This week's The Bachelorette was the dreaded Men Tell All. I say "dreaded" because I was full of dread for how much Luke I was about to be subjected to. Hannah Brown would be great, but there might be too much anger and too little resolution for this to be good TV. And it was indeed very Luke-heavy, but it was pretty tolerable.
The episode started with a replay of Luke and Hannah's breakup from last week, to set the tone of how much this show would be about Luke. Then we cut to Chris Harrison in the studio. He said this would be a very different Men Tell All, and instead of introducing the guys right away, we'd see what happened the morning after the breakup, as the three remaining guys arrived for the rose ceremony. Jed was wearing a brown suit. The guys didn't yet know that Hannah had sent Luke home. "I'm so glad that Luke is finally gone and I never have to see him again." WRONG!
Cut to Luke in a van back to the rose ceremony, saying that Hannah was making a big mistake breaking up with him and he knew she was still in love with him and he was going to show her how serious he was by proposing to her. He joined the other guys in the lineup like he was supposed to be there, to gasps and laughter from the studio audience. Hannah was in for a terrible surprise.
She walked to where the men were waiting, and Luke stepped forward. "Why are you here?" she said, disgusted. He said he had some things he needed to say to her, and Hannah said "I'm about to go psycho, so please leave." He said he needed clarity and closure. Bro, she already sent you home! That is clarity and closure, you big galoot! "Listen," he demanded, and Hannah jolted at him. She called him narcissistic, and said it was always about him and his feelings with him, never hers. She moved her rose podium to get away from him. Hannah is so charismatic when she's mad. When he wouldn't leave after she turned away from him, the other guys stepped in, surrounding him and and blocking him from Hannah.
She reminded him of what he said, that he would leave if she'd had sex with someone else, and he said, "I didn't say that." YES HE DID!!!!! What a delusional dingus. He said he didn't judge her, which isn't true. He did. Chris Harrison asked what she wanted to do. "I don't want him to be here," she said. He asked her to look him in the eyes and tell him she was sure she wanted him to go, and she looked him dead in his eyeballs into his soul and said "I'm sure." He left, and Hannah said "I f---in' hate that guy." Chris Harrison told her Luke had a ring in his pocket and was ready propose, and Hannah was shocked and appalled. The guys were so thrilled that Luke was gone. They knew one of them was still going home, but in that moment they didn't even care. Their Wicked Witch was dead.
Then it was time for the actual Men Tell All. Luke came out solo first. He's clean shaven. He looks his age now. Chris Harrison asked him how he's doing and what he was thinking, and he was like, "I wanted closure." Yeah yeah yeah. He still feels misunderstood. He said he just wanted to know if she planned on having sex with the other guys in the fantasy suite for himself, and she felt judged by that, but it wasn't supposed to be a judgmental question. Look, man, we all watched the show. We saw what happened. As Judge Judy said, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." Luke finally copped to making a mistake, which was idealizing Hannah as the perfect woman.
Chris Harrison reminded Luke how contentious his relationship with Hannah was almost from the jump. He was a frontrunner, but the way their faiths manifested clashed. Chris Harrison asked if Luke was still in love with Hannah, and he said yes, but he knows she's not his person. Then Chris Harrison asked him if he thought he'd made any mistakes. And Luke said he wouldn't do anything different. "Nothing?" Chris Harrison answered.
After the commercial break, Luke backtracked, again, and said there would be things he'd do differently, but he wouldn't change the outcome. He said the conflict with the other guys was hard, and he kinda got it. He said he watched the show and didn't like the Luke P. he saw on the show, who was a liar. And then he said he felt like his role on the show was to save Hannah. Every time he opens his mouth, he digs the hole deeper. He did actually clarify that one, though. He didn't mean save Hannah's soul, he meant save her from the other guys on the show.
Devin came out from backstage and got his time. He told Luke that he couldn't hold his tongue backstage anymore, and Luke was the kind of man who wanted a woman he could control, which is no man at all. Luke was so angry he couldn't speak. Or maybe he was praying before he responded. "The last thing I want to do is control a woman," to eyerolls from the studio audience. But, he said, a man's role in a relationship is to lead and guide a woman, to more eyerolls. The studio audience was really on one.
