gave him the roses, you know?
Cam was giving an ITM, and Tyler C. came up behind him and interrupted him. It was a great shot, where Tyler kept getting closer and closer while Cam rambled on and on. Tyler had good energy. And then Garrett interrupted his ITM, too. He told him he didn't appreciate what Cam did. He wasn't angry, but he was firm. Nice work, Garrett. And then Kevin went and talked to him, too! They were all very polite about it, except for Kevin, when he came back and said "f--- Cam," understandably. Dustin got the group date rose because he fell and hurt his ankle and got back up.
This is like when you're watching a horror movie, and someone is totally about to get murdered but they don't know it, and you're screaming at the screen, "TURN AROUND! YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE!!!"— Erika Atkins (@25PercentCool) May 21, 2019
...But it's also a terrible character and you're kind of like "Eh?" #TheBachlorette pic.twitter.com/ZphQe2wMg0
Then it was time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Hannah rolled up nervous and started crying as she was about to give a toast. She was just overwhelmed by her emotions. She didn't want to send anyone home, but she had to. Pretty unusual to see from a Bachelorette, and it made me like Hannah more. It felt very genuine. She reassured some guy who didn't get a date this week — a Connor? — that she felt good about him. Kevin was having a nice time with Hannah, and then Cam said he had something fun for all three of them to do, and then he gave Hannah a chicken nugget in a ring box. Kevin described it as a "chicken nugget ceremony." Cam was playing some kind of weird mind game there. Kevin told him to f--- himself and knocked the nuggz out of Cam's hand.
During the party, Luke P. pulled Hannah aside and massaged her, and she had Luke take his shirt off, like she was gonna massage him, too. They were making out heavy. And then Jed walked in. It was real awkward. He said seeing that was "not super appealing." It was not! Jed laughed it off, though, when he got a little time with Hannah. Jed seems like a decent guy.
During his rose ceremony ITM, Luke P., a broken clock, said, "Cam is the wrong kind of bold." But Cam still got the final rose, instead of our sweet boy Connor J., Daron, and some other guys. Wack. Cam tried to toast to "the future Miss Ayala," his last name. and no one would cheers to that. Then when Hannah was giving her post-ceremony ITM, Luke P. interrupted her to talk to her, and Hannah was too into it? She was all over him, sitting on his lap, and lapping up his talk about how much he's falling in love with her. Too muchhhhh! Slow down! I'm getting flags the color of Hannah's dress!
Luke P may be the reason I stop watching this season of the bachelorette. I have never cringed so much in my life. He. Is. The. WORST!!!!!!!! @BacheloretteABC— Micah Ward (@micahward4) May 21, 2019
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.