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Is The Bachelor Supposed to Give Us Anxiety? Because We Have It

That was a really stressful second week

liam-mathews
Liam Mathews
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The Bachelor opened with something it's never done before: Colton Underwood spoke directly into a handheld camera, which was meant to simulate the intimacy of an Instagram story. He was shirtless in bed. It was weird. Like it was trying to recapture the raw magic of Arie and Becca's breakup.

The first group date was storytime with Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, who have been married for 15 years. Mullally introduced herself by saying "I'm Lauren H., I'm 23, and I work in retail," because she's a professional comedian who knows how this show works. The girls had to tell a story about a "first." Get it? Because Colton is a virgin? But all we could talk about in my house was Ron Swanson's shaved head/long beard combo and how bored he seemed.

Colton talked about the first time he smoked crack. Just kidding! He talked about the first time he admitted he was a virgin. Another football man in the locker room asked him how many girls he'd slept with and he said "none" and the guy said "cool." Yeah. Great. Cool story.

Elyse talked about the first time she dated a younger man (right now lol). Nicole talked about her first time dating a white man. Hannah G. talked about getting the most significant rose she's ever received, which made it sound like she gets roses all the time? Catherine knocked over a mic stand like "come at me, bro!" Tracy, while wearing a fedora, told a sex story that was more intense than titillating, and Nicole, who is very judgmental in a really charming way, was like "what kind of story is that." Demi told a story about the first time she kissed this one guy, that one guy being Colton. Very aggressive move that Colton maybe made a tactical mistake going along with, letting her kiss him in front of the crowd of 200 people and, worse, the other girls. Definitely a tactical error on Demi's part.

Demi grabbed Colton first during the cocktail party, made out with him a little bit, then came back and picked up the rose and waved it around in front of the other girls and said "this is my rose." The other girls were SCANDALIZED. And then Demi kept doing a really weird laugh. She sounded like a devil doll.

Tracy was DISGUSTED with DEMI'S CHILDISH BEHAVIOR. She CONFRONTED her. Losing game, Tracy. Demi doesn't give a sh--, and you can't talk about how disappointed you are to someone who doesn't care.

Colton told Hannah G., who was feeling the pressure of competition, to "focus on us." He told her he was thinking of her a lot. Colton didn't seem interested in anyone except Hannah G. He gave the group date rose to Elyse because he couldn't give Hannah G. two roses in a row.

Hannah B. got the first 1-on-1 date of the season on her birthday. Cute! They went for a drive in a vintage orange Land Rover and then rode some horses around a cool rock formation. And amidst those rocks was, you guessed it, a hot tub! I'm getting a crippling anxiety vibe from Hannah B., who admitted that when she's not perfect she mentally spirals. Colton admitted that the date wasn't what he expected it to be. "There's a lot of things that are concerning to me right now." He said he wasn't even sure if he was going to give her a rose. She was so panicky she could barely speak.

Back at the house, Caelynn told another girl about her history with Hannah B. They were friends during Miss USA -- Caelynn is Miss North Carolina and Hannah is Miss Alabama -- and then they weren't, because Hannah couldn't deal with the fact that Caelynn finished ahead of her (Caelynn came in second out of 50, because there are 50 states). "There's a facade, and then it starts to crumble," Caelynn said of her frenemy. We saw Hannah start to crumble during the date. They had dinner on the deck of the Queen Mary, and Hannah couldn't have a conversation. Colton was like "don't try to be perfect" and she finally loosened up a little bit by asking him why he's a virgin. Cool, so now we're having this conversation again. He gave her the rose, because we need some beauty queen drama.

Then it was time for the second group date. It was summer camp themed. Comedian Billy Eichner was the "counselor." It was a high-stakes date, because the winning team in the camp games got to stay overnight at the camp with Colton. The red team won. Billy Eichner was oddly subdued, considering his brand is screaming at people. But he did tweet one hilarious thing:

Heather, who's never been kissed, told Colton she'd never been kissed. She kinda hoped that he'd kiss her, but he'd been kissing everyone. If he kissed her then, it wouldn't be special. Better to wait for a 1-on-1. She got the group date rose, though.

While Caelynn was on the date telling Colton she almost died of encephalitis when she was two, Hannah B. was talking sh-- back at the house. "There's not one person in the world that I have a problem with except her," Miss Alabama said. Apparently Caelynn is fake. We'll see. This is an unrelated tweet that made me laugh:

Onyeka interrupted Sydney's nice time with Colton by blowing an airhorn and saying she's "horny," so Sydney went inside and grabbed a cookie sheet and a big wooden spoon and re-interrupted Onyeka with a noisemaker of her own. It was a loud-noise petty-off. Onyeka wasn't intimidated and said Sydney could come back in five minutes. But Sydney wouldn't back down from reclaiming her time. "Is this to give us anxiety? Because we have it already," Caelynn quipped.

Then Demi came back out to the cocktail party in a bathrobe and took Colton upstairs to her "fantasy closet," which was massaging Colton while she wore a one-piece bathing suit, I guess? She interrupted Tracy, who had a meltdown. "The cougar attacks do not get to me at all," 23-year-old Demi said about 31-year-old Tracy. Demi went and talked to her and Tracy said she was trying to be "authentic and real" and Demi was "mean." Demi said some weird stuff about how Tracy was one of the most amazing women she's ever met. Neither of them are mature enough for this process.

Alex B., McNutty, Angelique and Annie didn't get roses. So long, pals.

Next week, Demi and Hannah B. are gonna get even weirder. Great?

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.