After 50 minutes of Luke, the other guys finally came out. John Paul Jones waved 50 times like a weirdo. Mike got the biggest cheers from the audience. Chris Harrison asked Luke why he couldn't patch things up with the guys, and he said it was because they were jealous and put a target on his back after he got the first impression rose. Mike said Luke put the target on his own back, and he hasn't learned anything. He called Luke a misogynist, and said his future wife will be his prisoner. Connor gave Luke props for showing up to take this beating tonight, but he's still a psychopath. "F--- you," sweet, chill Connor said. Grant said he owed an apology to Peter, Jed, and Tyler for ruining their rose ceremony. "You can't talk to a woman like that," Dylan said. Early season villain Cam thanked Luke for making him look like a saint. Some dude named Matteo played devil's advocate and said it seems like Luke's been punished enough by looking so bad on the show.
Chris Harrison asked Luke if it was hypocritical of him to expect Hannah to be a virgin when Luke isn't even a virgin. "Not at all," Luke said, because he's a born-again virgin. Jonathan said that initially he and Luke connected on their faith, but judging people is not the way to show that faith. Finally, Luke said he was sorry the guys wouldn't accept his apology, but whatever. That's enough Luke for a lifetime.
They came back from commercial break and were finally about to get to the rest of the guys, and Luke said "Can I say something?" I went "Oh my God" out loud. Shut uuuuuup. Luke said they only know him from the show, and hopefully they'd give him a chance to show who he really is. Connor spoke for everyone and said that when Luke shows that he's changed, they'll be more inclined to forgive him.
Then we got a montage of John Paul Jones moments. What a hilarious, weird guy. He said when people see him at the gas station, they go "John Paul Jones!" A JPJ superfan came down from the audience and asked to cut a little piece of his hair off. He obliged, of course. And in honor of JPJ, everyone in the audience got chicken nuggets. You get a nug, and you get a nug, and you get a nug!
Next up was Big Mike. Unpopular opinion: I'm not a fan of Mike. I think he's smarmy and a sh--stirrer. Mike said he wanted to know what the "but" was with Hannah. Why he was great, "but" not the one for her. Mike loves talking about his sister and mother and grandmother.
Missed seeing Mike on my tv! #TheBachelorette— Bri Vitale (@brionuhvee) July 23, 2019
With a half-hour left, Hannah finally came out. Chris Harrison asked her if there's anything that surprised her watching the show back. Hannah said that her infatuation with Luke came from an insecurity with being the Bachelorette. The first night, Luke made her feel like he was there for her, and she held onto that for longer than she should have. "That's incredible perspective," Chris Harrison said. Luke said he was sorry for making things hard for her and thanked her for helping him learn about himself. "I think that there's a lot of fruit that needs to be grown from you," she responded, which I guess was a polite way of saying he needs to reflect on himself a lot, lot, lot more. She said his love didn't feel unconditional. She said she felt shamed when Luke asked her about the fantasy suite, and it wasn't even his business to ask her. She said he's obsessed with sex, and the fantasy suites aren't even about that, it's about getting to know someone's heart. "I'm so over being slut-shamed," she said. OK, so are we done with Luke now? I pray for it.
Luke decided he was done. When they show came back from break, Luke walked out. BYE! Hannah told Mike she's rooting for him for the best. Garrett said he was upset with her a while for choosing Luke over him, but now, watching it back, he sees how much Luke misled her. Hannah said she hopes people watching her go through a toxic relationship with Luke will inspire women in similar situations to get out. And she doesn't regret what happened with Luke for that reason.
Then there were bloopers, the highlight of which was John Paul Jones saying "Yass queen."
YAAASQUEEN JPJ IS MY WHOLE LIFE #TheBachelorette— Meg Brady (@baconMEGncheez) July 23, 2019
Then Hannah apologized to Bachelor Nation for keeping Luke around for so long. We're all so sick and tired of talking about him, so we're not going to anymore. "The Luke P. show is canceled, and will not be renewed for a second season." God bless America, Roll Tide.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It's available to stream on Hulu.